Friend with BPD

[Eden1919]

Hi i am usually on the lived experience side of sane but i am struggling a little with my friend who has BPD and PTSD. usually i am fine when talking to them but lately i have found myself feeling very triggered about what they say and i am not totally sure why that is. my friend is a good person and they are really struggling at the moment but i have been getting a little frustrated because they say they want help but then will turn around and refuse any help that is offered and then will complain that no one is helping them it is very confusing. they say they dont want to feel the way they do but then will continue with very unhelpful behaviours even when they admit they know they shouldnt do that as it wont help. 

i have tried to just be there and listen and remind them they are cared about but at the same time it is triggering for me and where i am at to keep hearing some of the stuff they are saying and i am not sure where to draw the line and when to be compassionate and when i have a right to be frustrated. like i guess it is their life and they can do what they want but then idk what to say when they tell me they are suicidal and about to try and hurt themselves again and they wont call any services for help. that puts me in a hard position like i can encourage them to seek help but that is all i can really do idk it is hard. 

am i being unreasonable to be getting frustrated with them should i try and be more understanding of their circumstances? how can i limit myself being triggered without them thinking i am mad at them or abandoning them?

thanks to anyone who read all that.  

[Paperdaisy]

Hey @Eden1919 I'm hearing this is a tricky spot for you. It sounds like you want to be there for your friend but their mental health issues are impacting your mental health. It can be so frustrating when people come to you for support but don't do anything to support themselves. I feel for you, in my experience BPD can be particularly debilitating as there is that need for validation and care from friends or someone and it's that behaviour that tends to push people away. They often don't want to reach out to professional supports or it's harder whatever the reason may be, even though that is what they need. It becomes very hard to be the caregiver all the time. You are being a good friend, it's an exhausting cycle to be involved in. I believe that putting boundaries in place to protect yourself and your own mental health is a good thing. 

I'm sorry we seem to have missed this post, I hope you have been able to get some support during that time. @BPDSurvivor might have some helpful advice. 

How are you doing in yourself these days Eden1919? Sending strength 💝

[BPDSurvivor]

I read what you are saying @Eden1919 . It sounds so typical of BPD. I remember when I used to turn up to ED in absolute distress but then refuse help. It put staff in a difficult place so I ended up with so many involuntary admissions.

now I think about it, I think it’s to do with control. By refusing help, it’s a form of control because our heads are so out of control. It’s like standing there watching things zoom past at a million miles and hour. You want it to stop but don’t know how so you end up self harming just to slow it all down.

when I think about my BPD life, I can’t say it’s been easy at all. No wonder people seek an out. If it wasn’t for my MH supports, I wouldn’t be here. I was sick a difficult case. I couldn’t even work myself out.

if I could, I would have wanted to extract my brain and get a new one fitted. Unfortunately, it wasn’t that easy. So I turned to self harm.

i hear your friend is hurting so much inside. Yet it’s also important you set boundaries with what they share so it doesn’t affect you more than you can handle. BPD-ers can go overboard, so make the boundaries clear.

[Eden1919]

@Paperdaisy @BPDSurvivor  thank you both for the replies i have decided i need to set some more boundaries but i truthfully have been avoiding having the conversation with my friend because i am not sure how to have the conversation i think it is going to be difficult. anyway i will try and muster up the courage to try soon.  

[BPDSurvivor]

How are you @Eden1919 ? How's your friend going? I hope you are able to look after yourself at this time. 

Speaking for a borderline's perspective, they can be very hard work and draining. So I encourage you to make sure you monitor your own MH. If you have to stay away for a bit, let them know, and do so - for your own sake.

See you around @Eden1919 

[Eden1919]

@BPDSurvivor  hey, i havent spoken to my friend in about a week or so so i am not sure how they are at the moment truthfully i have been avoiding them a little because of the conversation i need to have with them but i will try soon i have just had other things on my plate as well and i have been exhausted lately so i am struggling a bit with just keeping myself going. i hope you are doing well yourself. 

[Shlach]

Hi @Eden1919 

I don’t know if you’ll find this helpful but I’ve been going through something similar with a close friend. I have been using carers gateway for 6 free counselling sessions to support me through this difficult time. They are a phone counselling service that is Australia wide. It’s been so helpful preparing me for a conversation I'm planning on having with my friend this week. 

If you have further questions for me please don’t hesitate to ask.