Ask Anything Monday!

[Jacques]

Hi their my name is Jacques, i have severe Depression and severe anxiety, i have never lived away from home, and have not spent a night away from my parents in 25 years, i am on meds but can't see a therapist because they mock my illness.

your dauter sounds like she is not coping on her own by the sounds of it, because she wants to come home, her anxiety and depression must be very bad.

your situation can go one of two ways if you push her too hard she will attempt to take her life because she will have no other alternative, the second is you will get her to take help to come home, please be so careful pushing her if she is vulnerable, when someone is suffering severe mental illness they already feel trapped, they are not coping and their mind has shut down to make the body feel safe. 

it is a toug hsituation and ultimatly it is your choice, but love, caring and supportive family will go along way to help her recover some sort of life. 

I hope your daughter does get the help she needs, it will be a long and difficult road, but i have heard some people can recover. 

wishing you all the best, take care and i will be hoping your daughter gets the help she deserves.

Jacques

[Appleblossom]

It is a delicate situation, but I tend to lean on the side of encouraging responsibility rather than caving into the illness, which may allow manipulation and not really be in the best interests of anyone.

It can cause a bit of tension. After walking on egg-shells for 2 i/2 years after his episode I am expecting more household contribution from my son (23).  For a year the expectation had been putting out bins once per week.  That took a lot of patience and reminding but his attitude improved and he could even be cheerful while doing it.  I am upping the ante.  I need to respect him ... otherwise I think my love will turn to pity .. and I would prefer that did not happen. So I am asking for a small contribution every day ... eg., a meal ... up to him .. but something.

I had an issue today. I told my son (23) he needed to do the dishes before he went out. He did not come into town as arranged and I was worried. I return home late ... he had just started the dishes ... could not manage both to do it and go to choir ... thats fine ... but self respect comes from pulling one's weight .. then later ... I made lots of pancakes and we had a great after midnight snack .... BUT HE DID SOMETHING RESPONSIBLE... and with good humour and not sulky like he used to be 2 years ago. Its a win win.

The expectation needs to fair to the actual state of the person you are caring for.

But sorry I am a tough love ... person ... with lots of encouragement ... patience ... humour .. little rewards ... at 32 ... she needs to contribute to her own life ... I am not sure if there are other considerations ... but some conditions on coming home .. seems reasonable to me ...

I have also suffered extreme depression ... but it was from exhaustion from physical work and grief ...

[JennyK]

Thanks jacques very wise words

[JennyK]

Thanks Appleblossom

[1731LC]

Hi. I personally think your saying the right thing here.
With your daughter.
I my self suffer with Depression /Bipolar
& I am in the same mind frame as your daughter.
Though i have started back on my medication.
I know that we are responsible for our selves.
& if we dont try to help our selves.
How can we possibly expect others to help.
I hope your Daughter finds the strength to help her self.
Find the medical support to help her.
I wish you b I th well 🌈
I

[JennyK]

Thankyou,1731LC - the feedback & support is very heartening & I feel less alone as to what/how/when to do or not to do - well wishes for your ongoing recovery

[NikNik]

Happy Monday everyone!

A big thank you to @JennyK @1731LC @Appleblossom @Jacques @Shaz51 for contributing to the discussion.

This week's question:

I find my mother hard to relate to and for this reason, it's hard to spend time with her. She's clearly unwell and she is a very negative person - I find this really hard to deal with, because I'm quite optimistic. I try to be very empathetic, but there's only so much I can give.

She's my mother, so I know I have to make an effort and care for her as she is getting elderly and losing independance. It looks like I will have to spend even more time with her. I feel bad for feeling this way because she is a caring and loving mother.

How do you manage the frustration when you do really care?

[NikNik]

It's a shame this question hasn't received many responses - as I've seen a lot of people in the same boat.

I will leave this question up for another week so this person can get some perspective from other carers.

From what I have seen around the carer forums, it's so important to take care of yourself - we say that so often it's almost lost its meaning. However, I think it's important to reiterate in this circumstance because taking care of yourself can increase your wellbeing and give you more capacity to deal with your mother.

Hopefully some other carers jump in and provide their own examples of how they have managed situations like this.

@Faith-and-Hope , @Shaz51 , @Eagle - I know you're all online at the moment, so I'm picking on you () to see if you have any suggestions for this person whose question is above.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @NikNik

I am presuming my answer will be seen by the person asking the question if I respond to you .... ?

In my case it was my MIL who was negative, and openly passively- aggressively hostile when my hubby wasn't around or close by, but other members of their family were ....

I had to work out how to deal with this without destroying my marriage in the process. My sister has an intellectual disability and everything is dealt with negatively by her ....

The same principles I adopted will likely work for you ....

To begin with, recognise who you are .... I relate to the term "empath" .... if you look it up you will find it describes two things ....

Someone who is highly compassionate, sensitive, caring .... and ... tends to recognise and internalise the emotions of others around them ..., helping to carry them in that respect, but also taking on the weight of other people's issues, perhaps even believing themselves obliged to, as that is an empaths natural response ....

Is this description something you relate to ? If so, you will need to learn to guard your core .... place a filter across your awareness of other people's reactions and decide that their negativity is their own responsibility, not yours - this applies not only to your mother but to anyone in your life.

Next .... recognise where all these negative outputs are being rewarded with attention and begin to adjust your responses .... try to respond neutrally to negative comments and smile and engage eye contact for any neutral through to positive responses from her. Notice and pass a brief acknowledgement for any behaviour or comment that resembles caring. It will take practice. You have been operating without emotional armour and accepting wounds as part and parcel of a relationship with her.

Next .... you will need to learn to role-play ....

Imagine you have been hired as a part-time carer for a difficult client .... one nobody else wants to take on cos she's soooo negative !! 😝 ..... plaster on your best manners but raise a privacy shield of cool politeness .... an get on with things in a matter-of -fact manner .... providing lots of distraction .... and only relax into a bit more warmth when she's being nice. When she's full-on negative .... act coolly distracted and pragmatic .....

It's worked for me for decades now .... hope something here is useful for you ....

🌷 F&H

[Lost1]

I have a fair bit of experiance with this...my husband is schizoeffective and when the bipolar part takes over he can be very negative and it is wearing and hard to deal with. My best plan is to try and get outside - get gardening or walking, whatever, as I find it helps to raise his positivity even if it doesn't seem like it at first and then at the least I get to work my fustrations out and somewhat ignore him at the same time until he starts to come around a bit.