Separating the behaviour from the illness

[UprightRabbit]

Hi everyone 🤗

I'm in 'relationship postmortem' phase where I try to shape a narrative of what happened so that it makes sense to me.

I catalyzed my separation days ago and have been in temporary accommodation while my ex relocates. 

The first three actions my ex took:

1. Demanded half our savings (I brought in a lump sum from the sale of my home and wasn't prepared for that demand)

2. Accused me of cheating

3. Swore at me and ridiculed my perceptions 

Now I know there are many sides to every story. Maybe in his narrative, I was the bad guy.

Or maybe I've let his diagnosed mental illness mask the fact that he could at times, just be kind of a jerk?

Maybe he has MI and is also sometimes a jerk. Maybe it was only due to the MI. Maybe I allowed bad behaviour to continue for too long because I couldn't tell the difference. Maybe if he does the work, he'll be awesome. Or maybe he'll be a jerk who has recovered from MI.

I struggle here. Why does it matter so much to me to sort this out in my own mind? 

I lost my cool late yesterday and told him, 'You're chucking a tantrum because you've been called out for bad behaviour'. And he is a lot like a six foot child in some ways. 

Love to hear other perspectives. 

Best, Rabbit. 

[greenpea]

@UprightRabbit  Hi UprightRabbit I cannot talk right now but will get back to you later today. Take good care of youself and try not to stress too much in all honestly it sounds to me like you are doing the right thing. peax

[UprightRabbit]

Thanks @greenpea 

Bit crap today so seeing you pop up is nice 😉

[UprightRabbit]

Just sorting this out and thinking out loud. Semi-publicly in case it helps anyone else.

It doesn't matter why things transpired as they did. I felt disrespected and poorly treated; as a result of that, I'm going to engineer my life so that I move away from situations that make me feel that way, and move towards situations that make me feel valuable and healthy. Regardless of the causes for my ex's behaviour, it's my right to make decisions for my own benefit because I don't owe anyone my peace of mind. 

That sounds okay. I like that. 

[greenpea]

@UprightRabbit  Back :)! you said it right. Regardless of his mi you do deserve respect and need respect. The thing is I know this from my son who has multiple mi's when he is abusive and off the rails it doesnt do him any good either. It is toxic all the way around.  You deserve a stable, loving and caring partnership and that is a fact. UprightRabbit I dont normally say this but I will this time ....... run girl as fast and as far as your feet will carry you in the oppisite direction from him. As for the money hmmmm ..... depending upon how much it is I would just give him half to be rid of him otherwise this could drag out in the courts and go on forever. Leaving you tied to him which is probably what he wants 

Love peaxxx

[FindingStrength]

Hi @UprightRabbit, thanks for posting & hi to @greenpea too.

As a parent of a young adult with MI, I feel the choices I have around being in a relationship with her is fundamentally different to your situation & if I had the same choices, I probably would have taken steps to remove myself from her behaviours a while ago. The illness has behaviours, the person isn't the illness, however they ultimately are the only ones who can be responsible for the behaviours. Others can help, but they have to do the worl.... You do have this choice & it sounds like you have made them, so I wish you well and encourage you to put your energy into recovery of you. I agree with Greenpea that it might be useful to consider if the physical $ value equals your emotional/mental value. It might be better overall to cut your losses, but only you will know that. 

MI affects reasoning, so if his is not currently managed, then consider what you would be trying to reason with. Otherwise maybe some mediation might help?? I'd also encourage you to seek out some services for partners/family/friends of someone with MI, I have found it super helpful for my own wellbeing to talk with someone who has some empathy & understanding as well as professional training - there are also free or low cost services too.

You asked for other perspectives, so here's one that I use all of the time, its one of the lenses that I try to observe my life through:

ALL relationships are a vehicle for personal growth. Whatever is being experienced offers an opportunity to learn things about myself, where I have healing to do, where am I disempowered or co-dependant etc. They show us things about ourselves & recognising that you deserve to be treated with respect is a key element of self-respect.... It might also show where there is room for growth regading the experiences of others & how I/we can learn to interact with people who are different/challenged/unwell in a way that assists them too.

