sorry it took so long, i had to ring the chemist back for a script issue. i hope its ok if i break it down, it seems its the only way i can manage it atm. @Sans911
-How do try to be ok in amongst all of this? how do just sit with all the uncomfortable stuff? im trying really hard to just listen to you and your who i want to listen to but my mind is going off and telling me not to listen to you and that i shouldnt be here anymore, that i dont deserve the good life and i would make things better for everyone if i wasnt here.
-I found out that people have gone behind my back and im loosing clients and not others have a bad opinion of me with the horses now. the one thing that i still had ok faith in my capabilities and now thats gone too.
-One of my dreams are sitting right in front of me in the hands of the person who took it away in the first place. its like this taunting game that i cant help but have hopes for but i know that its probably unlikely.
-on monday ive got my surgical team consult to go over everything that needs to be discussed and im shite scared. i know the surgury will go ahead and its better than consant infection and pain but its not stopping that fear from creeping in.
- My emotions are really all over the place. the tears seem to be flooding everywhere even over the small things. it doesnt matter how small everything just seems to be right over the top in my mind and i just cant fight it, i can feel it all sinking lower and lower inside. Everything feels really really messy inside and just so awful.
- It doesnt seem to matter what i do it jsut doesnt seem good enough. i keep making people angry at me and i dont even know why, it just seems to be my presence. i tried to organise some home care so that i know pop will be ok throughout that week and i tried to talk to him but it just ended up in an argument. it doesnt sit well with me not having those supports in place and i cant rely on family. its been proven over and over again and honestly it doesnt bother me having a stranger come in and help. it really sounds horrible but at least they cant hold it against me either.
- the psych sessions- im questioning them. i feel like imwasting their time becasue most of the time i dont even know what to say to them or feel i cant say. she wants to work on trauma and thinks itll help me move forward but even that last session was really hard and triggerring and fought back tears. i cant walk trough a shopping centre like that.
- my studies- i still havent done that assignment. i cant get it out i still jumble everything up. i dont know why its so hard. im worried im going to fail it and then itll be another thing ive failed at. A part of me is asking those questions of why am i even bothering to do it and those sorts of questions but im trying not to listen to that and keep on the better side of things as i know there are my reasons for studying too even with all those self doubts
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