Advice needed, bipolar partner

[Jacob101]

Hi, I would appreciate some advice. My partner of 9 years is bipolar / scitzoaffective disorder. While things have been bad in past we were able to revert to a period of mostly stability. But this year (due to cannabis use) it has been very bad. The last 6 weeks has been unbearable. In a psychosis state he nearly killed me about 4 weeks ago, and last week he took 2k from me ( without me knowing) and bought a ticket on the next international flight. I came home from work and realized he had gone. He is now sick in Europe and while he is with his father his father is saying he can't cope with him and is trying to send him home. I love him very much and want the best for him but after the incident of beating me, combined with the almost compulisive lying over drug use (which I have zero tolerance for) I'm not sure if I can cope anymore. When he is here I now sleep in a locked room, fully clothed and ready to run out of house if need be. He knows the effect cannabis has on him and promises not to do it but does anyway. I'm very patient and forgiving, but now I feel he just plays on my better nature. The problem is that if I give up on him there is no one else left to look out for him as his family are no use and his connection to friends (apart from his drug idiot mates) are all through me. Sorry to dump this, just at wits end. Thx J

[CherryBomb]

Welcome to SANE Forums @Jacob101,

You sound exceptionally understanding and patient. You've been through a lot, so I'm glad that you've come on here to vent.

Though your partner is not well, physical and emotional abuse is never ok. I can hear that on one hand, you're considering setting boundaries with him and distancing yourself from him. However, on the other hand, you are concerned that there is no one else to look out for him. Remember, that there is only so much that you can do in terms of helping him, he also needs to help himself.

What would life be like for you if this continued for another year or so, and he made no changes? This does not necessarily mean leaving your partner and closing the doors on him completely, but perhaps looking at how you can support him, while having boundaries, and keeping yourself safe.You might find Relationships Australia helpful. They provide relationship counselling and their website has some resources that you may find useful. Also, Family Drug Helpline may be able to provide you with support and advice about how to respond to his cannabis use.

You might find this thread interesting, there are few members on there who may be able to provide advice about boundaries @GivingMick @zipper ?

Also @dolphin, I understand that you have an ex with bi-polar who has similar behaviors to Jacob101 - any advice on how to cope?

We also have members with a diagnosis of bi-polar, @Kato, @Uggbootdiva @JT, from a lived experiences perspective, any advice for Jacob101.

[Uggbootdiva]

wow. that is really serious. as @CherryBomb said, I have bipolar, i am married and have two young children. I am trying to think how to put this. At some level somewhere along the journey into madness we are capable of making choices. I am so unclear as to where I end and the illness starts, but there are choices we make along the way.
drugs such as cannabis totally complicate things. You are dealing with someone who is ill but drug affected.
I am so sorry for the pain you are in. I hope you will consider that leaving and being safe is the best thing you can do for both of you. But it's such an easy thing to say and do much harder in reality.

[Uggbootdiva]

I don't mean leave him necessarily just get physically safe.

[GivingMick]

What you have endured sounds overwhelming! I can not recommend to you to go through that physical abuse again. Your partners behaviour is reckless and manipulating. He needs help by professionals. I suggest if he does come back with your help, that you have a plan. To do what you must for your safety's sake. I understand you are troubled by what actions you should take, and I am very concerned for your own welfare.
Hopefully you can convince him to go on another holiday, hospitalisation.
Sorry if I'm not much help. It isn't easy dealing with the ones you love, especially when they don't know what is good for them, and can't help themselves.

[Jacob101]

Thx everyone. Sometimes just to be heard takes the edge off it. I've got a lot to think about while he overseas. I think hospital is really the only option. Thx

[Hobbit]

Hi @Jacob101 

Just wondering how you've been going these last few days?

Remember, if you feel like getting things off your chest, just pop in whenever and drop us all a line.

Hobbit.

[Jacob101]

Thx for that. Things a bit better just organizing his care overseas and organizing alternative accommodation for him when he gets back. Thx for caring J

[Jacob101]

Hi there. So things went a but pear shaped this morning. I've been living out of house (ironically in the accommodation I organised for my partner to move into) and got a 6 am phone call threatening me. His mum also got the call. Realising it was going to be a bad Xmas I called the mental health team who encouraged me to ring police which I did. So I go to my place and 3 cops rock in and after talking to him say they can't do anything. All I wanted was the mental health team to visit ! Now it has severely aggravated situation and he probably back at my place trashing the joint. To make matters worst the mental health team rang me later and said they could visit with a psych. But they said in morning they can't go near aggressive people ! Arrrrrr. I told them maybe that would have worked this morning but after police it will only make matters worst. I know everyone means well but this has back fired. I try to take advice from the professionals.... Sorry just had to vent my frustration. J

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Jacob101 

It's a tricky situation.  I understand that the mental health team will not visit people if they assess the situation as potentially unsafe, which means aggressive or threatening behaviour like your partner's. This is usually the reason police will attend the situation. They can take people to hospital involuntarily for a mental health assessment if they have sufficient grounds to do so.

You did a great job calling his mental health team, and the police. I'm unsure as to why the mental health  team changed their minds in the end. It might be helpful to clarify this with them, and work with them so you know what can be done. Keep in contact with them, and let them know if the situation worsens. Remember they need sufficient grounds (i.e., he needs to be at immediate harm to himself or others) to treat someone involuntarily.

Remember, regardless of illness, aggression and threats are never ok. Please keep yourself safe.