I have really been struggling with my borderline personality disorder - it’s all internal and I feel like I have no one to talk to.
I find it really embarrassing to talk about because I know that people wouldn’t understand what I’m going through. My BPD normally relates to relationships I have formed and I struggle to control the obsessions I have with people (it’s generally to do with positions of power, either someone who has more power than me like a boss at work, or someone under me that I might mentor). It is very internal, and I do try and restrict my behaviours so it is not obvious or causing an impact on the person, but the fire inside is very real.
I find myself thinking about the other person non-stop, wanting to spend all my time with them and be the centre of their attention. I encourage emotional discussions and secret sharing so the connection becomes stronger, and then I find myself wanting to manipulate the relationship by pushing them away. I can’t sleep because of it. And, with most people there is a sexual undertone - for me, not for them, even though I wish the obsession could lead to that because I want to feel special to that person.
I have a partner of 7 years, and I think that’s what makes all of this worse. I definitely can’t tell her about it because it makes me look like I want to cheat, but deep down I don’t it’s just an emotional reaction that I can’t control. The rest of my family also wouldn’t understand so I just don’t ever talk about it. So when I mention anything about having BPD it makes no sense to anyone because no one sees the behaviours I’m doing or feeling.
I have also in the past been diagnosed as bipolar disorder type 2, which I don’t believe is true because I have never once had an experience of mania. I do have a lot of depressive episodes but have had depression and pnd over the past 14 years. My mood also changes continuousky throughout the day, and does not sustain over longer periods of time. The whole thing just makes me confused because I know that these obsessions I have are related to BPD, but then I wonder if my ability to mainly keep it internal means I do actually have BPD at all? I see that a lot of BPD externalise this and have a lot of aggression. I don’t do this, and have not often identified with the aggressive side of BPD, it’s mainly based on stormy relationships and anxiety with relationships. Perhaps this is because I am at a certain stage of recovery. I don’t know.
I guess I just want to know if this also happens to other people with BPD? Do you experience these obsessions with other people and internalise it? I do act on it, but I think it’s more of a subtle manipulation, or attempt at a manipulation. The whole process fuels and excites me. But I just wonder what it all means.
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