reminder to self-care while looking after loved one

[tired_sisyphus]

In the same vein as @Determined 's lengthy (but super insightful) thread, thought I'd open up a space myself. To remind myself what's been happening and the need to take self care. (Mostly also don't want to hijack other people's threads with my own stuff)

Long story short, I look after a loved one with various MH challenges, complex trauma stemming from childhood and a myriad of negative life experiences.

Self-care was a foreign concept to me. I used to think:

1. I must do everything to solve the issue;

2. self-sacrifice is a virtue; and

3. (perhaps most problematic) if I break down eventually, I've done my duties.

And yes, I've broken down before. I've sought help. But despite this, my self-care remains mediocre. Sometimes I see work as self-care (because it gets me away from caring work). What were used to be my leisure activities (eg. cafes, walks, even travelling) are now part of caring, because I figured ...hey...I can do both leisure and caring together...*insert wry smile*

I'm at a point where I consider *taking a shower* as a pleasurable self-care.

Now you see why I need this thread to remind myself to do better?

Anyway, these are the background. Would love to hear your ideas, feedback, thoughts.

[TideisTurning]

Caring can be a hard vocation @tired_sisyphus and I know self care is not something that comes all too naturally, or easily, for many who care for others. It sounds to me like you are doing the best you possibly can. Having a shower can be an important part of self care- in addition to me-time, it can serve to meet needs such as those to do with hygiene. Similarly, I feel like there are many activities that may serve to meet multiple needs. There are a few threads related to self care around- Dimensions of Wellness, Well of Wellness to name a few.  

I'll also tag a couple of other members who may have more insight, ideas & wisdom to share @Shaz51 @FloatingFeather 

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @tired_sisyphus,

Thank you for starting this thread. I read your post with compassion and understanding. I have been an emotional carer for a close family member for around 20 years. My family member has a serious mental health issue and also suffers from social anxiety so he rarely leaves the house. Outside his professional team I am pretty much his only support. 

In the beginning (around the time my family member was diagnosed) I gave the majority of my emotional time to my family member. At the time I also had small children but I was so concerned about him and his lack of support from others that I felt it was my job to take care / be there for him. 

Initially it was okay but the more I supported, checked in, listened etc the more dependent he became on me. I was starting to loss myself in it all and was neglecting my children, my husband, other family, friends and most importantly I was neglecting myself. 

The `penny dropped' one day when my family member's psychiatrist asked me what I was doing to take care of myself. It never dawned on me that I may have needs in all this - my focus was on how to help my family member and everything else fell to the wayside.

I started to read about boundaries and self-care. I began to realise that taking care of myself was not only not selfish it was a necessity so that I could help take care of those around me. I also began to also realise that whilst I would do everything within reason to help care for my family member it's not my job to be everything to everyone. More importantly it began to realise that not everything is fixable. I now see things very differently in terms of my family member. I will always be there for him and will do what I can within reason but I think any carer needs to reflect on what they consider to be "within reason". At the end of the day we can only do so much, be so much, help so much. 

Another thing I realised about myself (and I think that this may be common for other people in carer roles) is that I suffer from a lot of guilt. Guilty around how much I help, guilty if I don't have the strength to help some days, etc. While I know that guilt will always be part of me I have learned to acknowledge that this is part of my personality. The difference is now I have learned to put it to one side and not let it be the lead around being a carer.

I think the plane analogy where they state the importance of putting the mask on yourself first before you can help others is one that always sticks in my mind when thinking about being a carer. If you don't have enough `oxygen' for yourself it is impossible to help another person breath.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather

[Former-Member]

@tired_sisyphus and @FloatingFeather thank you both for your vulnerability here. 

I'm not a carer, but when @tired_sisyphus said "I consider *taking a shower* as a pleasurable self-care", it really hit home for me. This has prompted me to think about my own self-care in a meaningful way. And I'm asking myself "what do I need to do to be well enough to care for others".

I'm not sure what the answer is yet, but its definitely more than just a shower (although that's also nice!)

Thanks both ❤️ 

[Determined]

Good to see you here @tired_sisyphus 

Trust it is a beneficial to you as it has been to me. 

[Determined]

@FloatingFeather  I like your plane analogy,

I have heard this before in counselling.

Self care is still elusive for me.

Work is a distraction.

Motocycle is close but still a distraction more than anything. Started out being all about me, mid life crisis lol, But now darling comes with me. (Which I do like)

For me, when I can see someone sinking, I can't not do anything even if it means me sinking with them. Because the guilt of doing nothing would sink me anyway. 

I am getting better at asking for help, but have a family member who likes to 'help' but in reality does not respect boundaries and likes to strut around beating their chest like they are the saviour of the world. 

So just don't go there. To the extent it is hard to ask someone who could be my biggest support because the other one will be included and take over. 

So acknowledging self care is complex

Would be interested to hear others thoughts / experience with this. 

[tired_sisyphus]

Thanks very much everyone for your kind responses.

@TideisTurning- Thanks for the links. I will look, because I've forgotten how to self-care. Or, on an intellectual level I know things to do (eg. walk, read, exercise); but I need to figure out what the mental barriers are to doing them.

I should also clarify that I do shower every day 😂 but some days it's the only thing I'd consider as "self-care". Other days it's just going through the motions.

@FloatingFeather- thanks for sharing. The thoughts about guilt and "selfish" are resonating. Have you ever felt you just can't be bothered?

Thanks for sharing about how "the more I supported, checked in, listened etc the more dependent he became on me". My loved one is coming out of that phase. Progress. But she remains the only one allowed to unload in this relationship. I don't mind that. If I need to unload I can get my own therapist. Maybe it's the guilt that you spoke of.

@Former-Member- feeling that right now. Been having a few frustrating days at work (which, as I mentioned, qualifies as "something I do for myself"). Tank is low. Mindless. Lets' look for that answer together.

@Determined- yes, totally. And also hearing you re. the family member who "likes to help but can't respect boundaries". Have my version of this. Everything is so darn rosy for them, innit?

"Hey things are in the past, why are you thinking about them?"

"Life is so good, what have you got to worry about?"

ha.

Not bad enough for me to cut off contact with them, but I avoid bringing things up. Sad, but helps me clarify my own values too.

[tired_sisyphus]

I'm having a frustrating few days with work and life general direction.

That's on me. That's not an issue for caring for loved one. But it does leave my tank low.

My challenge now is that, even though I know self-care is important and what I can do, I couldn't be bothered.

I'd seriously rather doomscroll on social media than do something I enjoy.

Let's give it a day or two and see how it goes?

The weekend

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @tired_sisyphus , I think it’s a great idea you have created this space for yourself. 

I have found having my own space helpful in that I can read back and see the journey I have taken to get to where I am. I see the tough times, I see the tears, I see the ups, I see the victories. 

All in all, I can learn to appreciate how far I have come as well as see how far others have come.

Im happy for you to tag me any time. 

[tired_sisyphus]

Thanks @BPDSurvivor , I took inspiration from @Determined . Those were monumental threads. I did read back through them. Sorry if that sounded stalkerish. But it's inspiring. Should become a book.

I

I attended my regular carers support group today. After missing their last meeting. Feel really positive to contribute to good energy there. Isn't it true that the best way to beat the blues is to contribute? - well, for me anyway.