Dealing with a BPD partner

[Andrew1]

Hi everyone,

Im new to here because I'm desperately looking for coping strategies for being a supportive partner to someone with BPD. There is so much information out there on what not to do but nothing much on what TO do. Hoping to find someone who has found a successful way of dealing with this

[Former-Member]

Hi @Andrew1 

The Bordeline in the ACT website (link below)  gives a number of links to pages where specific "to do" guidelines and advice is given. 

Is there a specific situation that you are having specific difficulties with? If other forum members have experienced something similar they may be able to let you know how they managed.

http://www.borderlineintheact.org.au/family-friends-and-carers/relationships/partner-with-bpd/

[Andrew1]

The hardest part is when the arguments start and trying not to take things personally. 

[Sitafi1989]

Hello. I can relate to what you are saying. My partner of almost 2 years have BPD and when we have arguments, it is difficult to not take things personally. What I suggest is to practice on thinking logically so that you can approach the situation in a logical manner and instead of reacting, respond to the argument by asking the person a logical question. For example, when my partner says hurtful things to me, I would say, "Is that helpful?" And my partner have apologise. Also if you are not tight on budget, I suggest going to a dual counselling where the counsellor is specialise in schema therapy. The schema therapist would recommend the two of you to attend once a week or once a fortnight because the therapist would give you ongoing practical homework for you to do outside of the counselling session to help improve your relationship

[Andrew1]

Thanks for your help. We really can't afford intensive therapy at the moment but I have been to the dr to get a care plan for my own therapy. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 9 years  before i met my current partner and the damage that did to me is starting to affect my relationship now because I never really dealt with it. I know that being rational and logical sounds easy in theory but its not always easy when you get flashbacks of being abused, even when you know that's not what is happening now

[Shaz51]

hello @Andrew1  how are you today

Hello @Sitafi1989 , @Former-Member , @Determined 

[Sitafi1989]

Hello @Shaz51 

[Shaz51]

hello @Sitafi1989 , how are you today xx

@Determined  has a BPD partner xx

[Andrew1]

Hey guys, thanks for checking in with me. It's been a hectic few months. I've moved out and back in about 4 times. I just quit my job and have started working for myself so I have the flexibility to leave when I need to. C has been unwell for about 8 months now which is a very long time for her to be in a down cycle and I just dont know how to help her get out. The main thing she keeps asking is why I can't take care of her. I try my best but little things upset her like major issues. I know that's part of the illness but how do you explain to someone who is hysterical because dinner is late that it's not because you dont love her and it doesn't mean you cant or wont  look after her? 

[Lucy_Lou]

I find the books Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder and Stop Walking on Eggshells very helpful in understing your loved one with BPD. There are a couple of scenarios in the book that will explain how BPs behave and how a non BP can respond. You will find yourself nodding and remember the times it happened to you in real life. Its a good book/read. My partner has BPD, and it helped me to understand more about BP and communicate with my partner efficiently.