Topic Tuesday // Supporting Your Partner Experiencing BPD // Tues 23 Oct, 7pm AEDT

[EK1]

@ Determined - I understand that only too well but I still feel my family don't understand even after 2 suicide attempts - they all live in the UK and when we last went home last year all I seem to get was " Well he looks fine - what's the problem?" - I just wanted to scream at them all !!!

[Stacey_N]

@Determined  It is very hard. It is a different life we have committed to. 

[Former-Member]

It sounds like it is important to be placing boundaries in certain circumstances too. This can be a big part of being a carer generally, learning to practice setting boundaries. Do you set boundaries with your husband and family and do you find it valuable?

[EK1]

@ Stacey-N - that's good to hear - thank you - I have joined some online support groups but I find they can be very depressing and little in the way of encouragement which is why this forum is so great

[Stacey_N]

Wecome @Jkay

[Stacey_N]

@Former-Member  I definitely set boundaries, particularly around any threat or perceived threat to my safety. Boundaries are important and they are also individual. What one person will accept in their relationship will be entirely different to another. The boundaries need to reflect what is acceptable by each individual. I haven’t sat down with my husband and spoken about boundaries, however they are reflected in my own behaviours towards his actions, for example walking away when necessary, leaving the house when necessary, but generally disengaging when things get too much. When my children were younger I used to set the plans, my husband would come along to swimming lessons, cricket, netball etc, despite often being able to see that he didn’t really want to. I was advised by a health professional at the time to set a boundary where I didn’t make the effort to ‘drag’ him along but instead told him this is what we are doing, he is welcome to come along, but if he didn’t want to we would go along with the plans without him. After taking this advice, of course my husband decided he would stay at home, he became isolated from the family which effected his mental health enormously. We know our situation better than anyone, and despite the best interests and supports from others, professional or otherwise, it is important that the boundaries we set are in line with what is best and safest in each individual circumstance.

Have others set boundaries and how have they worked for you?

[EK1]

@ Lauz - we have tried setting boundaries but sometimes I find it sets my son off into his defensive mode - over time I have become better at talking to him and trying to reach a compromise where we can which gives him input too - doesn't always work mind!

[Stacey_N]

@EK1I often hear that. It's a fine balance finding the most beneficial support.

[EK1]

@ Determined and @ Stacey - N - thank you for your honesty - while it saddens me to hear what are going through it makes me realise that I am not alone and I can totally sympathise with your situations in regards to feelings of hurt or rejection

[Determined]

@Former-Member I only started working on boundaries last year with the help of a councillor after multiple hospital admissions for my darling. In fact at the time I started a discussion on the forums for advice as I felt mean and nasty.

I have found that boundaries work when things are ok but it can reach a point where auto pilot kicks in and we (I)  have to just do what needs to be done and boundaries are meaningless and in some cases actually make things worse.  I do now believe though that if I had better boundaries early in our relationship things could have been better. I think that when firm boundaries (and I see boundaries as loving guidelines to support not rules to be enforced)  are in place for my darling knowing outcomes reduces uncertainty and increases security even when those boundaries are resented. 

Hope that all makes sense. 

Added note... this was our list of boundaries that we discussed and were / are specific to our dynamic.

1. If you (my darling) talk to me disrespectfully I will not engage in the discussion, if you do not settle down I will leave the room. (Verbal abuse is not ok, particularly in front of the children).
2. If you (my darling) engage in any self harm you will need to go to the ED, if you don’t go freely  I will call for an ambulance.
   -Last time we had an ambulance come (MIL called in a panic during a melt down when she was present) the ambulance arrived with 2 police cars for all the neighbour's to see, very embarrassing so no a decision made lightly).
   -(There is now also the option to contact pdoc 7 days a week for admission to private ward if necessary subject to availability of beds).
3. If you drive off in the car during a melt down I wall call the police and report you as a danger to yourself and others. (This is based on past events).
4. When I am at work/ Uni I am not to be contacted, my phone will be diverted to voicemail before I leave home. (Alternate contacts during this time are, Mum, Mum in law, church pastor or lifeline).   This is based on consistently being called with threats of self harm particularly before exams while at uni.