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Historylover
Senior Contributor

What to do?

Hello everyone. I'm feeling very alone and low at the moment. I submitted my second assignment today and that had been keeping me going. I could lose myself in it and forget the mess of my life. I can start on my next assignment – but that will only keep me going for another 6 weeks. What do I do then? Another course? That would be fine if I had friends and other activities, but I don't. And I know how it will turn out if I try that avenue again. It simply never works out and is only a short-term option. It seems I can only maintain myself in life if I'm in complete isolation. I'm so very sad and broken.

 

What is wrong with me? I don't know what I'm doing wrong! I'm the best person I can be, but have never fitted in in my life. Only if I am the underdog of the group – and those days are gone. I just want to be liked as everyone else is, but I seem to wear an invisible sign which reads "She's not one of us". And I can't counter it no matter how hard I try. I've even wondered how I could change the sign – perhaps the one on the back could read "but neither am I - so let's make her welcome too!".

 

I started taking anti-depressants several days ago and if you know me and my attitude to medication – you'll understand that I am feeling very low. I can't just weather it this time. I know I'm on borrowed time and it's really hard to keep going. Another forumite opened a conversation on suicide in recent days and I didn't want to get into the subject at that time. I wanted to say "me too!"

 

Hell! Life is such a trial when you have no-one and no-one you can trust. There are organizations for everything and everyone, it seems, but nothing which fits me. 

 

I feel that life is squeezing me out. It makes me fully aware of how our elders must feel. Everyone watching and waiting. I always thought that must feel dreadful knowing everyone is waiting for you to die. Now I know it is.

 

I don't know what to do. I really don't want to die. I still have so much living to do. I thought I had a lot to offer. I'm sure I do. 

 

Why can't I get out of this mess? Why do some of us get such a raw deal? 

21 REPLIES 21
Clawde
Senior Contributor

Re: What to do?

Hi @Historylover  just love you for you, just be kind to you your amazing truly beautiful dear sole my life is enriched by your feed talking on these platforms I Thankyou so much for honesty and realism from the bottom of my heart and I am sure so many of us do , life wasn't meant to be easy apparently but but you show us the the way that everting is always ok and I truly Thankyou for that love from your @Clawde 😍

Re: What to do?

Hey @Historylover . I very much believe that there is nothing wrong with you at all. I think sometimes it can just take a bit of time to find 'our people'. We also live in a society where difference is often the subject of ridicule. It took me a long time to embrace my inner weirdo, and find people who liked me for it. It hurts to be isolated. 

 

Sometimes I really do wish we could have a big IRL meetup for all of our lovely forums members! Alas, the digital sphere will have to do. I hope you know that I see you, and I hear you, and you are valued Heart

 

Re: What to do?

Love you all my formites friends keep the conversation flowing I need to talk to my friends please Re: Good Morning! 

Dimity
Senior Contributor

Re: What to do?

Hello @Historylover I'd been wondering how you were and how your renovations were progressing and I wish I'd reached out to you. Feeling helpless hopeless friendless and alone is so hard and I've found no answers either. Stoicism and resistance perhaps. Doing your course and its assessments is quite an achievement - well done... I don't think I could manage it. Is there any prospect of enrolling in a longer term course? 

I've valued our interactions and I wish I could do more than just send my good wishes and sincere hopes that the burden lightens for you. Poetry resonates for me sometimes. Gerard Manly Hopkins wrote "Justus quidem tu es Domine" and "No worst, there is none,"  which pretty much distil the feelings you describe, at least as I experience them. 

Love and light to you @Historylover . I hope tomorrow is a little brighter. 

Dimity

Re: What to do?

Thanks @Clawde. It's just so damned unfair that so many of us here are suffering so much and for many of us, here is where we get the most understanding, the most of what our spirits need.

 

I'm truly finished. I can't keep going when there is nothing to keep me going. And no-one. In reality – there have been so many lies told about me. I was naive enough to believe that, in time, the truth would out. I was mistaken. The lies have become part of my family's, and others', understanding of who I am. They've built their lives around them. The lies are how others have evaded condemnation for who they are, what they have done. I'm not the person they say I am. I didn't realize people could be so wicked. How naive am I? This whole situation has been built on deception, lies and betrayal. And I'm the one paying the price for it. 

