Carers Week Live Chat // What do you wish you knew when you were a new 'carer' // LIVE NOW!

[Kisia]

Its really hard to be a carer beause sometimes we have to be the bigger people, like a parent who has to serve a healthy meal or say no to sweets - even if this upset the child. Self-care is basically the same. Just because they dont understand this now doesnt mean its not right and they will understand it later. 

This comes back to those difficult conversations @NikNik asked me about earlier - if we are more comfortable in having these conversations self-care becomes easier

[Kisia]

Welcome @BPDawarenesAU no need to appoliguse 🙂 we were just talking about self-care and difficult conversations

[Kisia]

Self-care is also a bit about boundaries. Thats been a major thing for me. Ive had to work hard on developing boundaries between my mum and I such as:

- how she talks to me

- what she expects of me

- what she talks to me about

- her behaviour

- when she contacts me/how often/what time of night/ect

But the big thing is I had to teach myself boundaries too... Like I am not just her carer... above that I am her daughter. I think its important that we dont forget that other role and in that other roles there are boundaries - parents support thier kids to leave the nest, partners support thier partner to half an identity and life of their own, etc 

[Janna]

I think that question is linked to the guilt that we feel for doing something for ourselves. I guess there's a flip side to that as well.  Perhaps the individual with the mental health issue is happy that we have given them some space as well!!!  I agree that it would depend on their current state of mind.  I've heard "life for everyone would be so much easier without me" from my son which is actually reflective of the fact that they feel that they are a burden to others, so witnessing or being aware of self-care could ease this feeling that they are too much and too hard to handle.

[NikNik]

@Kisia - something else that comes up a lot in the Forums is 'boundaries' - I think self care ties into this, but how do you go about identifying and creating boundaries for yourself?

[NikNik]

LOL @Kisia - it looks like we had the same train of thought!

[Kisia]

@Janna I totally agree whith all those points. How have you managed the ballance between your self-care and supporting your son?

[Kisia]

@NikNik jinx! 🙂

[Kisia]

Thinking about it I wished I had known at the start that it was ok to have conflicting emotions and to be angry at the person you love and care for. Admitting sometimes I felt such deep anger and hurt I almost hated them sometimes was the hardest part. Now I realised its ok to feel that sometimes, it doesnt mean I dont love my mum, it doesnt mean I always feel that way, it doesnt mean anything except that the illness is has an impact on me too and its ok to admit that

[Janna]

Balance? To be honest I have no idea on how I manage to balance things, but I do.  I've had a fair whack of training in self-care from both my psychologist and counsellors during more difficult times, particularly when I'm the one having the crisis!!!!!  Doing something nice for myself was never natural. I had to force myself to do it.  Over time it's become more natural and routine.  Practice makes perfect I guess.  Not saying that it always works, but I can certainly see that my stress levels have reduced and I am a much better, and far less reactive carer, that I was before.