Ask Anything Monday!

[NikNik]

Ask Anything Monday is here again!

A big Thank You to @kenny66 for responding to the question last week.

This week's question:

Am I the problem? I have a history of mental health problems and so does my partner. 80% of the time we’re a happy loving couple. The other 20% of the time we’re pulling each other down. My partner has depression and with my history, I easily spiral quickly. So when one of us isn’t well, the other starts to spiral. We both get into a bottomless pit and are incapable of looking after ourselves, let alone each other. We don’t want to separate, but we can’t afford to jeopardise our wellbeing like we are! Does anyone else here live with someone else with mental health issues – how do you manage both your own and their mental health?

Any advice for this member?

[kenny66]

That is a really tough situation. Like all of us we have to make a decision that ensures an optimal outcome for our mental health above everything else.

I am schizoaffective and my flat mate is a paranoid schizophrenic. I am relatively high functioning. He is too but he has bouts of all of the typical behavioural problems associated with his MI, as do I.

Like you, whilst we are not a couple, we are very supportive of one another a large proportion of the time.

He checks I take my medication and generally looks out for me. I also try and help him out as much as possible.

But I can go off the rails (me more than he does) and he does also and, as it can be with an MI, can be emotionally and mentally damaging to both of us. We both get exhausted when this happens.

These are the times when our illness puts a real strain on our relationship and wellbeing.

I now spend 3 days in a MH clinc every week. From that I have noticed that the respite from continual exposure to our fluctuating moods and behaviour has had enormous benefit.

I am not sure if it is possible for you, but I believe a regular break from each other, regularly, is a far better option than abandoning a loving and supportive relationship that is positive 80% of the time.

Talking oneself into depression is easy, particularly when with someone in the same frame of mind.

The same coping strategies that apply to managing mood fluctuations and social behaviour for people with a mental illness can be applied to a partnership arrangement as well.

It would be worthwhile to speak to a health professional about learning these.

[Jacques]

Hi @NikNik & @kenny66,

i have delt with this dilemma for so long, i have never had a partner or any sort of relationship, ever since i was old enough to think about girls and relationships i have often found that i am so frightened to find someone because of my MI, i never want to bring another person down with me, and the fact i have nothing to offer in a relationship does not help either.  i have seperation anxiety from my parents so i can't be away from them of a night, so a relationship would never work for me or a potential partner.

i often wondered if i should look for someone with a MI so they understand what i am going through, or if we would bring each other down, so i am looking forward to other peoples experiance with these problems to see if my thoughts are justified.

thankyou for such a great question and @kenny66 i found your answer quit interesting thankyou also.

Take Care

Jacques

[kenny66]

I personally find living with a schizophrenic easier, not because they have an MI but are more tolerant towards unusual behaviour than a person who has no exposure to it.

My flatmate is not effected in the least if I hear voices or hallucinate or whatever because his template of what constitutes acceptable behaviour is different to most non MI people. That can make life easier.

Nevertheless, compatibility is determined on  a whole range of factors of which mental synergy is but one.

However some other MI people  have a distinct understanding of the challenges and are more accepting and empathetic towards people who are MI.

There is probably no definitive answer to the question you pose about living with another MI person as it also depends on a whole range of other factors.

These might include qualities such as personality-temperament etc.

There are plenty of mental health discordant relationships that are successful as there are relationships where both have a mental illness.

It probably relates more to the quality of the people involved than the state of their mental health, whatever that may be.

[Former-Member]

No you're not the problem!
Like Kenny said, if it's happy and functioning 80% of the time, you're on a good thing. You just need to work out the other 20%.
Have you thought about seeing a psychologist to sort out how you can both better manage each other's down times?
Every couple has difficult periods, it's nothing new or unique. Having a mental illness does make things more difficult though.
You need to figure out what it is that is acting on each other to bring the other down. Maybe he's more critical, maybe she's more morose. Whatever it is, there are probably specific behaviors that each other is doing to bring the other down. But the good thing is, there's probably lots you can do about it. If say start keeping a diary of your moods and thoughts and how the relationship is going and if things start going south see a psychologist together to see if you can minimize the impacts you have on each other.
I know for me I have to have systems in place for when I'm not coping. I'm pretty independent and I live alone in a cute little apartment with my cat, but when I'm not well I need extra support. I need to have people around to feel safe, and sometimes even help with day to day tasks. I've got some really supportive friends who are happy to have me stay for a few nights to a few weeks (if I get that ill) till I can pick myself up again.
Perhaps if one of you gets ill maybe some respite with family or friends could help?
I know when I'm not well I don't have enough physical or mental energy to support someone else, so maybe you need to call on others to help provide that support?
My family is a bit touch and miss support wise and when I'm really unwell I don't actually tell them, because I perceive that it places greater stresses on me. However when I'm only a bit ill they can be really supportive.
But I say, see a psychologist and find out exactly what and why you pull each other down and maybe you'll be able to better manage these periods in the future.