 

I have my good hours and my bad hours. The good feel normal, but then reality sets in and things are so distressing, I feel like this can't be happening. At least I have had some good hours to get me through.

 

I don't know what to do. This mess can't be fixed. 

 

Re: What to do?

Hey @Jynx. Yes, I have long wished we could have a meet up in real life. We could all meet at each others' place, bring a plate, and have a great time. It would be wonderful to meet everyone and make a habit of it. 

 

I've been looking for my people all my life. I can't even find them in my family. My brothers are like aliens, and my daughters are too. That's the problem. I tried to guide my family onto a better path, but they prefer a different life to me. I'd be prepared to 'bend', but not break. I'd meet them half-way, but that's the best I could do. I've done my best for everybody thinking it would all work out in the end. It hasn't, and it seems it won't. I must have been dreaming. 

 

 

Re: What to do?

So nice to hear from you @Dimity. It's unfortunate that the only time we all get to talk with each other is when we are feeling low. But that's life, I guess. At other times we  are all immersed in our own lives.

 

As for my course, I didn't get the mark I was hoping for in my first assignment – and that really hurt. Really hurt. I was pleased with it but knew I was out of practice. I am getting into my rhythm now and will wait to see how my current assignment goes. I am prepared to be disappointed this time, but hoping not to be. It has been about 6 weeks of research and doing the same thing over and over, counting words over and over. I got a serious case of information overload such that I haven't kept up with a lot of the (rather optional) things we are supposed to be doing. My brain just couldn't take in any more information. It was doing my head in. I am a really avid student and apply myself to the nth degree. We are supposed to do about 20 hours of study per week, but I have done probably about thirty, at least. I just can't get enough of academia. 

 

I have never done tertiary education and the change up is so rewarding. So challenging, and so 'extending to my understanding of my ability' – I can't think of an appropriate word. I would very much like to do more  – and more –  courses, but I have to have some people in my life to make my life rounded. Family would be the icing on the cake! I hope tomorrow is a little brighter too, Dimity. Thanks for writing.

chibam
Senior Contributor

Re: What to do?

Hi @Historylover ,Smiley Happy

 

I'm sorry to hear about your currant trials. As usual, I'm afraid I can offer no advice, as most of them are difficulties that I myself have spent a lifetime trying (unsuccessfully) to overcome.Smiley Sad

 

I'm very aware of your feelings towards medication, so the gravity of you now turning to antidepressants is not lost on me. I hope you find them helpful.

 

I'm sorry, but I just don't know what else to say.

 

Your right, though, a lot of us just do get a raw deal, and that isn't fair. Society is just so broken. It'd be wonderful if it reoriented it's priorities so that it's #1 goal was just to get us all home; to be with our real people.

Re: What to do?

P.S. @Dimity, my renovations have been at a Covid19/20/21 standstill for, maybe, 6 weeks. The kitchen is functional but still has to be painted. The bi-fold door in the corner keeps coming off its hinge, as it was even before the handymen installing it had left. The sink and drainer work the wrong way around and it only has a drain section on one side, which is awkward. The stove is in the middle instead of on the end. That breaks up the only 'long' section of bench space I had in this tiny kitchen. The power points balance the presentation, but are in the wrong place and awkward to work with. The carpet has yet to be installed. and the rest of the unit painted.

 

I am going to put some things on the wall which I am looking forward to doing immensely. I haven't done so before as I was worried about marking the walls,but there are so many things for putting pictures on walls now which don't leave marks. I unpacked everything and put it back where it had been before I packed for the refurbishment,  as I got tired of working around it, so it will have to be packed up again when the handyman returns.

 

And the new floor in the shower is like a skating rink when wet, and worse when soap and shampoo are added to the mix.

 

But the kitchen looks good - and for men, that's the main thing. Good talk, @Dimity. I feel like I've been exorcized!

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