Lived Experience Forum

[EternalFlower]

Thanks @maddison @tonys @Paperdaisy 

Thank you thank you 💖😊

It is funny we don't realise we use these short cuts. 

I have just seen my DR. I came late as it was meant to be at four but he said he was easy with time when I arrived and gave me ten minutes to chill. Juggling. I was only a little bit late but missed my bus because I went to the pharmacy to buy discount cosmetics I'll never use. Eek.

I feel invisible much of the time, on the outside and not a participant in life. I saw a psw today...that is an extra one! Peer Support Worker.

I feel a bit icky after seeing the dr but I am ok. We talked about my young years in school.

[tonys]

Hello @EternalFlower   I  coulnt log in yesterday,   thankyou for staying in touch.    Trust me , you are not invisible.  I have seen the little boat and the endless rain on your face.   Mine is washed up . . .  somewhere..  but rain flows of bare skin like mercury,   A little voice inside always sings to us,  the pain is worth bearing because good hearts will find a good heart,  and we will.  prevail.          Never feel  alone .    never quit.       Tonys moon base 1

[EternalFlower]

This day was a heavy one and a bad one and the si thoughts are back. This sense of being a small child with no one to protect me.

I put on lipstick 💄 but I still feel unpretty , and not like me 

I hate living in the aftermath of trauma, U begin to feel U shouldn't be here , that it's all a mistake. I have lost everything and am stranded.

My dr told me I will feel better and told me we don't hear the success stories, just the most dark stories. In my last hopsital stay I felt like I didn't see people who really recover. I also feel obsessed with making the right choices for my recovery , so much so that it is paralysing 

If I choose the wrong things ...heaven forbid ...I'll end up dead I'll end up lost I won't make it I'll end up homeless

[tonys]

Oh NO mate @EternalFlower  was just about to pinch the candle and I saw this. Its always in the midst of night that the worst thoughts come visit us.   No ones around and we are vulnerable.   Well  looks like we,  share a raft again tonight mate till the wise old coast guard light, find us in the fog.   Life,  the system,  thoughtless,  or emotionally baron people have a way of stripping away our beauty,  by complacency or deliberate action,   but they cant deny us the undeniable.    You are  beautiful and no one can strip that from you.   You have the rare quality of vulnerable heart.  Unhardened,  That will always be a thing of beauty.  I said to you once ,  a good heart will attract,  other good hearts,  and these hearts unite and always prevail in the end.

We  just have to hang on.

I kind of like your doctor , I think he has a good heart.   tired,  over worked but,  good.

The success stories you look for in the hospital,  they are not there, because they have   gone home,  still works in progress, they come and go,  but progress and the time to find the right plan for you,   well it just takes time.

making decisions when you are vulnerable,  I do that sometimes,  fall ,  try again.    You have to find the one right caring person to watch your decision ,  making prosses carefully.  I don't know where to start but I bet some one here does.

You wrote this letter and a few others.    Writing helps the street ghosts flee  from my  soul

I could taste that lipstick , pain, fear and cry for help in your words.   When it hits you in the night.   Dip you nib into your soul,  deeper and deeper ,   write till sleep overtakes you if you have to.  let the page share the burden of your pain and we will share the pages.     We will share and love and honour your beauty.

You sleep while the wavelets play on the hull and I will row all night and keep a watch.

Oh   LOOK   Dolphins. . . .     tonys    moon base one       

[EternalFlower]

Thank you @tonys 

For writing so kindly 

I am so focussed at times on the outside , and forget that hearts and souls matter.

I like the way you write and your way of speaking straight to the heart of matters and being supportive. 

[tonys]

@EternalFlower  hello mate,  Its all  o k. . .   No one expects people to think or talk while they are swimming away from a sinking ship,   To reply while you are doing it so rough.   All I can say is you really do have a beautiful and thoughtful heart. . .  A true marine. . .  We know you have to focus your mind 100%  on making it through the storms,   Talk only when you need, or want to. . .  Sailors souls have a special connection. We  feel your hurt my friend. 

An  albatross on your bow means a beach is not far now.    You just try to sleep again.   Tomorrows tide will be star fish,  shells, and warm sand on bare feet

Tonys   moonbase one

[EternalFlower]

I do not know why I am still alive. I feel so heavy and challenged 

My darkness is eternal.

Saw Dr today and he gave me good luck for this week with two thumbs up and seems to care and try but I am tossed around by these waves and I do not feel safe in the moment. I constantly need comforting. I am an open wound.

I don't  feel worthy 

[tonys]

hello @EternalFlower   Just came in and saw your letter.  It  creased my face to hear your days are still so grey.  So little do I know of mainstream life, that my words maybe as useless as shooting stars to the blind.  But I put pen to paper regardless, so that you will know that I care.  We care..   I hope its ok that I tagged a couple of wiser folk than me, in the hope that you may benefit from different eyes upon this. Many are the lights that light the way.  @Appleblossom  wrote to @Dimity ,  happiness is as fleeting as the shimmer of light from the toss of a coin.

and  I love it.   Its the evidence,  however elusive that, in all that darkness,  light is to be found.   

Our coins spin.   A series of moving pictures makes up the movie of life. The shimmer   from our constantly spinning coins,  as bright as the light we and others,  cast upon them.

Each day,  a new game of two up,  We find the courage and spirit to welcome life's game of chance,   and search for those with the best understanding of the the rules of the game.

The search has its own rewards.

No   one person is the keeper of the lighthouse.    Your light,  will come and it will burn eternal.

Please stay the course    @EternalFlower ..       tonys moon base one

[EternalFlower]

Ups and downs are normal.

We just need to stay on coarse.

Thabks for checking on me and being a good person @tonys @Appleblossom 

[Appleblossom]

@EternalFlower 

I really really do not think you are at all coarse.  Hope you can smile at the typo or predicta txt.

When we find those good directions, yep ... keep going that way.

Good to see you. Thanks for the tag

Hugs