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nowwhat
Casual Contributor

No direction after being a carer

Hi there

I am new to the forum

I was a carer for both my parents. My mother died nearly 10 years ago and I was guilt ridden that i could not of helped her more. My father is now in a home because i couldnt look after him as i knew i had to get my life back. I have incredible grief and anxiety that my health is now turning on me. I really thought this was my time, but now i have to worry about my health issues.

The biggest problem is I have no direction on what i am supposed to do.

Anyone else feel like this?

7 REPLIES 7

Re: No direction after being a carer

Hello and welcome @nowwhat 

I will tag a couple of members here for you @Mrsjones , @EOR 

My dad passed away  14 years ago  and I am carer for my mum 

I think getting back bit by bit,  a step at a time 

Re: No direction after being a carer

Hello @nowwhat and welcome to our forum. It's a friendly space with great advice. 

 

I have recently had a similar 'now what' feeling. I lost my husband 1 year ago due to mental illness and prior to his death my life was shaped around him. My days were full of worry and care about him being ok and safe, on top of my career and children. Now 1 year on my shift has given me a different perspective of myself... I think is because my capacity has increased or decreased from the grief but also no more worry about his safety. 

 

That lost feeling is common. I feel it everyday and I think there is loneliness chucked in there too. My advice is find those things that make you feel like you (that is within your current heath situation). 

I have taken a stronger focus on my career and progression as that makes me feel like me... its all mine... no one else's. No kids to lean on me just all me. 

Think about what makes you you and tap into that. 

Does that make sense? 

Smiley Happy 

Re: No direction after being a carer

Hi @nowwhat - welcome to the forums. There's many here who have been or are carers. I cared for my parents 8-9months 2018  (mum dying Ca and dad with end stage vascular dementia+ having to transition into permanent inpatient aged care). Oh I felt so lost in the house alone without someone to care for... even after just those  few months.
I'm thinking it is similar to losing a job, made redundant or forced into early retirement... It's different of cause, to being a carer,  a live-in carer is 24/7 and muchly a labour of love, not pay,  where we don't get to go home, or have weekends off, to reconnect with that  sense of 'self' - separate to caring..  and how else to function. We have find that again. 

I googled 'how to cope with retirement' and there's much overlaps in experiences of refinding ourself and/or purpose again.
The first site listed these tips:
1. Be prepared for mixed emotions.
2. Structure your day
3. Set new small goals
4. Grow Your Friendships, avoid too much isolation
5. Consider an “Encore” Job
6. Create a New Budget
7. Schedule a Volunteer Shift
8. Give Yourself time and Flexibility to Figure It Out
https://www.verywellmind.com/tips-for-adjusting-to-retirement-4173709

Let me know what you think?
🌸💜🌸💜🌸💜🌸💜🌸

Re: No direction after being a carer

Hi EOR
Thank you for the advise, I will look at this link for sure

Re: No direction after being a carer

Hi MrsJones

A lot of what you said made sense. I now have to deal with the emotional stress that it has brought me and probably had a major role in the medical issues I now experience. I tend to believe the saying.....you don't know what a person is experiencing till you walk in their shoes.

I feel like i am starting from the bottom and working my way up again after 10 years and being at the lower end of 50's, it is hard. But I am not a quitter, I just need direction.

Re: No direction after being a carer

Hi Shaz51

It was hard being a carer to a family member....emotionally and physically. But, time is what we need

Re: No direction after being a carer

Hi there

We lost our beloved Dad a year and half ago to prostate cancer

Our mum is in care with advanced dementia. Feeling lost is a big part of what am going thru right now

i was in recruitment and am now unemployed, irony in there. Am still looking for it though. Are you ta;king to a grief counsellor yet? There are some good one going arund depending on which city you live in. Perhaps try asking around on here for a recommendation close to you.

Re the jobs well its not easy out there i know i was in recruitment for 11yrs i saw what am going thru and its not easy.  Jobs out there are few n far between Despite what frydenberg is saying there just arent the numbers of jobs out there. The ones that are are hotly contested the numbers of jobseekers isnt 7 or 12 its more like in the hundreds

Your new found grief counsellor should be able to purt you in touch with a vocational counsellor Whoi can help with career direction in what efer foields you want to go into. You might not want to go back into whewre you were. job saisfaction is  hard to find and a new direction  might help. 

I know I havent helped you directly am sorry am batling my own demons but a Grief Counsellor is a good start. Ask around on here Check with your local church. They offer counselling but they dont go full bore on the religion sid of things if you sont want to and they often dont charge like wounded bulls. Al the best

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