Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

I find it kind of amazing that she would tell you that she used to hook up with a certain guy. Maybe that's normal, and relationships should be places where you're open to discuss previous relationships, but I don't... huh? That's like turning up to a date and saying "so I had sex with this guy the other night, and..." I have never been in a relationship before, so as I said, it could be normal, but it just sounds weird.

I certainly don't understand why she tried to assure you that they can now be friendly, rather than asking you how you feel about it. How is she so confident that they can still be friendly, and why is she so adamant in continuing a relationship (in the broad sense of the word) with him, friendly or otherwise?

Either way, I would definitely communicate with her about it. If you feel uncomfortable with them speaking to each other, then say so. Don't expect her to act any differently, but if she's concerned about how you're going to feel about it, then maybe she will act differently. Communication is everything. 

[saltandpepper]

@youngy131 Has she ever given you reason to be jealous? Has there been times in your relationship where the trust has been broken?

I don't know, but perhaps seeing it as a good thing for her... Maybe now she'll have some closure on whatever happened there.

I disagree that talking to your partner about past relationships/hook ups is bad. If anything, I think it shows trust in a relationship. If there was something sinister going on there she'd hide it, she wouldn't confide in you about it.

It's never pleasant when we have to face the reality that our partners have a past, and hey, I used to be a very jealous person too. One day though, I realised being jealous wasn't helping anyone. I hated being so stressed about it all the time and I told myself that I can't control what my partner is going to do or say. All I can do is place my trust in them, and if we love each other there's no reason to be jealous. I changed my perspective on it--to be honest I'm not really sure how. I just didn't want to keep feeling like crap and getting myself worked up over nothing so I decided to just, trust. Having said that, my partner of 10 years just left me, so... Take my advice with a grain of salt.

[youngy131]

Thank you. That’s very helpful

[youngy131]

Thank you for your feedback

[BraveOne]

@youngy131  Good on You for owning it, jealously can be so ugly and lead to doubts and feeling insecure about yourself and your partner when stewed upon . It does though make alot of sense its reared its head considering she did meet up with someone she had hooked up with in the past.....and then decided to spend time with them.

Its great she can openly tell you however what was her intention in telling You? Was it with an intention of being transparent or was it with an intention to see your reaction/ provoke jealousy? These are questions that come to my mind as I wonder about the context in why she told You......was it a couple of days after a small argument? Was it a one off encounter and if so can she consider your feelings around this situation?...... Also did she happen to tell the Ex she was actually now in a relationship with You? Thats what Id find important to me. Of course Your response is your own to what she did and its clear youre pleased she was able to clear the air with the other bloke.

I find trusting my gut instincts in situations around relationship partner / friends etc to be the most connected way forward....Does my partner have similar values to Me ? If not can they respect mine?

I had an Ex whose close friend  for years was this other single woman and it was only  when  I finally met her that she realised he was now in a relationship ( with Me)  and that he was prepared to own it too.. . However she was constantly manipulating him emotionally ... in crisis .... alot. In time his lack of consideration around how I felt about the situation ( his constant testing me out on my "jealousy issues"  and makign me wrong for feeling the way I did)  and lack of action to place healthier boundaries around his friend broke me. The situation helped me reclarify my values and how I want to be treated in relationship and it became clear it definitely was not with him!