Hi @Sneaklight
I hear how much pain you are in, and I want to start off by saying that you are not pathetic. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you're hurting this much. What you're feeling is not a sign of weakness; it's a sign that you have a high capacity for connection and care. After three years of friendship and shared history like DnD, it is completely natural for your heart to be heavily invested.
I know you made this post yesterday, but I wanted to share a few things with you that might bring you a little bit of peace.
It is incredibly common for people to be 'analog' communicators. If you spend hours talking in person and she makes time for DnD with you, that is the real her. Some people find texting to be like an administrative chore or a source of anxiety; the same could be said about phone calls, and they unintentionally neglect them. For someone with an anxious attachment style, that silence would feel like a threat, but for her, it might just be how her brain handles a phone.
As to why it all feels worse at night, well, there kind of is a reason for that. Our 'executive function' (the part of our brain that helps us stay rational) grows tired from everything that happened during the day. Your defences are down, and without the distractions we face during the day, your brain will sometimes default to its fears. And when you add in the 'sad posting' algorithms of social media into that mix, it creates the perfect environment for your brain to just spiral. When you do feel yourself starting to spiral at night, try telling yourself, "I am not a reliable judge of my life right now, but I will revisit this when the sun is up".
I also wanted to touch base on the anxious attachment side of things in your post. Your brain is currently telling you 'she hates me' as a way to almost prepare you for the worst, so you aren't blindsided. But try to remember that this anxiety is lying; it takes the silence of a text and fills it with insecurities and fears (as someone who used to have an anxious attachment style, silence from a crush or partner would make me spiral). If she has stayed by your side for three years, she clearly cares about you at the very least. People do not spend three years 'hating' someone while playing games and talking for hours.
I want you to know that it is also okay to be tired of the 'toll'. You mentioned wanting to never ask her out just to make the feelings stop. That's a valid form of self-preservation; you are exhausted from the 'maybe'. Whether you decide to ask her or decide to take a step back for your own mental health, please be kind to yourself. You've been carrying this heavy load for a long time. You deserve to feel safe and heard, not just by her, but by yourself as well.
I hope some of this was helpful. Take care!
