Loneliness

[MJG017]

No problem at all @Tarmac_6.  I wish so much that I had tried to work on these things when I was your age.  Life probably would have turned out a lot different.  I think it's such a huge positive sign for you that you're trying to work on this now.  Trust me, the last thing you want to do is wait until so much of your life has gone by before finding the courage to work on these things.

A lot of people look at those who are less confident, more introverted, and socially anxious disinterested in getting to know anyone.  That's what i always thought anyway.  In fact, now looking back and getting to know more people who experience the same struggles, I see some of the kindest, most supportive and empathetic people i've ever talked to.  So if you can learn to let people you trust to see that side of you, they will feel like they are the lucky ones.  As @june23 said, finally finding that partner doesn't always seem to be that fix-all we think it will be, but working on these parts of ourselves makes us better partners.  We don't really need to change that much... I think most of us socially anxious are pretty great people to begin with... we just get so damn good at hiding it.

[Tarmac_6]

Yeah I guess thinking my problems will go away because I have a boyfriend is probably a bit hopeful @june23. I definitely feel a little bit better about being alone and I’m going to try to be grateful to have this time by myself. 

[Tarmac_6]

I’m sorry to keep going on about this but I’m finding your advice really helpful @MJG017. I guess I hide my social anxiety well but I still don’t let people in easily. Are there things you felt helped you do that? Or is it just letting go of the fears associated with it? 

[june23]

Yeah @Tarmac_6 relationships can take a lot of work 🙂 Try and give yourself some validation. What are your good qualities? I’m sure you have a lot to feel good about. Everyone does 💗 And yeah, that’s a great attitude. Being grateful does wonders! You’re still learning and growing. 

[Tarmac_6]

Thankyou @june23, you have been very helpful I feel as if I’m finally getting clarity on things 😊

[june23]

That’s great to hear @Tarmac_6 I am very happy to hear 💗 I have definitely been in your shoes. It is hard. But it is okay. There is always hope to grow and heal and connect with people 🙂 It will make you stronger and more appreciative of the things in your life, and maybe one day that will be a boyfriend but if not - you’ll still have a lot of things to be proud of and feel good about yourself for 👍

[Tarmac_6]

Thankyou ❣️

[june23]

Just @ me @Tarmac_6 if the thoughts come back up and you want to talk about it 🙂💗

[MJG017]

@Tarmac_6 

No need to be sorry.  We're all here to help and support each other, so if you find it helpful, than ask away.

The main thing that helped me to start really changing was kind of forced on me.  I was diagnosed with a serious illness almost 3 years ago.  Many of the people I did have around me (not that it was a lot) all disappeared when I needed them more than ever.  I looked back at my 51 years and saw how all of that trying to be what I though people wanted me to be, just to make them happy was so utterly pointless.  That they were never there when I needed them and I deserved better.  So I decided I wasn't going to accept that anymore and that it was better to have no one that people who I had to put all the effort into maintaining the relationship.  It was a simple thing, and I still struggle with the social anxiety, but I've done so much the past 28 months or so that I could have never done before.  One thing gives you a bit of confidence, which leads to another and it sort of improves quickly.  I've just found it easier to open up to people and build that mutual trust.  It's led me to build much stronger relationships with people.  Not that I'm surrounded by lots of people now, but the ones I do I feel are true friends that I don't have to pretend with and who will be there when I need them... and I can do the same for them.  I just wish I realised all of this 20 or 30 years ago.

[Tarmac_6]

@MJG017, I guess the positive is that you’ve learned now, I’m sure there are heaps of people who never do learn that. I’m sorry you had to go through all of that but it seems to have brought you a lot of wisdom about things and I really appreciate the help you’re giving me now. I guess I will just keep working my up to it and hopefully one day I’ll be like you. Thankyou for listening to me, I hope everything is going good for you now 😊