14th year house bound

[hiddenite]

Hi jaqcues the girls have just left after visiting.
Im exhausted after terrible night terrors.
thank you for sharing a bit about your world. I enjoy it immensely.
You were a great help and support last night I am so grateful.
take care my friend

[Jacques]

Hi @Former-Member, 

Thank you for not putting me in the same catagory as abusive men, sometimes i wonder if i am even from the same sex, i do not seem to think like other men, i could never hurt a woman, i do think women should be treated like princesses, they are worth more to society than they are given.  

I am glad you can relate @Former-Member, and thank you for the virtual hug, it is nice to have people care about me, i do often feel very alone lately. 

Can i say one thing @Former-Member, this will be a life long thing, i know my life stopped when i was 8 years old, i haven ever moved on from the abuse, i can still tell out the colours the smells and desccribe the people down to the smallest detail, it often astounds me how 1 persons 10 min of mistreatment can scare them for life, how anothers few minutes of actions allows them to continue with life unchanged but ruins another.

@Former-Member, your description of what life is like is spot on, it is like being a frightened caged animal.

i don't know about safe with my mum, it is the seperation anxiety that makes me not leave her side, my father i felt safe with and my world collapsed when he died, i have never felt safe since, i am so sorry you where abused by your mother, that makes me so sad.  I am so sorry you have no one, their are so many of us like this, i do hope one day you find a nice man and do have a nice life, i have never been with a woman i have never even held a girls hand, women seem alergic to me, maybe because i am fat and ugly, so i can't give much advice on relationships, but i really do hope you meet a man who treats you like a princess.

Yes i get theat with other cyclists too, i had that happen to me last Christmas, i got so scared, i sat in my room and paniced all day, all you can do is tell yourself he/ she has the problem.  I have the same thing too i used to feel so scared when out walking i would only look at the ground, 

Sorry i have to go for my day out for the week, so i will continue this later. sorry.

Take care, be safe

Jacques 

[PeppiPatty]

thanks @Jacques

Im actually on holiday at Margaret River, Ille post photos too......

I dont really like going out that much but I think me and h. are going to think about moving here. The MI clinic suits my h. 

I havent been able to read many of your messages because of illness etc but look at all of them.....

hello to @hiddenite and yourself 

[Jacques]

Sorry @Former-Member i am too distressed to continue what i was going to say, i will try tomorrow.

Take care

Jacques

[Jacques]

I am sorry you are struggling my angel,

I have had a really bad afternoon, i should never have left the house, the afternoon out did not go well, to distressed to talk, will speak tomorrow.

I took a photo i was going to tell you about, anyway here it is, my little garden for you.  Just planted today

Sorry i am not going to be here for you tonight Karen, i am really worried i will say something bad, i am in a bad place right now.

[Appleblossom]

Dear @Jacques

You must have had too big a big day out .... take it gently .. listen to music ... curl up in bed and listen to music ....

We will be here for you when you are ready ... you do have friends now ...

[Former-Member]

Hey @Jacques

so sorry to hear your afternoon was stressful, I know it's hard when you find the courage to go out & get hurt. that can really bite deep and send me very anguished for days afterwards. well done for making the effort.

sorry you're feeling hurt, here's a virtual ((hug)) if ok.

no need to apologise, I understand. I'm sure we all do. Like Appleb said, we'll be listening when you're ready.

my cat says hello. he's actually black but this is quite good

hope you can manage to do something, even tiny, to self-care. You deserve it. I didn't take very good care of myself yesterday but am going to try really hard to do something nice for myself today. I think I will eat eggs.

hope it helps a little to know you're not alone in feeling what you're feeling & you have friends here.

[Jacques]

Thank you @Former-Member,

Thank you for reaching out after the rocky start we had, i do hope in the future we can be really good friends.

Yesterday was a disaster, i slept for 30 min in the afternoon, woke up with a huge panic attack, then i had my day out for the week and saw 4 people i know, it was a horrible exeriance, i so wish i could move away from this place, too many bad memories.  

I would love a virtual hug, it is nice to know people like you and @Appleblossom care for me so much.

Oh i really like cats, i am unable to have pets because i could not look after them properly, but i do like hearing about other peoples pets, like yours and @PeppiPatty her little Arlo, what is your cat's name, if you don't mind me asking?

I do hope you do something nice for yourself, i really like eggs too, i have 2 boiled eggs in a salad for lunch everyday.

Well continuing on from yesterday, i feel so angry you have been mistreated mby men so badly, i am so scared to meet a girl, frightened of getting her pregnant (as i don't want children) and i am scared that i wil lonly use her for my sexual needs, i do feel like women often make love to keep their partner happy, that sounds like rape to me, and i never want to hurt a woman like that. i am so much better off alone.  So i don't hurt anyone. 

Please feel free to share anything with me, i will not get upset, i don't have any emotions but sadness and anger.  as i know the scares of abuse go deep.

Please be kind to yourself, thank you for being my friend.

[Jacques]

Hi My angel,

I planted a little garden, i am going to call my Karen garden, evertime i look at them i will think of you my angel.

They are so beautiful, i have got some mulch to protect them from the severe heat we get here, i am going to mulch them today.

Well the chooks are singing, but i can't tell you much more because i have not looked out the window.  i had a really bad night last night because of the disaster of yesterday i saw 4 people i never wanted to see again, it is just too hard for me to live here, too many bad memories and too triggering, but i am stuck here, no way out.

Karen i hope you are ok, you never left a message last night and i am worried about you, i know you are doing it tough, so a big hug for you.

I am here if you want to talk. i am happy to listen.

Take care my angel, you are always in my thoughts

Jacques

[Former-Member]

best of luck to you. I hope in time you can find the strength to develop insights into seeing that taking reponsibility for your own welfare is more freeing than over-dramatising imaginary flaws and endlessly repeating entrenched patterns of co-dependency, enabling, enmeshment and victimhood; to get what it means that 'hurt people hurt people'.

I hope in time you can find the strength to develop perspective & own up to your own flaws, see them - as all courageous people do - as defense mechanisms that developed in the past thru no fault of your own to survive trauma & are not something you have to be a passsive victim of in adult life if you choose for them not to be. I know I deserve better than that & hope in time you both do too.