Daily Check In Space

[Appleblossom]

@greenpea It is my understanding that self harm arises from anger that has not found its target and so is turned against the self.  I never had much anger growing up as I just went with everybody's flow and had no idea to expect or denande anything.  I also tried to understand my siblings self harm..  Now I sometimes feel anger out how I have been treated and rejected all the time, so I do know what it feels like, but still uncertain about when it is good energy, as I was exhausted from working too hard and depression for a long time.  Not even sure which is depression and which is plain exhaustion or what is grief. It has all been mixed up together.

Therapists have been totally useless in helping me identify these things I have to do it all myself.

[greenpea]

@Appleblossom  Hmmm that is interesting what you say on self harm stemming from anger. I bottle down my anger. I never show it.  I am sorry you are dealing with so much. Life can be so unfair Apple. Love to you my friend. pea

[Appleblossom]

@greenpea You need help to express anger safely and constructively. Living with as much stress as you do it is natural you would feel anger and bottling it can help stop us from spilling ot over children, but there is a limit  Of course everybody says anger is bad and we should not allow ourselves to hurt others with it, but finding that line where we can channel it is key. That is one reason why I garden, If I feel angry I put it into my foot and on a spade for digging.  Most of the time I garden I just quietly do little bits, watering, weeding trimming etc. Mostly I am absorbed interested, noticing little things I can do or change or move  ... or birds and insects etc ...  Doing all the research into neuroscience shows us that anger and many feelings are chemical reactions and so in that sense it is not morally good or bad but essential for survival.  So I try and find a way.  Anger never came quickly or early to me, I had "lessons" in anger by a gestalt therapist, before I really was aware of it, or even knew the things I experienced should make me angry.  Even 40 years later, I am not wired that way, but I am getting more assertive putting that anger energy ... (adrenaline ... fight flight)  into my life in little ways ... so that I say I have grumpy old lady status.

Yesterday someone interrupted me at the checkout to squabble about which tomatoes were on his bill, stressing the staff out, and I butted in asking customer questions and putting him a little back, as he had no hesitation bossing the person at the checkout due to 'obvious' social superiority. (aka trendy clothes)  I made the staff laugh as I accidentally called him checkout chic and then changed it from chic to chap ... which he preferred.  The energy to do that has a little in common with anger ... ... I used to want to just crawl away and hide ... and be at peace in my own little world ... or maybe I am just too analytical about it all.

Anyway I hope you find ways to manage those self harm impulses.  At first I did not even recognise the feeling coming on,  so it takes time to notice even that ... and say ... I need to get active ... or I need to curl up and cuddle .... both can work at different times .... cos feelings are complicated.

[greenpea]

@Appleblossom  Hi Apple good on you for standing up to the idiot and the check out. I used to be good like that but since I have been on my mood medications I find it hard to express my anger at all let alone in a safe way.  It seems to be one extreme or the other with my emotions. When I am not in control I will blow kisses to strangers in cars or be inside my unit unable to come out .....

[Appleblossom]

@greenpea  lol ... blowing kisses to strangers ... Having goodwill to all people ... is often encouraged in many worold religions including Buddhism and Christianity ....I would give hugs to adult students if appropriate as that is what my piano teacher did to all hers and me and it helped.  Some people give off a dont touch me vibe and I always respect that, and also young children and parents.

So there is a huge prosocial side in you and also a need for solo time.  Embrace both of them. 

I am hopeless socially... lol ... but still i'n there" trying ....  

[Former-Member]

@Shaz51 just tagging you here and hoping you have a lovely evening. I'll check in with how you're going tomorrow 

[Shaz51]

Thanks @Former-Member 

[Shaz51]

Yes Christmas is a bit crazy this year @Former-Member 

Soo I am trying to lower my expectant and try to make it go through smoothly,  lots of big breaths xx

[Former-Member]

I'm sharing those deep breaths with you, @Shaz51. What's today looking like for you?

[Shaz51]

Not good at the moment @Former-Member 

Very mixed up day , electrician here 

Mum has woken up later and is way out of sorts and angry at me 

Having to chase up myaged care for re registration 

Last day of work -- taking 2 weeks holiday ,