Caring for a wife with Borderline Personality Disorder- Sequel to Diary of wife’s hospital stay - holding it together for our family.

[Former-Member]

@Determined

Yes that is good news..

the hardest step for some people acknowledging that they need help and asking for help..

very encouraging coming from your wife..

I am sensing that she is wanting this and making an effort for all of you from little things that have happened over the last few months..

very hard for you....you have shown great strength and courage...be kind to yourself..

am very pleased for you..

take care

[Determined]

It does give me hope @Former-Member however from my perspective she only ever makes just enough effort to give me that hope and only after she thinks/ knows she has pushed me too far. At least if this next step eventuates we may be able to address this.     If only she put as much effort into our marriage as she did so called friendships who dumped her anyway, half of that effort would make an amazing difference to our marriage.  

[Determined]

I fear that I have developed a bad attitude that I am trying hard to shake because I do genuinely want this to work. 

[Former-Member]

hello @Determined

I was just thinking whilst reading both of your messages...

bad attitude was not came to mind...

more that you are drained....feeling that you have given and given and given...perhaps?

you are over this now? can it just all go away and your marriage return to the time when the two of you enjoyed each others company as well as your own and you had so many plans for the future?

this is carer overdone...I am not going to say burnt out...that is too final...I dont think you are there...

you went out on your boat and wow I take my hat off to you for doing that....plus your thoughts around that action were spot on for your self-care.

I do know...being one of the lived experience persona that I too come across as uncaring...selfish...demanding and many other things...I do not think this about myself...I feel that I always take other's feelings into consideration before mine...

however...I have now realised after many discussions with husband...that when I am struggling...my tone of voice changes...my facial expressions change when I try to get my point across...add to this the feeling that I always feel dismissed ...not listened to...

I am not suggesting this is the case with your wife or yourself..

just trying to give you another perspective ...

what I am trying to say is that when I have to work very hard to express myself let alone explain feelings...the words do not come...there is blankness....something stuck in my chest,,,my throat...many different scenarios...and I can understand how I would be seen by someone else forgetting about the mental illness side in the moment...I would come across as agitated (he thinking with him) anxious (causing him to feel ill at ease)..eyes would express so much and would so easily be misinterpreted..

I have been told so many  times in my life that my eyes are so expressive...my eyebrows my whole expression...in fact someone once said dont play poker laugh..

so out of all of that jumble I hope that you can see something in there that might help you with your  counselling sessions.

I do hope...you deserve this and so does your wife and your lovely children..

so you have the whole forum backing you..

take care

[Determined]

Feeling overwhelmed and down here at the moment. I fear we are on the path to another crash. We had a nice family day out yesterday and I was hoping this may be a sign of things improving but this afternoon have had more talk of not wanting to be here. We are going to a funeral later this week and my darling is wishing it was hers.  

She woke from a sleep and started screaming and smashing stuff and was going to drive off in the car after I told her to settle down but thankfully we were able to talk her out of that. Not sure what I would have done if she had driven off as one of our boundaries is that if she drives off in that frame of mind that I call the police. (For her safety and other road users). That would be a hard call to make 😕... 

Then just now she walks in smiling asking about our next family day out. I cant work it out and finding it harder and harder to cope. Feeling manipulated and over it.

Expecting boys bed time will be a drama as they will argue with me which always causes her to loose it. 

[Determined]

I had a productive councilling session last week and have a follow up this week. Expecting the next one will be challenging for me but hopeful that it will be beneficial. 

The discussion with my councillor coincided with me reading an article on complex trauma and childhood trauma (there is a link on DBT thread on LE side) that I was looking at in relation to my darling and BPD, turns out a lot of the concepts were were uncomfortably accurate for myself also 😔   explains a lot of things. 

[soul]

That sort of behaviour must be so stressful and confusing for the whole family @Determined. Can't imagine what you must be going through. Never knowing what to expect from one day to the next. Sometimes hour by hour or so it seems.

I hope you have self care strategies in place this year in order to survive relatively in tact. What's the situation with study for you? And the boys. Got the school stuff sorted? Sorry if you have mentioned this before. I'm a bit out of touch.

Thinking of you, sending positive vibes and hoping for good times ahead.

[Former-Member]

@Determined ... sending gentle thoughts your way.

[Determined]

@soul thankyou 😊

How are things with you, I trust things are continuing to improve, it is nice seeing you about again. 

Yes the hot and cold is confusing and hard to deal with. I do worry how my study commitments are going to go this semester. I can see I will need to call in a lot of support if I am going to proceed but at the same time I need to do this for my own wellbeing. 

S1 has been accepted and enrolled in special school, I am still struggling with this decision despite it being what is best for him. I was able to discuss my feelings with the principle at the enrollment interview and she was very understanding and sensitive to to my concerns.

Yet to decide what to do with bub, the kindy we want to send him  to he cant go to until may (min age) but we may need to look at alternatives as I dont think darling will cope with him full time. 

Grand parents are out as I have a sibling who will try and take over and I dont have the capacity to deal with that. 

[Determined]

Self care for me is to call on the necessary supports so I can concentrate on my studies. I have increased my study load and would lime to be employable by the middle of this year. I think I am kidding myself but I am going to give it my best go.

Also trying to get the courage to go to the local photography club. They have monthly assignments and competition so I will be inventive for me to get out and use my camera.