A Life of Trauma and Tragedy (Possibly Triggering Content)

[Snowie]

Good afternoon @Emelia8 @WIP @Peri @Owlunar @Former-Member and anyone else around.

Hoping your day is going well.

Lots of love and hugs

💕💕💕

[Lee82]

I miss her so very much @Emelia8 but mostly  I am worried about her. It's like torture not knowing what is going on. I am trying my best to stay positive. It is just getting harder. 
I am spiralling out of control em and I don't know what to do about it. My anxiety has been heightened for days now and I have tried everything to calm it down. Self harm is out of control and my head feels like it's going to explode. My chest hurts and my jaw aches. 
I'm so sorry for dumping this on you I have been trying to deal with it all on my own for a while as I have no one irl I can turn to and I have been concerned to open up on here because I am worried about triggering or upsetting someone on here but I can't hold it in any longer. I am lost and alone em.

[Former-Member]

Hey @Lee82, I'm so glad you've reached out for support here  It sounds like things are overwhelming and I'm sorry that you're going through an intense time. I hope the support you find here will bring some comfort 💐

I am concerned for your wellbeing so I will send you an email to check in, ok? 💞

[Emelia8]

@Lee82 🤗💞  ... I know I miss her too and am seriously worried about her.  So I can certainly understand how you would be feeling about @Former-Member .  I wish she was here, and we knew she was okay.  But I feel sure she is doing the best she can, and is keeping herself safe.  She has good supports around her.  And then when she can be here again .. she will be.  She knows she has many loving friends here who are wishing her well from afar.  Meanwhile, she would want you to stay positive and take the best care of yourself that you possibly can.

My anxiety has been building too lately Lee, so I get that.  I'm sorry it has turned to self harm for you, and that it's becoming harder to control.  In truth, I have been self harming recently too, although I rarely admit that to anyone, even here.

Its so hard dealing with everything on your own @Lee82 and I'm so terribly sorry that that's the case for you. Its very hard to see any positives when life gets so damned hard.  And I get it that you are not always able to be fully open on the forums.  But its a necessary restriction unfortunately, and I guess we just have to accept that.  Certainly the last thing I would wish to do is to trigger or do harm in any way, to another member or reader.

I was so dissappointed to read that your EMDR had to be postponed, due to your mother booking a trip away, right when you needed her to take care of the boys.  Sigh.  Yes I can see that you feel lost and alone, and I readily concede that an online forum is not the same as real life support or a rl friend.  But it is something, and I know there are times that the forums have prevented me going down the path of self destruction.  So they really are a valuable resource, and I would urge you to utilise the forums whenever you need to feel less alone.

For now, I will send you a big hug and much love.  And if you'd like, I will just sit with you.  Together we are stronger, and right now I need all the strength I can get.

Emelia 💞 

[Lee82]

Thank you @Former-Member I am safe at the moment I am just struggling to stay present. 

[Lee82]

Thank you for your love and support Em. I am so sorry to hear your anxiety is building too and I know why that is. Know that I am here for you too my love even though I am struggling. I also believe we are stronger together. 

I appreciate you opening up to me about your own SH. So thank you for sharing. I too don't like to admit it either and understand the shame behind it. However it is a coping mechanism no matter how short lived it is for us to feel some sort of relief. It's that way for me anyway. I don't like it one bit and wish I had other ways. Know that it is always my last resort. 
I think that is the hardest thing....not being able to be open about certain things. It's hard to express what's truly going on without breaking the rules. That why I don't really open up too much here in fear I will say something I'm not suppose to and I always have the fear I may trigger or hurt someone on the forum which like you is the last thing I want to do.

yea well that's Mum....always putting hersel first In Every situation. Now I have to wait till the 26th July which is my brothers actual birthday but I have spoken to him and he is more than happy for me to go in on that day as he wants nothing more than for me to get the treatment I need. I just don't know how I am going to be able to get through the next 5 months. 
I am very grateful for all my forum friends but sometimes feel like I am either intruding or perhaps asking for help from someone who may not want to or aren't in a position to support me. I feel very guilty putting all my s**t on others something I know I need to work on. Others always come first for me. 
would love for you to sit with me @Emelia8 thank you for the company. 

[Emelia8]

I thought about rescheduling my oncologist apt @Former-Member , but I hadnt seen her since early December, so thought I should keep the appointment.  It went okay I guess.  Was there for 3/4 hour all up, with lots of checks and discussions.  Really didnt get anywhere that I wasnt before though.  And she wants to see me again in 3 months.

Many thanks to you @Former-Member .  You are a wonderful supporter and friend, always have been.  I'm sorry your long post vanished.  Perhaps it will reappear at some stage?  I will keep a look out for it anyway.  Thanks so much for the cosmic energy and strength that you are sending through.  I assure you it is needed and appreciated.

Emelia 💞

[Emelia8]

What a lovely post @Owlunar ... thank you very very much.  It honestly means a lot to me right now, all that you have said.

I know this response is paltry compared to the time and effort you took to write your post.  I'm sorry, its the best I can do right now.  But I just wanted to acknowledge your post and let you know I really appreciate it, and you. 🙏💕😊

Emelia 🌸

[Emelia8]

Dear @Peri ... I always love seeing you around.  Thank you very much for your response this morning. Its nice to know you understand and that you are there for me.  I think of you every day too, whenever I hear Perth or WA mentioned, I think of you.  Not a lot of words this afternoon, I'm sorry.  But needed to respond now, in case I drop out in coming days. I have admired you for a long time too, and I'm glad we have been able to maintain our long standing friendship.

Emelia 🌺🍀💕

[Former-Member]

Hey @Emelia8, I'm glad you feel safe to share what you're going through. Although not ideal, self-harm isn't uncommon. Here on the Forums we only want to be able to provide support 💐

SANE has a resource on coping with urges to self-harm, and there are even more suggestions for things to try here- I hope they'll be helpful. Feel free to let us know either way