Lived Experience Forum

[MistyDawn]

Hello!  I'm old - an almost 52 year old woman who has suffered with BPD for over 25 years.  I fit the profile perfectly.  Like an Alcoholic will always be an Alcoholic, I think a Self Harmer will always be a Self Harmer.  It's learning to control why it's done and considering other options.

At the moment, things are finally going well for me.  I've gone back to the job of my dreams and am managing it quite well, after spending years not being able to work.  I have met the man who empowers me and loves me for me, and can see through the Mental Illness.  I'm still here, despite numerous attempts to not be.  My Psychiatrist did mention that if you can manage to stay alive till your mid 40's, you'll get better, and I've been blessed with that situation.

I still struggle, everyday - some being worse than others.  My husband and I are in a tough situation - he can't get work where we're living, a small rural town and his father is a long, long way away and terminal with Cancer.  We need to move, and while the profession I'm in allows for easy access to jobs, my husband's is more specialised.  So we're looking at moving, but we need to move to a place where my husband can get work.  I have this great job lined up and we were all set, when suddenly an interview came up for him in a different place to where my head had settled for us to move.  Now everything is full of uncertainty - where are we moving to, do we rent or buy, will we have enough money to move, are we close enough to his Dad, will I get a job that I want etc.

I should add that since my partner has not had work, his mental health has seriously gone downhill, with feelings of lack of self esteem/worth, being a failure and so on.  This is hard, as at the moment we are living away from our families and therefore supports - only being able to rely on each other.  I guess in a way, we're limiting our sharing of true feelings, worried that we'll upset the other.

How do I stay in control in such an environment of uncertainty?  I hate change and the unknown, relying on routine and the expected to remain calm.  My physical self has been impacted, with a tight chest, stomach pains and just an ache in my body.  I'm so overwhelmed with worry and fear, trying to keep it all together is so hard.  At least I have the knowledge that in a couple of weeks I will have answers, but it's getting through those couple of weeks.

Any advice/support would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks for reading through!

[Historylover]

No advice from me, @MistyDawn, but although it may all seem too hard at the moment, you seem to have a decent amount of good things to consider among the not so good. Keep plodding on, and let the pieces come together as seems best after due consideration. There's nothing else I can add, but perhaps others may be more capable of a better response. 

P.S. 52 isn't old, although it may seem so when looking for a job these days, but don't let that be your gauge of how old you feel! Cheers and take care.

[Judi9877]

Hello @MistyDawn and welcome to the forums👋! I’m a Community Guide here who also has BPD like you along with depression and schizophrenia. I’m 44 and have struggled with BPD for nearly 20 years with several of those years being undiagnosed.

I struggle with uncertainty and I like knowing what I’m doing and when I’m doing it. I don’t really know how to be of assistance to you except to wish you all the best and hope things turn out well. I’d like to believe there is some good in going through uncertainty as I recently had a period where I struggled with boredom issues which led to me having a self harm episode which I’m pleased to say I recovered from. Self harm is an issue for me when things get too hard for me to handle or deal with but I’ve got a great psychologist with whom I’m working on strategies with, including using my craft hobbies to my advantage. Is there something you can do to help with this uncertainty, like write down your concerns or maybe talk to a friend or mental health worker about your issues? I personally think you are doing a great job being employed and helping your partner with his employment so well done!

I’m sorry I can’t be of more assistance to you except to wish you all the best with what you are going through.

Take care!

Judi9877☺️💐

[wellwellwellnez]

 I'm also on a bit of a post-mid-life recovery thing. I like how "in the game" you are. That's all where it's at. It's good for all of us to keep blossoming no matter who you are anyway. That's how time refines fine wines. Keep up with that mastery of good memory making. That's my general advice.

[greenpea]

@MistyDawn  hunny you are not old.  I am 57 and count myself as late middle aged and am fine with that.  Be kind to yourself.  Try loving yourself as the wonderful person that you are. Welcome to the forums. Love greenpea

[hanami]

Hi @MistyDawn !

I'm glad you found us here and can see you've already had some wonderful support. I wanted to reach out and say I'm also 52 and some days I feel so old. I know 52 is not old but when you're struggling mentally it can take it's toll and really wear you down. One of my symptoms when I'm not in a good place is insomnia and lack of sleep as you get older is much harder to deal with than it was when I was 30!

Anyway, I totally relate to the uncertainty really weighing down on you. I find it helpful to concentrate on the things in my life I can control when things around me are so uncertain. I really struggled during the lockdowns, feeling totally overwhelmed by lack of control all around us. 

Reach out whenever you need to ❤️

hanami 💮