Communicating when afraid

[Kriss]

How do you guys communicate when you're too anxious? Or terrified of the person you're trying to talk to?

I want to be able to communicate to my family and stick up for my boundaries, to avoid exacerbating any problems.

I don't have the best history with them. They've, kinda abused me? Neglected me when I was a child. They're the types that lash out at me if they think they're in the right or if they're angry.

I end up freezing up or not knowing what to say which tends to make things worse. I just, disconnect but uh, I want to be able to speak up for myself more.

So I was just looking for some tips for when it's especially hard. I've been getting better at it but it messes with me sometimes, and it's very easy for them to mess with my head without them realising it (or maybe they do, I don't know. I don't know how to feel or think around them, it's hard)

No i can't leave my household at the moment.

Thanks. 

[Ru-bee]

Hi @Kriss 

Something that helps me is writing out what I want to say beforehand. This could be just short dot-points, or like a little script or something in between, just something to help me to keep my thoughts organised and make sure I'm able to get my point across in a clear way.

If this still doesn't feel doable, perhaps you could write a letter for them to read and then you can talk about it afterwards? Sometimes putting something in writing is a good way to go when we're not feeling safe enough to speak our thoughts, but we still need to communicate them

It might also help to set a few boundaries at the start of the conversation, eg. If you start to lash out or raise your voice I'm going to need to step away until things are able to calm down

It sounds like this is going to be a pretty tough conversation to have. Is there a way that you can plan to take extra care of yourself afterwards?

[Bow]

Hey @Kriss  

i can really relate to what you have shared here and I reckon a lot of others will do too. 

I often struggle to communicate with my treating team important information, or things that I need, or just difficult things to verbalised. I am though, pretty good at writing things down. And different people are ok with this and others I think wish that I would just bloody say it out loud!!!

My old psychologist was great with it.  Could write stuff down, and if she seen that I had my book she knew I had something for her to read. Now this information was passed onto my new psych but she ain’t keen to do the same. 

writing can be helpful to practice saying what you want to communicate. You could write it out a number of times. And I think if you know it’s just going to be too hard, then just hand it over. All they can say is no, you need to say it. And then id just read it out. 

I have also created some cards. They are simple. Some say I am not ok please check in on me more often. I’m not safe and I need your help to keep me safe. Please check in with me on the scale 1-10. I can’t remember the rest sorry. But there is about 8. I’ve showed them to my supports and they know what I need when I show them one of them. 

can you have a supportive person with you??!! I always find that helpful. We would have discussed before hand and she will prompt me if I forget things. 

[WellnessLens]

Hi @Kris,

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can relate to the paralysis. Having fear of expressing yourself (especially to family or people who have hurt you) can be very distressing and overwhelming.

The only thing I think I could add is what sometimes helps me: it’s okay not to be ready to express yourself - yet.

At times, I have tried meditation to help ground myself and figure out how to confidently and authentically say what I feel, in a way that advocates for my wellness.

Another thing that has helped me is planning what to do if you do or say when I feel frozen or overwhelmed. I’ve got my own ready-to-say exit strategies which can be as simple as saying “I need some time in the restroom,” or “I need to go for a walk,” without needing to explain why.

It is my attempt to re-settle my nervous system and hopefully see more clearly through the fear.

I have also found that "The Crappy Childhood Fairy", who is a lived CPTSD experience person has some wonderful tips on YouTube.  PS: She has a calming voice, which I like. 🙂 

I hope my sharing helps.

xx

[tyme]

Thanks for sharing @WellnessLens ,

Welcome to the forums. It's great to have you with us. Feel free to introduce yourself here Re: Welcome! Introduce yourselfi here 🙂 

[defaultusername]

Hi @Kriss,

Thank you for sharing and I am very sorry to see that you're in such a difficult situation.

I can relate quite a bit, as I have also had very similar experiences with family members that have caused harm and/or are intimidating, whether they realise it or not.

As a passive personality type I have found that when I try to be more assertive, it can be very empowering and is often received better than I thought it would (not always, of course, but I just make sure I hope for the best but prepare for the worst). And I agree 100% with @Ru-bee and @Bow, having a script or some dot points can be very helpful when we're freezing up or having anxiety around speaking to someone. And writing to someone can be very helpful, when we're concerned we may not be able to speak to the best of our ability.

Are you currently seeing any mental health professionals? Perhaps someone could help work with you more in depth on some confidence building and setting boundaries, as well as focus on different communication styles/conflict resolution strategies.

Wishing you all the best, and remember that you're not alone.

[Asgard]

Morning Kriss

Nice to meet you.  I so identify with the anxiety aspect of having to talk to people.  I had a very bad stutter when I was growing up, so when I was forced to communicate with people I would fail miserably.  The idea of writing down your thoughs which @Bow @WellnessLens @defaultusername mentioned is a really good way of framing what you want to say.  It allows you to channel your thoughts into words, it also allows you to practice what you want to say.  Me, I love the written word, I can finally express myself regarding what I truely feel.  Spoken word, well not so great.   So write down what you would like to say and practice saying it, slow and steady.  Thinking of you........Asgard