I really appreciate what you've said @Appleblossom and agree on both counts. Yesterday had another major situation with bro having a strong negative reaction to my psychiatrist's latest progress report. She wrote about how the longer I don't go out for the more likely agoraphobia will get worse, going out independently will be harder, mood swings happening more often, and that not being able to do things independent of family is reducing my sense of 'agency'. Unfortunately she also mentioned how family are seeing friends and going out but discouraging me to do so too. That they see me as the highest risk of getting covid and having the worst of symptoms requiring alternative care and therefor discourage me from getting out at all. Ultimately what bro was saying that they (bro and sil, who also was upset about the report) will not be my jailers and that if I think my mental health is getting worse by being here I know where the door is and I should just leave. And that I've been 'painting myself as a victim' and .... etc. I was so upset that I found it hard to speak - flooded with feelings and my throat actually constricts when I get that way, and crying. For the 2nd time this week. I retreated depressed last night and postponed cooking to share with them which I usually do on a Thursday night. But this morning they are both friendly and bro even said that if I want to find the right way to get out with a support worker instead of them then I should go ahead and do it. So that's a positive outcome thank goodness from a horrible interaction and couple of days. They are going to their farm today so at least I have a couple of days hanging by myself. I think we need time apart having been mostly at home together since mid March. And that some of the short fuses lately are related to covid restrictions.
My new psychologist just cancelled our 1st appointment that was meant to happen today - just to top everything. I was really looking forward to it as my other psychologist left (unwell) back in March and I was seeing her most weeks for over 3 years. New one says she will reschedule but has to pick up a sick child now - so it can't be helped, not her fault, but still has an effect on me.
Also when at the chemist yesterday there was a junkie swearing at the chemist and she told him to go away, which flared him up a whole lot more and he was blocking the only exit and going off so I was stuck in there and having a PTSD flight/freeze/flood response. In tears twice before I managed to get out of there. My bro was waiting outside for me at least, but that didn't help what happened in the shop.
Tagging @Adge @Faith-and-Hope @outlander @TAB @Former-Member @Appleblossom and anyone I've missed who has been supporting me lately. Also @frog @Shaz51 @CheerBear @Zoe7 @greenpea @Jupiter
I'm very grateful. I've been journalling a lot but writing here is very helpful too, especially when people respond.
I haven't been able to support others much lately which I apologise for, but I've just had too much to deal with offline.
Take care all xx
Tagging new community guides here too so you might get to know me a bit better. Please tag me into any of your personal threads so I can do likewise. I'll be around a bit tomorrow, particularly on the Saturday Soiree - all welcome!! thread if anyone wants to hang out together and meet some new people.
@Snowie @NatureLover @Maggie @dhr53 @WriterMelb @Got_the_tshirt @BPDSurvivor @Judi9877 @MDT @jem80 @Dadcaringalone @Jay-e
