Change without support

[Sharni-lea]

Hi all, my partner after months of saying she doesn't know what she wants has said she misses us, loves us and wants to come home. Do you think someone can change with months of time out and no formal support or help? Worried I'm being love bombed and manipulated.

[Jynx]

Hard to say @Sharni-lea it sounds like a tricky situation. Perhaps the only way to know for sure is to talk to them, but to keep very firm boundaries and reach out to other supports if you're getting a bad feeling. 1800Respect would be a potential option if you need to talk it through with someone!

Sounds like you've got a lot of awareness and insight, so hopefully even if they do attempt to manipulate you, you will be able to see it coming. I think people do have the capacity to change on their own if they do some serious introspection and stuff, but also it's helpful to be wary in order to protect yourself. 

We can always provide some support and guidance along the way too, if ever you need to unpack it in a safe space 💜

[SkySeeker22]

Hi @Sharni-lea 

I think that people can change when they realise what they are missing out on.  Even though your partner may not have received and formal help/support, perhaps they gained perspective from talking to others, friends or family?

In this situation I think its great that you are aware of the potential being "love bombed and manipulated" as this does happen in some situations.  How would it feel for you if your partner did come back to you?

Warm regards

SkySeeker22

[Sharni-lea]

Thank you,

I feel I know her truth deep down and that this is real. She will still need a lot of support I guess to ensure she has the best chances to regain her mental health, yet I believe she's genuine..I'm just nervous about what it looks like as it will not be the same, there are months of pain now we need to address on top of whatever else is going on. She sent me this song today, told me it's how she feels and asked me not to give up on her. Breaks my heart.

Half a man - Dean Lewis (the words run deep for us as she pushed me away and said I deserve better for months).

I feel this is the biggest challenge of both our lives.

[Sharni-lea]

It's been 6 days. She is like a completely different person to the last 5 months. I see and feel her again. I think maybe I was the victim of a 5 month split. I am terrified though as if bpd behaviours, without help, I feel like I'm on borrowed time.

[Jasper_123]

Hi @Sharni-lea , I would be cautious. As you've said the risk of love bombing is there. Have you had this experience before? I think the best thing to do is to set firm boundaries and expectations (eg. getting proper help etc) and ask yourself: do you want to get back together with her? 

[Sharni-lea]

So she is still 'loving me' as in she is hugging, kissing, messaging a lot and will say she loves me. I feel like it's been a long time but this thread has made me realise it's only weeks and my time line is screwed. She has seen a psychologist twice now and been sent for an emerging psychiatric evaluation so is seeking help. She still hurts me though and I struggle to understand choice verses a real deficit. Ie I asked her to a concert a month ago, she didn't respond and then said I don't know and wouldn't commit. She then tells me 2 weeks ago the gurl who's lounge she's been on for 5 months, bought her tickets. They are road tripping, concerning and moteling while I am also going, yet she won't go with me as says she doesn't want to let the friend down. I offered to all go together and she said it's awkward as the friend doesn't really want to. She says sorry and she never means to hurt me but I told her weeks ago this hurts me and we need a solution, now we are 2 days away and ..  it's happening.. no solution. She just gets annoyed shuts down and says she's a bad partner as she keeps hurting me. She says she can't help it but I find this impossible.  She still says she loves me and is getting better and closer to coming home to me (split 5 months ago, together 12 years). Her behaviour, maybe the push pull talked about, not sure, is so so hurtful and confusing  😞 , if this is love bombing, she's not very good at it, it's all words and what suits her still at this stage, she just days she has jo capacity to give me what I want yet loves me and wants me to wait and says she will fix it ... there is now talk of brain injury feom multiple concussions as well as possible backgrounds of undiagnosed adhd, untreated depression and anxiety, when I do the dmr5 she gets all 9 for bpd as well.