Lived Experience Forum

[Historylover]

Hello folks.  Just thought I'd follow up re my recent post to let you know how life is progressing - not so much for me, but for those who may pay attention to how others' lives are going, to see if there may be an idea for them to adapt for their own recovery.

What can I say?  Life hurts!  Worse than hurts.

You probably won't be surprised to know that I still e-mail my ex-psychiatrist telling him where I am at.  For my own well-being, I talk to him as the person I naively understood him to have been.  I have no choice.  He is the only person in the world who understands me and the only person in the world I have to talk to.  Even if it was always his intent to ultimately destroy me for his own purpose.  I still can't make sense of him - that's the problem.  How can anyone - let alone a psychiatrist entrusted with another's life - do this to a person who trusted them implicitly.  What sort of person could do such a thing?  

I don't know which is worse - having, literally, no-one in the world - or having 'loved ones' you don't get along with.  Probably you folks with loved ones, regardless of the nature of the relationships, are streets ahead.  How does it feel to have family?  Relationships are hell - and hell to understand.  

As you know I am engaging in some courses.  I was fully aware that one doesn't tell others one's deepest secrets - as they are just fodder for simple minds to gossip about, and ensure everyone in the environment knows about and uses to their advantage. Trust others at our peril.

I made such a mistake and am now waiting for the fallout.  It has started already.  It always happens.  So the question is - why?  Some talking about others is inevitable - but how is it that everyone thinks they are able to be so judgemental?  Do they not realize that things about them which I could judge them by I mostly keep to myself and simply disregard.  Isn't that the honourable thing to do? 

Or are we all so unsure of ourselves that the opportunity to get the better of another, or gain favour from others by betraying confidentiality - is an opportunity too good to pass up? 

So should we all engage in insincerity, gossip - be judgemental?  Always on the lookout for the 'mote in another's eye while ignoring the beam in our own'? 

My advice to having a hope to have any sort of relationship is, if you want something to remain a secret, keep it to yourself.  It shouldn't be so - but it seems to be the only way.  Trustworthy, respectful, sincere people are so rare - and that shouldn't be so either.

I hope everyone is plodding on and doing alright.  

Best wishes,

History Lover

[Appleblossom]

Hi @Historylover 

I dont have the best track record in relationships for a lot of the reasons you describe. I am mostly diplomatic and cannot believe the level judgment and gossip that abounds.

Take Care Apple

[Ricardorider]

Hi History lover

My sisa dn I dont get along right now. Our Dad died a year and half ago our mum is in vare with advnaced dementia. Mates are at work and i'm not so picking up the phone for achat during the day is a bridge to far.

mys ister is going thru a DV case, has to devote so much time that we hardly talk. I can text or email but a reply can take days at times. her reply is disembodied and as muich as I would like a chat her replies are closed. esp after waiting days for  areply

I have a psychologist he is good but he too is subject to the ill health Colds /. Flu like th rest of us and as genrous as he is talking to me once a week cos he says I need to If i miss a week boy do I miss it

I do find Life;line good to answer the need to talk or vacuum my conscience to. Some operatros are very good and give me feedback or at least answer. Some are perhaps in it for the wrong reasons. one kind soul said if you arent connecting with a Lifeline bod then hang up and call again. Never a truer word said i have found

I was on here a few yer back and found some piece of mind. Well am back again. I have to let out some feelings I need support as you do a we all do

So far i havent been let down on here with lots of good peeps willing to listen

i hope you do too

[chibam]

Hi @Historylover 

Sorry to hear about your recent woes.

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@Historylover wrote:

You probably won't be surprised to know that I still e-mail my ex-psychiatrist telling him where I am at.  For my own well-being, I talk to him as the person I naively understood him to have been.  I have no choice.  He is the only person in the world who understands me and the only person in the world I have to talk to. 

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I think it makes a lot of sense that you still reach out to your positive perception of your therapist.

I sort of do something similar. I still sometimes "talk to" someone who was very special to me, who drifted out of my life. By which I really mean, I talk to myself in an empty room and imagine I'm talking to her. I don't get answers, of course, but I guess it just rekindles the flame of memory of what it's like to not be alone.

Would it be more helpful to you to simply write letters to your (idealized) therapist in a journal, rather then really writing to him? I'm just thinking that it may help you to separate the positive feelings about him from the negative, if you can say what you want to say, but aren't sort of tormenting yourself by linking those expressions to your unhappy dynamic with him?

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@Historylover wrote:

Even if it was always his intent to ultimately destroy me for his own purpose.  I still can't make sense of him - that's the problem.  How can anyone - let alone a psychiatrist entrusted with another's life - do this to a person who trusted them implicitly.  What sort of person could do such a thing?  

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We've talked about our therapists so much together, I can't rmemeber if I've ever shared this with you before. (apologies, if this is me repeating myself ) But apparently there's an overabundance of sociopaths in the mental health industry. Their attracted to the job of therapist, apparently, because sociopaths love to manipulate people for their own amusement. Being a trustworthy therapist who has vulnerable clients basically throwing themselves at you makes the whole dance like shooting fish in a barrel for them.

I heard that little tidbit a few years after my own therapist finally let me go and thought to myself: "Man! Does that explain a lot!"

