Two young kids and partner with complex Mental Health issues and physical health conditions

[TN2021]

Hi all. 

Im new here, and looking for support. I feel so stuck right now. I've been with my partner 10yrs, we have 2 young kids, one at school and one at kinder/preschool. He is an excellent father, and he loves his kids, no doubt there. But his mental health, social issues and health care needs are very complex.

He has ASD, PTSD and anxiety/depression. He has experienced alot of trauma in his life, and it was compounded 3yrs ago when he was very badly assaulted, and little was done to support him by local authorities. He sees a psychologist (we aim for fortnightly to monthly). He is trying to work on his issues. And when he is good, he is great. But when the black monster visits its hell. And I have to confess, I'm getting to the point lately of being completely physically and emotionally fried. I don't want to leave him. I know he is doing what he can. He works, and seeks help. I just feel like everywhere we turn at the moment is just another brick wall to overcome. And ive reached the point of having nothing left in my tank. He has been very physically unwell recently, which in turn of course affects his mental health. Some of the important therapeutic levels of elements in his body are significantly low and these are also affecting his mental health. But he csnt be treated for those thing until he is "over" the latest medical flare up, which could be weeks still. This makes him near impossible to love with. He is moody, anxious, very up and down and unstable. If I could I would move out with the kids for a month or so while things get sorted. But i csnt do that, as then there would be no one to look after him. He can't go to family, as his psychologist says, family only compound his issues at present. 

I just dont know what to do. I'm burnt out, I need a break, I need to find my head again and do a better job of looking after my kids. But I can't when there just seems like  no option. He can't work as he is unwell, he is out of leave, im trying to work as much as I can to bring in some income. And im wrecked. I'm honestly wrecked. And I don't see a solution anywhere I look. I feel like a terrible mother and a terrible partner. It's not that I don't love him and support him, I try. I'm just running on empty. I don't know where to turn what to do. I feel so stuck and alone. 

Thanks for reading this. It's just so hard and I feel so lost. 😪

[Fairyflosser]

Hi there, 

I’m going though something similar with my partner atm. It’s a heavy load. My kids are teenagers and I remember the manual/ emotional load of smaller kids, without an unwell partner! 

I’ll tell you what I am doing for me atm and see if any of that resonates with you / or you could try- 

you cannot change anything about your partner- they are responsible for their own healing. So focus on yourself and the kids. Try and get some daycare/ respite for yourself if possible, and take yourself out of the home for rest. 

work your work situation to your advantage energy wise, so work when you are most capable, for me, that is day shifts only and no more than 3 a week. 

I listen to asmr for relaxation daily and this is literally a lifesaver for me. 

prioritise sleep and good food, excercise daily. 

try and have one person for a daily check in, a family or friend. 

I try and have dinner cooked earlier in the day and know I will cope so much better if it’s done. Know your own limits. 

I have daily notes/ lists on my phone of my partners appointments etc so nothing gets confused. 

when I can afford it, massage, movies or something you enjoy. 

If your safety is at all at risk, these answers would be very different. Then you would need to leave until things are safe for you. 

hope today is better!!! 

[KeepItReal]

You poor thing - you are really running on empty as you say but just take a breath. First thing to do is to use language which is much, much kinder to you. You have an enormous challenge on your hands which does not make you a bad partner or a bad mother. From what I can glean from this, you have made an enormous effort to do right by everyone while your circumstances just get harder and harder. Your energy is depleted and you are starting to feel a bit desperate about what to do. Your own self-esteem and sense of self is being eroded in this and why wouldn't it be? You have needs and a right to feel loved and supported, but your partner is not well enough to meet those responsibilities to your relationship right now. Despite this rough time, don't despair. Things can get better but clearly you need expert help and advice. You cannot do this alone. Do you have a good GP you can discuss things with for a start? I'm sure there are agencies who can start to help you in all kinds of ways if you reach out. If it all seems like a shipwreck right now I can tell you what was said to me once when my life was in a similar scramble and I was totally bewildered. A lovely social worker said "You have been like a little ship out in the ocean battling the storm all alone. But now the ship has hit the rocks and that's a good thing." I wanted to know how that could be a good thing and she said "Because when the ship hits the rocks, everyone comes running to help." It's true you know. You are not alone, people want to help and one day you can look back and see how you made it safely back to land. Chin up now. You can do this. 💕

[ArraDreaming]

I don’t have a lot to say, because I am a young father of 3 that has had similar things towhat your saying about your partner, I have a lot more good days then bad days now, and the bad days don’t stick around to bad weeks or months anymore, but I just wanted to let you know I hear you that its really hard

[tyme]

I'm sorry to hear how tough things have been for you @TN2021 ,

I'm absolutely hearing you.

Do you think he is unwell enough to be in hospital?

Do you have private health insurance?

The other option is if there is a flare up in this mental health, he goes to emergency and can hopefully ask for admission into a Prevention and Recovery Centre (PARC). This is for about two weeks. Unless he has a case manager, he can't go to a prevention and recovery centre unless it's through the hospital.

I've been to PARCs myself, and found it very therapeutic in that it gave both myself and others to have a break and I could focus on my recovery.

[tyme]

How are you @TN2021 ?

[jakebrake]

🙌🏽

[jakebrake]

@TN2021my heart breaks for you as I feel I'm in almost the same boat.

I don't have any advice or a magic wand but I have shared experiences and the same feelings of being torn and feeling like I'm failing my kids and having a completely empty tank.

I also don't know what to do and feel so alone as we also can't go to family and have very few friends.

The screen is blurry from tears from both realising I'm not alone AND that there are others out there enduring this hell on both our side and our husband's side.

I wish you strength, luck, anything that feels like a win and peace. 🫶🏽