Lived Experience Forum

[Chloe5635]

Hi, im not in a great place and have made multiple attempts at gaining support, truly hoping this is going to be beneficial because I don't know where else to turn anymore. 

A guess a little background is needed, I'm going through a really rough time, don't even know if I'm going to make any sense. 

I'm a young mum of 4 (two biological and 2 "step" although I truly hate using that term, I have been in their lives for 7 years) I raise and treat all my children the same. They are 7, 8, 9 and 10 and it hasn't been an easy road. All of my children have different special needs and my life has been dedicated to helping, supporting and advacating for them.  Before 5 months ago we had 50/50 care of my "step" kids and full-time care of my biological. 5 months ago we took on full time care due to safety concerns and since then my life has turned upside down in many, many ways. I had a very good relationship with their mother up until about 4 months ago. Only a very short time before taking on full-time care I lost my grandmother to a very short battle with cancer, I truly struggled and didn't even get a proper chance to grieve. About a month later I began struggling immensly and shut off from alot of people, I was trying to better myself and get through my struggles. Due to this my "step" children's mother began being very nasty and cut all contact with me, since then my life has became hell and I'm now at the point of not knowing what to do or where to turn, my relationship with my fiance is on the rocks and I don't know how to cope. We are now finding ourselves in the middle of what could be a very messy custody battle and I just don't know if I can handle it all anymore. I have suffered from severe depression and anxiety since early teens and was diagnosed with BPD and bipolar traits (but not yet diagnosed with bipolar) a few years ago after a hospital admission.

This is only a very short snippet, I don't really know yet what else to say or know what I may get from SANE but I truly hope for some positives. I am struggling and know I need to reach out. 

[Zoe7]

You ave done a very brave and courageous thing in reaching out here and I hope that you will find it as a supportive a place as so many of us do.  It sounds very messy and very difficult for you @Chloe5635 The loss of a close family member alongside all the issues with custody would certainly be enough on their own but together can be both physically and emotionally draining. Grief alone can take you into dark places let alone having longer term mental health issues to deal with also. Do you have any supports in place? Do you have a regular GP and/or see a psychologist/psychiatrist/counsellor? The more support you can have around you at the moment sounds like a good idea.

[Chloe5635]

Hi Zoe7, thank you. Not a huge amount of support to be honest, have an amazing friend that is always there but I feel that it's too much to put on her telling her how bad I've really been. My partner just doesn't understand, I'm feeling pretty alone at the moment to be honest. Opening up isn't easy for me.

[Zoe7]

Absolutely no pressure here @Chloe5635 Say/write as little or as much as you can manage. Just like any new experience, it can take time to find your feet here too but it is a very warm and welcoming community and it is great you have found us.

Have you spoken to your GP about how you are feeling? They can do a Mental Health Care Plan and refer you to someone that can help you work through all this. I fully understand it may be hard to do that when it is hard to open up - I too had difficulties with that years ago so I wrote it all down and gave to my GP. I then was referred to a psychologist and she was given the same letter so I did not have to repeat anything. I barely spoke for the first few months but knowing I had that support helped ...as did the amazing support from so many here. Is that something you think you could do as well?

[26aqua]

Hi @Chloe5635 

I have found this forum to be a saviour, so many members have helped with insights, advice and even just understanding. Sometimes all we need is a little understanding and compassion.

I can tell you are going through difficult times, I too have experienced loss, 3 people I was close too, including one of my grandmothers followed by another huge loss only a couple of months later. (This happened some years ago for me)

Grief itself is a difficult emotion to deal with and topped with BPD, bipolar traits and family matters! 💜💙💜

Please check out  Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script you'll find an amazing and supportive bunch here. @BPDSurvivor @Judi9877 

@Zoe7 would attest to DBT therapy.

I also find, keeping a mood log/diary and journalling to be beneficial.

I feel your struggle with accessing support, its hard but talking to your gp and making a MHC plan is a first step.

Explain any worries/concerns you may have re the support you're looking for, need. My local community mental health team have been helpful too.

I hope you find the support you need here at SANE, I was a little sceptical about the kind of support it would be, I'm truly grateful to have found so many supportive members who are helping along my journey.

