my story

[tant]

I would like to tell my story.  I have come to this website after hearing about it on ABC radio yesterday.  I was stopped on the Pacific Highway waiting for an accident a few km ahead to be cleared.  I was surprisingly patient at the two hour delay.  I believe it was because I had to hear the radio discussion about this website.  I have used a similar website when I quit drinking alcohol, and it worked for me.  

I have been taking medication for depression for about 20 years now and I believe I have a life long condition which requires medication, a bit like diabetes.  My body needs the medication to function correctly.  My ex would encourage me to try to do without it which should have been a warning sign to me, but I loved him too much.  I stopped taking it a few times but the result was not good.  When I think about it now would he encourage me to stop taking medication if I had diabetes or Parkinsons?  

So now I think of depression as a health issue just like a heart condition.  I need to take the meds, even if I don't want to, even if some people criticise me for it, even if society says there are too many people dependent on anti-depressants.  I have depression, just like my friend has diabetes, yet I am still afraid to say it aloud to people.  I am not yet able to say I have depression.  My friend can say "I have diabetes" as easily as saying hello.  She hears different responses to this revelation, even sympathy.  I do not know what I will hear if I was to say "I have depression".  Maybe I will give it a try.

[Sahara]

Hi @tant,

thanks for sharing your story with us. It's good that you have a positive attitude towards your treatment for depression, which is your case includes taking medication. 

I think it was very misguided of your ex partner to try and get you to stop taking your meds. People who care about us say things that they believe are in our best interests, but sadly, they are ignorant of the facts. I think you should only ever try to come off medication under direct medical supervision. And this must happen at a time when you are very motivated to do it.

Medication for depression helps most people who suffer from this terrible disease. It helped me immensely.  However, I have had a different experience to you....

Even though my G.P. told me that I would have to take antidepressants for life, I was not convinced. I decided to tentatively try and reduce and then cease my medication at a time in my life when I felt very happy and everything was going very well for me. It was crucial that I tried this while my life was stable and happy. I would not have tried it while things were in a mess.

Happily, I was able to get off my meds without too many side-effects and now I mainly feel better than I ever have. I am not saying it has been easy, only that in my case I believe it was for the best. I also underwent around 10 years of counselling for depression and anxiety which I believe was essential.

I don't think I am cured. I still have some anxiety. I would be very happy to pop benzodiazepines on an occasional basis for my anxiety, but doctors seem to be dead set against this for some reason!  Go figure!

@tant, if the medication suits you and you are living a good, stable and productive life, then by all means - stay on it. Many, many people do just that. There is nothing wrong with it. 

As for the stigma associated with MI; yes, I have experienced this too. I absolutely never tell people about my experiences with anxiety and depression, through fear of being discriminated against. I often feel that this is such a pity, because it is a very interesting story and and I secretly even believe that it makes me a more interesting, deeper, more well-rounded person. Not that I would wish it on anyone. 

I had an experience a few years ago where I did tell a cousin of mine all about my depression, as we were having a very deep and sincere conversation. Her reaction was....... nothing. It's like she couldn't or didn't want to accept what I told her..... it was very strange. She sort of ignored my disclosure and changed the subject!!

[blue229]

Hi Tant,

I'm also new here and heard about this forum on the radio.

I can understand the stigma around depression and having to be on meds for life. I have bipolar 2 and I've been medicated for over 10 years. I will have to take my meds for the rest of my life. It's sad how ignorant some people can be. Your ex sounds a lot like my family who seem to think because I'm doing ok that I should be off meds, not recognising that I have an incurable lifelong medical condition, just like Parkinsons or diabetes.

[utopia]

Hi @tant. Thank you for sharing some of your story. Like you I see my depression as a heath condition - like diabetes. I don't go up to people & say hi I have depression, but I do tell a number of people. I hope the more people I tell, the more people will understand .
Not everyone does react positively. But I ignore them. My MI is no different to a physical illness.

[Bimby2]

Hello tant and like you I feel I will need medication for the rest of my life. So what, if it helps tp keep me

well. Friends take diabetic medictions and this keeps their condition on an even keel. Better having

medication that helps relieve depression. We are fortunate to live in an era when this choice is avaiable

to us. Thank you for your story. Best wishes, Bimby2

[tant]

Most days I feel fine.  Some days I am overwhelmed by sadness- that my marriage was not what I wanted it to be, that my life often feels pointless, like I am treading water wasting energy, not getting anywhere, and that I struggle to understand the pre-teen girl child I am raising.  

I am an emotional eater.  If there is conflict I will suffocate it with food.  Before the marriage split I used to eat in secret, hiding the chocolate packets in the rubbish and eat as much as I could whil no one was around.  Now that I am in control of my own life, I do not hide it, and I feel a relief that I have freedom now to eat what and when and where I want to.  I have freedom now to stay up as late as I want to, watch what I want to on the TV and be as noisy or as silly as I want to be with the kids.

These are things I did not feel free about when he was living here.  So I don't want him back, but I still get upset that he has moved on to someone else.  I thought it wouldn't last but 12 months on and he is still with her.  We talked about remaining friends and the kids and I could stay at his house at the coast when he's away.  I have let him stay here at our home in the bush on one occasion while we were away.  we talked about being able to do this when we first split up but I don't think I can.  I have always wondered at the couples who can remain friends after divorce.  I am not sure I am one of those people.  I am feeling like I have to cut all ties to him and completely remove him from my life.  Because he moved out and I stayed there are so many things around here that he was a part of that I cannot remove.  What do I do with the wedding photos???? 

Anyway I am going to remove what I can that reminds me of him and our old life.  From now on I will see this place as mine and look after it.  Thanks for listening/reading.