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@Historylover wrote:

I don't know which is worse - having, literally, no-one in the world - or having 'loved ones' you don't get along with.  Probably you folks with loved ones, regardless of the nature of the relationships, are streets ahead.  How does it feel to have family?  Relationships are hell - and hell to understand.

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I've had various supposedly-close-though-actually-toxic relationships dwindle away and, to be honest, I don't miss a single one of them. The couple of wonderful-yet-unsustainable relationships... their another story.

But generally, the simple presumption that "having people around is better then not having people around" is, IME, complete rubbish. The worst form of loneliness is when you are hopelessly surrounded by your enemies, with no one who is on your side. The "sitting in a pitiful empty room all by yourself" form of loneliness is child's play by comparison.

But, as you go on to describe in the remainder of your post, dealing with people is complicated. Personally, I've never cracked to code to it. In recent years, I've come to suspect that nothing's to be gained from doing it in a willy-nilly fashion. I mean, you distort yourself into an unrecognizable presentation just to keep the peace, and then you only get the most meaningless/unsubstantial interactions back in return for all your effort... what's the point?

I've just grown so tired and bitter with the game myself. Play-acting a role I don't understand enough to deliver a satisfying performance of - then incurring everybody's displeasure and snarky barbs when I can't play the role to their liking... it just feels like there's no point. And then, whenever you fail to show up to put on the show, they condemn you for that as well!

I grew up with a lot of christianity. And "treat others how you would want to be treated yourself" is a philosophy I heard an awful lot when I was growing up.

It sounds really wise, doesn't it? But once you grow up, you discover the massive problem with it: "What do you do when you are dealing with someone who wants to be treated very differantly to how you want to be treated? What do you do when your surrounded by people like that?"

Circling back to the subject matter of your post, my point is that I think it's more a failing of the system then yourself when you get into a predicament being a little too honest about yourself. We should be able to be ourselves in public! That's what engaging with the community ought to be! Us being ourselves freely, and enjoying the company of dozens of others 'ourselves'! Other kin who don't judge us, because they relate to us with a common mindset, and appreciate us for that same reason.

Because when society is such a senseless mish-mosh that the only way it's citizens can access human contact is by hiding and falsifying themselves to the extent that they aren't really 'them' anymore... what's the point?

Sorry. As usual, I have no meaningful solutions to offer. I just hope things are looking up for you soon.

[Historylover]

Nice to hear from you @chibam.  You're quite right about keeping a journal instead of e-mailing him.  I tried it, as it seemed such a better alternative and I would be able to compare my progress and thoughts as I try to understand how I made such a misjudgement about his 'character'.  As it is, I am effectively keeping my greatest foe informed of the progress of my demise.  He must be revelling in it - and in my confusion about understanding who he really is, and what his motives were.  I am becoming numbed to seeing the dozens of posts I have made to him over this past year or so.  Such a weapon to 'prove' my difficult nature, my status as a 'difficult case', my nuisance value.  He made me cut all ties - ALL ties - I am completely alone and don't fit in anywhere else.  He made me completely dependent on him.  I am afraid to make decisions without e-mailing him as that is how he 'trained' me.  How masterful he was. 

Re the journal - I'll try it again and try to stick with it.  I doubt I will.  He is well aware of the path I'm on.  It's hard - impossible - to move on when someone does such a thing to us, but when they are our ONLY contact, it's impossible.  

I always thought that it was in my best interest to allow him to be reasonably quiet in our sessions and let me do most of the talking.  I hadn't at first.  I was very reluctant to talk much but he encouraged me to open up.  Perhaps it would have been more self-preservationary if I had retained that reserve as it now seems that I have become disinhibited - so much more than I would like.  People can be so disarming and one soon forgets to be on one's guard.  He must have picked and chose how he would help me in this or that area - to keep my trust - while ignoring or aiding those areas where I could come to harm.  I just can't believe what he has done.  And by his lack of talking I now realize that enabled him to keep his true self well-covered.  I drew my perceptions of his character by what I saw, and I only realized that recently.  I built up an entire perception on so little information.  We do that when we try to understand others, and do so automatically even when information is scarce.

Yes, we have spoken about the personality types which are attracted to the 'helping professions'.  And when we go to them in a desperate and vulnerable state, we have all assumed that doctors, for example, are there to help.  Or we assume that their nature - to help others when they are in need - is the same as ours.  Yes the sociopath aspect is evident when the scales fall from our eyes.

Yes, the 'talking to' our therapist - or a loved one - as we rekindle, for me anyway, memories of better times is something I do too.  And it does alleviate the aloneness. My reality is too difficult to not need respite.  My memories of what I thought was our relationship were wonderful memories.  If only they were real.

He really wanted to destroy me - slowly, when I least expected it, and when it would hurt the most.  I wonder what HIS family history is to have made him such a monster.  All he has to say is that I was difficult to treat and that he did his best - and because he is a psychiatrist, he will automatically be believed.

I've cracked the social code.  I've seen it played out time and time again.  I just haven't been able to outplay the opposition as I just keep thinking of them as potential friends.  I don't want to misrepresent myself either.  I will try to protect myself a little better though.  Another round?  Another same old-same old.

What WILL we do?  It seems we are individuals trying to outplay an established team each time.

[chibam]

I hear you, @Historylover . I don't have any answers, I'm afraid. But I hear you.