How do I continue - or do I just give up?

[Bloss]

My dear daughter (DD) is now in her late 30's and was diagnosed with BPD when she was 18.  It's been a roller coaster ride ever since and I'm now wondering how I support her without enabling unacceptable and disrespectful behaviour?

She is married to a lovely guy who has severe ADHD and they have two gorgeous little boys.  Their journey has been difficult - they conceived a child in their first year of marriage.  Sadly their baby girl died in-utero.  Medical problems made further conception very difficult - so they did IVF.  In order to afford it I let them live in my house and I live in a granny flat for which they pay the rent.

Everything to do with their moving into the house was done to suit my daughters need for timing the IVF to best advantage.  Five years later it feels like everything is still being done to suit my daughters needs first and foremost.

I work 35 hours a week, I can't afford to retire, I mind the boys one day a week since my daughter has gone back to work, her husband is a shift worker and needs to sleep all day.

Regardless of how much I try to help or what boundaries I set it seems I am always 'in the wrong' and my needs are not important.

I honestly don't know how to deal with this anymore.  It doesn't matter how carefully I select the words I use to communicate with her she's so quick to turn it around and everything becomes about her needs being the priority and I'm in the wrong.

I'm exhausted.

[tyme]

Hey @Bloss ,

I'm hearing you. I have BPD and some of what you described are things I found myself doing not matter how much I didn't want to do it. 

I'm sorry the blame has been placed on you.

When you daughter is well, have you been able to chat to her about how you are feeling? For example, for me, when I'm heightened or triggered, if anyone tries reasoning with me or asking me to look at someone else's perspective, I'd get even more triggered and lash out.

I find that when I'm cool, calm and collected, only then can I actually take something in. 

I was very angry at my sister last week and I said some terribly terribly horrible things. I just kept going and going for her. Only the day after, when I was cool, was I able to really say sorry.

I wonder this is similar for your daughter? It sounds like she needs all the support she can get right now, and so you do - because you deserve it. At no point should you take abuse.

[Bloss]

Thanks for your reply and insight @tyme  Yes, I believe my daughter does much the same - she verbally lashes out at either her husband or me.  Her awareness may come later but seldom results in her taking any responsibility for what she has said.  More recently she tends to take time to build a case around why she is in the right and others are at fault.

Example: I had a day procedure a month or two ago and she picked me up from hospital whilst I was still under the effect of the anaesthestic.  Dear Daughter used the opportunity to lecture me on how I was narcissistic for failing to continue a conversation with her husband via text when he swore at me and told me to get my daughter to sort herself out in an incident a week or so before.  I was expected to apologise.

If I cross my arms I'm told I'm being judgmental when really I'm comforting/defending myself.

My head is constantly spinning and I just don't know what to say anymore.

Tonight I decided to let her sleep on it, maybe talk to her husband and then I will invite her to have a chat tomorrow to prepare for my minding her children the next day.

[Bloss]

Thanks @tyme and @Jasper_123 for your support.  I'm pleased to say that since my original post I have spoken with my daughter and clarified my boundaries, what is acceptable behavior from her towards me and what is not, I've had to stand by my boundaries and show her the consequence of her disrespect.

Our conversations have, since then been more respectful and I'm hoping that this will continue.

[tyme]

That is such amazing news @Bloss ! 

However, be prepared that things may go haywire a little, but once again, have that conversation again at a time when both are relaxed.

You are doing so well. 

I look forward to hearing how things go for you in the future. Please continue to reach out if you have any questions.

[Jasper_123]

Well done @Bloss !!