When it is healed within, then its no longer experienced the same - or at all.

Thats my no obligation 2 cents worth 🙂

Take care & you grow (go) girl! x

[SJT63]

@UprightRabbit 

Mine throws tantrums. Tantrums just like a toddler throwing all his toys out of the pram. He throws them when any minute little thing in the universe doesn't go exactly as his bipolar/aspy brain thinks it should. If he doesn't get his own way he has a massive hissy fit. I am not the only one he does it to.

I become the bad guy minute I contradict him in any way. He's obviously always been bipolar/aspy, just wasn't diagnosed until his wife left him 14 years ago. Diagnosed ASD along with his two sons about 10 years ago - I've met his dad, no surprises there. The breakup of his marriage gave him PTSD. He's tried to end it before and there is still SI if I appear distressed by what he says and does to me.

I'm glad for you that you were able to leave, if you felt that was the best for both of you. I did that with my 25 year marriage (15 years ago) as the then husband was severely depressed but insisted I was the mental one. I left him as a last resort for him to get help, assuring him that we could rekindle once he got well. 3 months later he was living with someone else.. but that's a whole other story.

This one knows he is ill, regularly sees a pshch and is on plenty of meds. Unfortunately he has been pretty much out of control for a couple of months now. When we met (2 years ago) he was very honest with me about everything he lives with. In the past the "bad days" have only lasted a week or so but the latest has been going on for months.

I don't want to leave him. I promised to stand by him, I promised his parents in their 80's I would be here to look after him after they've gone. When he is himself he is perfect for me.

I can't leave him. I don't want to be responsible for anything he might do as a result and... it's my house.

His behaviour is the illness. When the illness takes hold he has no control; when it subsides he is devastated. The illness is not his excuse for spousal abuse because he is like it with everyone, and if there's no one home when it strikes he will ring someone (or a call centre) just to have someone to shout at.

I am convinced that he is not a jerk with MI... but I also cannot cope with much more of the bad behaviour. He knows I'm not coping, that I plan to get help, and that I'm not coping because of him. However, the moments when we can have a rational discussion about anything at all are few and far between these days.

Mine swears at me and calls me stupid all the time. I know he doesn't really think that. He told his dad  he thought I was the smartest person he'd ever met. He's not a jerk, he's ill, and that's what I tell myself over and over and it works if I've had enough sleep. Lately he's not letting me sleep.

It matters to you to sort it out, whether he's a actually a jerk or not, because you don't want to feel like the bad guy. 

Love, S

[UprightRabbit]

Hi @SJT63 

I swore to mine that I'd stay. It was supposed to be our forever relationship. But my body broke down, I stopped eating and sleeping, for two weeks I cried the moment anyone - family, strangers - spoke kindly to me. It was separate or nothing in the end. 

I sincerely hope you can make it work. Not gonna lie, your situation sounds so difficult. I'm really hoping it works out for your sake. 

Best, Rabbit.

[UprightRabbit]

And @SJT63 this will likely be an alienating statement but I'm extremely concerned for you. Someone has to stand up and say, You are in an abusive relationship. He's not letting you sleep. How much longer can you do this for? 

Please, consider alternatives. This sounds dangerous. You are not responsible for anyone's actions but your own and I'm worried. 

Rabbit. 

[SJT63]

@UprightRabbit  you are, of course, perfectly correct in all that you say to me. I don't know how long I can keep it up, but I will until I am as broken as you were. If I break, so be it.

I got lucky last night and he cracked the sads and went to bed first so I could camp on the couch using my ongoing headache as an excuse.  I got nearly 5 hours. I'm not crying today and feeling a bit sheepish for having such a sook for the first half of the week. I lose perspective when I don't get enough sleep. He had a go this morning because my facial expression wasn't right but because I wasn't so wired I just let it wash over me.

Even though we can't find a date that  he thinks is suitable, I am definitely going to take myself away for a weekend by myself. Back when we could travel I used to go down and stay with his mum near Byron Bay for a night or two when it got too much, or send him, but we haven't seen her since January.

Thank you for worrying. I am worried too.