[Mazarita]

I'm new to the forums and thought I'd try to join in to this discussion. It's hard to comment on a high-stakes situation like this. But I agree with @kenny66 that abandoning a loving and supportive relationship that is positive 80% of the time seems like a pity. As @Former-Member suggested, time out from the relationship can be helpful at stressful times. There's also the good possibility of working through what specifically gives rise to the bad times and trying to at least lessen the impact of those in some way.

From experience I know that losing relationships is one of the most stressful things that can happen to a person (sometimes worse for mental health than being with a less-than-ideal partner), and then there is the loneliness to contend with after a relationship is over. The answer to the question is highly personal but I too would suggest trying to improve the situation rather than rush into any breakup. I've been in a relationship for over 12 years that could have easily broken up many times along the way. I'm glad now that it didn't as it's only become easier to blend with each other over time and our lives are better overall for being with each other (though no relationship is ever perfect).

p.s. Yes, both of us in our relationship have mental health issues.

[NikNik]

HAPPY MONDAY!

Today's question is about diagnosis:

I've had two appointments with psychologists. The reason I've been to two different people is because I paid for one and then I had the opportunity to see another for free. The first psychologist had thoughts about my diagnosis (I won't go into what) and the other had different thoughts (I didn't tell the second psychologist what the other had said). I feel so confused by their opposing opinions! Which one do I go back to, which one do I believe?!

[kenny66]

Psychologist and psychiatrist for that matter can have differing and sometimes conflicting views in respect to diagnosis. It doesn't mean they are right or wrong.

My diagnosis started off as DID with OCDC and has included BP2 and schizophrenia before schizoaffective was settled upon.

None of these were inaccurate but reflected different views of psychiatrists working within the framework of their clinical experience and precedents they have sighted in their clinical history of diagnosis. It is also the case that mental illness can develop and change over time.

For example, my schizophrenia was diagnosed only after I developed severe mood disorders in conjunction with schizophrenia symptoms to become a schizoaffective diagnosis.

Whether a treating health professional is free or not is irrelevant. This does not determine quality of treatment.

Rather a starting point should be which one you are most comfortable with.

The relationship of trust between a clinician and patient develops over time, sometimes a long time. It has taken me 3 years to be entirely relaxed with my psychiatrist.

It is probably impossible to determine which psychologist you prefer after one meeting and it would be beneficial for you to persist in additional therapy sessions with both or either to make an informed choice.

If cost is an issue I would have a number of sessions with the no cost psychologist to see if you click.

My psychiatrist is opposed to me meeting with another mental health primary treater because of the fact that MI treatment needs continuity and an deep understanding of the patient, which can only be achieved by long term therapy with one provider.

So to your two questions:

1. The 2 opinions may not necessarily be conflicting, but rather the psychologists considered diagnosis based on experience taking into consideration the manual on mental health symptoms and diagnosis and their interpretation of that.

2. Choose the one you are most comfortable with after you have had a chance to think about whether they are an effective and trustworthy partner to work with you in addressing your mental health issues.

Kenny

[Jacques]

Hi @NikNik

I have to say i agree with @kenny66 their is no right or wrong answer. it comes down to several factors, the psyciatrist/psycologist trainning, their values and beliefs, as well as how well the client/patient explains their illness and the charctaristics they display while in the session.

When my father was studying to be a psycologist he had MND (Motor Neuron Disease) and was unable to use his hands and was wheelchair bound, i had to take him to his lectures and write his essays, reading the text books to him and the essays he wrote made me realise it is a very complicated and sometimes unknown illness to understand, and depending on what lecturer one has during their trainning makes a big difference as to how they approach patients care.

As i have only been to two psycologists for 1 30min session 2 years ago i can''t comment from a patient's point of view, but i was treated horribly during the two sessions and this has made me wary of seeking further treatment.

@NikNikthankyou for the great question.

Take Care All

Jacques

[Former-Member]

Hi,

I wouldnt necessarily 'believe' one over the other at this stage, though I know it must sound confusing. I would think more about the way they interacted with you, who you felt more comfortable with etc. Often psychologists use a particular approach to guide their sessions (cbt, comitment and acceptance therapy, narrative, talk, psycho something or other.. there are so many that i've briefly read aboout!!) but i think the methodology that they follow does tend to lead them down different paths of reasoning and understanding people. I think it's more important that what ever therapy you are in it suits you as a unique individual. 

When I was hospitalised in February I had so many different versions of what was happening to me depending on whether it was the hospital dr talking to me, the mental health nurse, the psychiatrist or my psychologist! It was really confusing... I did end up following the psychologists thoughts about what was happening more than the others though because i knew she knew me so much better than any of the others (and that she was helping for the long term, not just wanting to bandaid things to get me out of the hospital faster like the others!).

So i hope that that kind of makes sense.. Try to trust your instinct on who you felt was on the right track for you and who you would be more comfortable with.

Good Luck

LJ