Realising I've been emotionally abused – what to do next?

[sopa]

A sad and lonely post after a series of incremental incidents through which I finally realised my unwell partner has been abusing me for months, and I've been minimising his behaviour and its impact because I've been trying to be compassionate about his mental health challenges.

No specific details about the abuse other than it's emotional and verbal, related very closely to his alcohol use and what we now suspect is triggered symptoms of undiagnosed borderline in addition to his diagnosed bipolar (and its frequent episodes of mania), and has been occurring for months; almost our entire year-long relationship. I'm safe and okay; I'm not in any danger.

I thought I was successfully holding the line between protecting myself and being understanding to him, but I now realise I've had poor boundaries and have fronted myself up to his harm over and over and made countless excuses that have minimised my own pain.

I now can't move past how much he's hurt me, and I know I should leave, but I don't want to – I love him so deeply; I know him and I cherish him; and I want to make a life with him. It's him.

I'm furious at him for harming us this much and putting me in a position where I either stay in an abusive relationship or lose the love of my life. I'm (less) furious at myself for being so badly boundaried that I've exposed myself to his harm over and over.

My hope that he will change is thin and flickering; he says he understands how bad things are and will tell me on Saturday when we next speak his plan to change. I know better now but still can't help but hope.

I'm wondering if anyone's been in a similar situation with an unwell partner who is abusive and has any empathy or guidance to share.

[Ru-bee]

Hi @sopa 

This must be a confronting realisation to have had. I'm not able to share guidance based on my own experiences, but I wanted to reach out and to acknowledge how difficult it must have been to recognise that this behaviour is abusive. I'm glad that you've felt safe to share this here.

It's very understandable to still have hope that this person will change and that you will be able to make it work, I think that's a very human reaction. I wonder if you've reached out for any support for this? 1800Respect provide support and guidance for these very situations and may be a great resource for you while you're processing this and deciding what the next step is.

[Determined]

@sopa 

I just wanted to reach out and say you are not alone and feeling for you. Anything else I added would only be unhelpful in my current mindset

What you said about making allowances for ones mental illness while minimising your own pain really resonated with me. 

I also care about my wife but it burns that support is one sided. I am grateful we don't have the complications of substance abuse. 

Do you have any supports around you to process this? I would highly recommend seeing someone. Starting with GP perhaps. If at first you don't succeed. Try again.

I am also linked in with carer gateway. They have some services that have been super helpful for me. 

[Lambert]

@sopa So much empathy for you. After 30ish years I am now accepting that my auDHD son is emotionally abusive towards me and it's so difficult to reconcile that with the emotions attached to someone you deeply love. I have a counselling appointment through my EAP today with someone experienced with ADHD and autism. Hoping for some fresh ideas. Do you have paid employment with an EAP?

Gonna try the 'Taking all the help I can get' approach at the moment!!

@Ru-bee some interesting feedback.. I rang 1800respect and briefly explained the emotional/verbal abuse from my son. She empathised for a little bit but told me that they couldn't really help much with that as there was no violence towards me. (I had explained he sometimes throws one of his objects when he's mad but never throws things to hurt people). So I had to look elsewhere. Do you reckon it was just this one person? Given their title including 'respect' I had really thought the manipulative verbal abuse was in their wheelhouse? 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Ru-bee]

That response from 1800respect really surprises me @Lambert and I'm really sorry that you got that response from this person.

On their website they specify that they do offer support for all forms of abuse and violence, including psychological abuse  which makes your experience all the more confusing. I wonder if you would feel able to try their services again, or provide feedback to them about your experience? 

I'm really glad to hear that you've been able to book in with your EAP and I hope that this is able to make a difference for you.

[sopa]

I wanted to update my post by saying I’ve left my partner.

I discussed the abuse with my counsellor and GP, who advised we have a period of no-contact (to clear my head and recuperate) which we did. After three weeks we slowly and carefully started speaking again, and I saw his behaviour improve. Trust budded back. But I’d set a boundary with my counsellor that my partner could never repeat his behaviour. So last week, when he did, I said: I give up. I realised I was believing in the very best version of my partner, who is loving and silly and kind, and ignoring the reality — that man doesn’t exist. The only version of my partner that exists is Current Him, not Good Him. And while I know and love Current Him, despite everything, I can’t keep holding out for a fiction and putting myself through so much pain.

I wanted to share this in case someone in a similar situation came across this post. 

I am devastated, enraged, daunted. I also feel peace.