Pushing my partner away

[Tornup]

Hi again.

I am struggling so much with my bpd ATM that I am literally looking for ways to push my partner away. It's killing me. I don't know what to do to make it stop. Even when I am consciously trying I keep picking arguments and being a bitch to put it likely. I feel like I am failing at everything. Maybe I don't deserve a partner maybe I deserve to be alone. I just don't know what to do 

[Angel-Friend]

Hi @Tornup sorry to hear you're struggling so much with your mind right now. I just want to acknowledge you're displaying mindfulness of thoughts and behaviour by being aware of these things. That is an achievement in itself. 

I'm wondering if you know what type of support you want from us here? 

[Ainjoule]

Hey @Tornup 

I can hear the distress as you talk about the situation. Do you think there is an underlying reason why you try to push your partner away? Sometimes when I push someone away it's because I have had low self esteem or because I'm trying to protect myself from being rejected so I push first, which ends up creating the situation I sought to avoid. Is this person good to you? If they are and you want to maintain the relationship then are there any supports you can access to help develop more coping strategies? 

[Tornup]

I am constantly afraid of him leaving me because I am too much so I try to be the one who does the pushing so that I'm not surprised when he leaves. Being exactly what I don't want to bappen

[rav3n]

hey @Tornup i hear you, that fear of abandonment can be so scary and sometimes it can feel like you have more control of the situation by pushing them away rather than watching them leaving you on their own. have you talked to him about this fear you have of him leaving you? 

i think letting him know so he can provide you that reassurance might be worth a try?

you are enough as you are, and you deserve to hear and feel that from your partner. even if things get too much, you both deserve the chance to work through it together. sitting with you hun 💗

[Tornup]

I think I just need to know that I'm not the only one who's been through this. It's absolutely horrid being sabotaged by my own brain

[Tornup]

Yes he is very good to me. He tries his best but it's getting very hard for him to deal with

[MJG017]

Hi @Tornup, I'm sorry you're in such a difficult spot.  I agree with what @Ainjoule suggested as I have similar issues with my partner due to low self esteem.  I don't actively try to push her away, but I do keep a lot to myself and I know it frustrates her when she knows i'm not coping well.

I have the same thoughts about not deserving her and that she would be better off with someone better than me.  But I keep telling myself, that's she been there supporting me for this long and not left me so maybe I just need to trust a bit more and learn to let he in a lot more.  Accept that she loves me and wants to help.  One of the big things I've learnt from using support groups the past 12 months or so is that I do judge myself way harsher than everyone else does and that I need to be kinder to myself in order to let people support me.  It seems to be that if your partner is still trying, then he is trying very hard to be supportive and to be there for you, so maybe, like me, you just need to learn to let him and take it a bit easier on yourself. 

[Tornup]

Thank you so much for that. It makes me feel better to know that I am not alone .