💜💙💜

[Chloe5635]

Wow. Thank you everyone. I don't know anyone else with severe mental health issues so have never really had anyone who could support me by actually understanding. I have regualar contact with my GP, but unfortunately that usually is just for my medication scripts and regular blood tests. Unfortunately I just don't think he is helping properly. I have had a few referrals sent through recently to the mental health team, although, at nobody's fault but mine I have severe anxiety when the private calls come through and I have been ignoring the calls and then unable to bring myself to call back. I know this is my own fault. I think I've reached an incredibly dark place in my journey and I am completely stuck as to how to bring myself out of it. It's affecting my whole family and that in itself makes me feel 100 x worse. I desperately want to be happy, I desperately want to be the mother I used to be and I feel like I'm failing at it all.

Thank you all for your support, I truly, truly appreciate it. 

[26aqua]

@Chloe5635 I understand not wanting to answer private numbers, I often screen my incoming calls. 

I think for me, I found it more difficult to explain how I was feeling over the phone, I felt I needed face to face contact so the person I was speaking to could also see what I was going through, which has been extremely difficult give the corona virus epidemic we're surrounded by. 

I found the referral process to be draining, my referrals weren't being picked up, going unanswered and I had to do some of my own leg work to be heard "help me".

I ended up finding another gp, who has an interest in mental health, the practice I found also have psychologist's and other specialists - this proved to be beneficial, I was listened to, heard and understood. 

Don't be afraid to advocate for yourself, you already recognise you're struggling and need support, my previous gp sent the referrals off and there was no follow up, be sure to express if you need follow up re your referrals. 

The waiting game is hard and from what I've read, especially so for people dealing with BPD. I find i need answers and a plan. 

Add to that our current overloaded mental health system and we can unfortunately get lost in the process -  I found the following site helped me find practitioners in my local area:

https://www.healthshare.com.au/directory/find-a-health-professional/

I got to a point I felt unsafe, whatever that feels like for you, be sure to reach out. I went to emergency dept, and there was connected to the community mental health team - i was in a state, I felt I needed attention.  They helped me with a plan. I  found it easier to talk to my gp after that as well. And am really looking forward to seeing my psychologist again!

I also had a few things I had to do, people to call re appts or such, for my daughters and myself, I found I had to schedule this time in. I set aside an hour or so where I could make those calls, I wrote down questions, wrote a heading for each thing that was on my list. Ticked off when it was completed. But I had to schedule this prior. If I woke up thinking this is what I'm going to do, once something ticked me off, I couldn't get anything finished. 

A couple of times I have called the SANE line and lifeline or my community MH line. They have been helpful, sometimes just for unloading. 

Anytime you want to unload and need someone to listen, I'm happy for you to tag me,  @26aqua , I'm still very new on the journey to recovery, and can only give you my support. You are not alone through this journey 💜💙💜

Warmest wishes xo

[jem80]

@Chloe5635 

Welcome to the forums and for opening up about your struggles and challenges.

I echo @26aqua @Zoe7 with the links and getting a mental health plan and finding a gp and mental health professionals that can support you.

I can only imagine what you have been going through with the needs of the kids and also not been able to grieve.

Has your fiancé received any Carer support services so they can ask questions and get a better understanding? Carers tend to become overwhelmed themselves if they have no supports.

Do the children have any support services that they can access in your Area that helps educate them about mental health and support them in their own needs? To take help ease the stress you are going through.

It's understandable that you may wish to not answer private numbers. Can your medical professionals maybe text you or email you instead so that way you can identify who is contacting you? Perhaps if medical professionals knew that you were feeling uncomfortable when receiving unidentifiable phone calls may assist them in communicating with you.

If you need to contact lifeline on 131114 or beyond blue 1300224636 please do so as they are enormous help in providing support.

sending you hugs and support.

[Zoe7]

Hi @Chloe5635 You can also contact SANE - phone, email or chat for additional support, advice and referrals here - SANE Support  I have found them by far the best for me when I have needed that additional support in the past. I always used chat as it was what I was most comfortable with - could often not find actual words in a phone call so online based was a great alternative.