How to protect yourself from the worry and pain of watching your adult child suffer

[BraveMum2022]

Hello,

I am a mother of a 20 year old son who has high functioning Autism. Your post about stepping back and observing without participating, and letting the child learn to adapt appropriate levels of expectation, in order to develop and control was amazing.

I am going through that very stage of life with my son now. I separated from my husband in 2022 - thus the BraveMum2022, and have had a lot of trauma. My ex-husband was emotionally controlling, abusive and controlled every aspect of our families life with fear, lies and emotional manipulation. After being a stay at home Mum for 23 years, I had to get out and find a job to support myself, and then recently after further emotional abuse directed at my son, I am now his sole carer. He is a wonderful, caring young man and is now starting to regain control of his life. It certainly comes with its challenges, as he makes a lot of mistakes, sleeps in and has huge anxiety issues. However, I am learning that I don't have to fix everything, and the more I step back without judgement and allow him to learn for himself - the more he grows. He has had 2 failed jobs, and a lot of problems with disability employment agencies, but with encouragement, he has decided to start a Certificate 2 in Automotive at Tafe. The anxiety of course is still huge, and each step of getting ready has caused sleepless nights, bingeing on takeaway food and messed up daily routine. However, he recognises this for himself, and is learning how to take responsibility - ring his PT and re-book missed appointments for gym, make appointments for his own haircuts, learning to walk or box to relieve stress, and gradually learning money skills. Even though some of these things may seem very small - to me they are huge acheivements from the scared, unorganised, directionless young man he used to be.

I am getting help from a mental health worker to help me navigate my new life as a single parent, but there is nothing like the lived experience of someone on the spectrum!

I stumbled across this website, as, as well as working at a bakery, I am studying Certificate 4 in Mental Health at Tafe myself, and this website was included as a reference in the Unit on Recognising and Responding to Crisis Situations.

Thank you so much for your insights. I was gradually learning this myself, and was just trusting my gut that this was now the correct way to best care for my son, but you confirmed it.

It is truly challenging and painful to watch our children make mistakes, but part of them becoming adults is us allowing them to be themselves. They can surprise us with what they are capable of when we let them!

[tyme]

Thank you for sharing your story @BraveMum2022 . You certainly are so brave. It is incredible to see what these young people are capable of if we give them the chance. He is so lucky to have you.

Studying Mental Health really opens your eyes. Then, when you work in the field, you learn more and more each day. It is truly rewarding.

[BraveMum2022]

Just to clarify - this post was in response to the post by PracticallySane.

[tyme]

Hey @BraveMum2022 , to tag the other member in your post, you type "@" in front of their name.

@PracticallySane , the post above was for you 🙂 Happy reading!

[Shaz51]

Hello @PracticallySane , @Krishna , @BraveMum2022 , @Me61 

thinking of you all today and sending lots of tender hugs and letting you know that you are not alone my friends