Topic Tuesday // Managing Relationships// Tonight 7pm AEST

[NikNik]

Hi @Former-Member , Welcome 🙂

What a great question!

[Lindsay]

@Appleblossom – I think you’re right on the money. I really like you’re ideas. Boundaries are extremely hard work (and something that I have discovered that we need to constantly work on – even with those that we are close to!)

[chookmojo]

@Lindsay

I would be interested to know if you think you can really be yourself around others without being vulnerable? I feel like I am very congruent and very much myself in my close relationships, yet I don't really "do" vulnerability, and definitely feel like there is an absence of real connection.

I am not sure I want that kind of c.connection, it feels too intimate. Invasive.

[Aonaran]

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@Lindsay wrote:

I wonder why people can still pick on those suffereing a mental illness? This just doesn't make sense to me!

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I think it's because we don't actually live in an Information Age;  we live in an Opinion Age.  And it directly affects MIs of all kinds, in my experience:  everyone has an opinion about what you "need", or how you "should" be treated, and it rarely errs on the side of generosity.  Those who are especially apathic (is that a word?  it should be, opposite of empathic) resent extending any consideration, and behave like children envious of the "special treatment".

I've been diagnosed as a "chronic dysthymic", and even the shrink who pronounced it felt compelled to add "but it's probably just self-indulgence", as if I *wanted* to be this way.  The most recent "friend" I thought I had allowed herself to become increasingly irate and abusive over time because she said it was a mark of "disrespect" to her and lack of genuine friendship that I still remained "mopey" when she was around.  And I discovered I was a frequent subject of hers at dinner parties where I wasn't present (including revealing my name and the like), where I was discussed as if I were a pet with particularly difficult habits.

I think for many people we're curiosities and distinguishing talking-points.  It's almost as if, once we become an MI, we cease to be fleshed-out people in our own right.  In my case, I realised that if I was nothing more to her than a peculiarity she could chat about for cheap laughs with other people, then she really wasn't my friend.

[Mazarita]

@Lindsay Interesting question about how I decide who to trust with what in my life and one I don't have an easy answer for. It's a bit complicated by the fact that I'm fairly socially isolated due to social anxiety. I guess, despite my sometimes being too forthcoming with some people about personal stuff, I have trust issues deep down with many people in general. You also mentioned tensions in relationships with people. I tend to want to avoid conflict a lot or run away from it. This may be old traumas hanging around to haunt me from when even tiny conflicts often escalated into violence between my parents. I've meandered off your original question so I'll stop now.

[Lindsay]

@Former-Member Great questions. Yes you are 100% right. We learn a great deal of what we know about relationships from our early experinces (mostly with our parents). However, that is not to give up all hope if you've had a difficult childhood. There is a lot of research at the moment into how the brain can constantly re-shape itself.

In my experince we learn a great deal from those around us. Basically by our interactions in the enviroment we can learn and develop new ways of interacting. My advice is to try and surround yourself with good people who want the best for you and who can teach you things (I know this is much easier said than done though!)

[Aonaran]

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@Former-Member wrote:

My question is... can you grow up and just... miss out on some essential and vital learning and ingredients for having successful relationships if you werent exposed to them? 

LJ

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Hi @Former-Member,

Great question!  I know in my case I carry a constant ache about it, an ongoing sense of loss ... I always feel like there are bits of me missing.  But I'm keen to hear if others have negotiated it differently.

[Lindsay]

@chookmojo what a powerful (and vulnerable) question! I think it is difficult. I think that true connection comes from sharing a part of yourself (the act of being vulnerable) with another and them sharing something back.
But, I think that it is also important to feel safe in whatever you're doing. If something feels invasive then it is going to be hard to feel safe.
I am interested in what others ideas are? How do you maintain safety while also allowing yourself to be vulnerable?

[Lindsay]

It seems that lots of people are talking about how to maintain boundaries within relationships while also get what you need from them.

It helps me to think of interactions as like a triangle. At the left hand side is how you want to feel about yourself at the end of the interaction. At the right hand side is how you want the other person to feel about you. At the top is what you want to achieve. An ideal realtionship is where all of these sides are in balance.

What do others think about this idea?

[NikNik]

@Mazarita - you seem to have so much insight into how your past experiences impact your current relationships.
In my opinion, just being aware of that is a step forward.