Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Deej]

Hi Everyone.

My wife and I have been together since 2005, and married 8 years ago today and we have a 6 year old son.

Recently, my wife told me that she cannot tell me that she loves me anymore. I started seeking help and we were seeing a Padre as a couple. I thought that things were getting better and that (while not a bed of roses) there was hope. She had told me she loved me, we were intimate and she would hold my hand, cuddle etc.

Last week, she told me that she wants a trial seperation and lef the house for a few days. During this discussion she told me alot of what had lead to this point. I am not perfect, I know that and I have handled some things poorly. Others, I thought that I was doing the right thing, supporting her and trying to take some of the stress off of her. It seems I am so very wrong.

While she has agreed to formal couples councelling, I fear she has already made her decision to divorce.

I am a wreck. My love for her is as strong as the day I married her, this would be so much easier if it wasnt. 
We both work within the same organisation, our friends all know each other, and I cannot talk to them as I could never handle it if something I said tarnished their opinion of her - the same goes for my family.

Next year - I will be working along side her current collegues and fear that they already hate me.

Currently, we are still under the same roof but in seperate rooms - but I have been blindsided twice recently and I am consistantly waiting for the next blow.

I dont know what to do, I feel lost, scared and I dont know what is left for me. If I can take the love of such a beautiful person and turn it against me, what is to say the same will not happen to my son? I have no doubt there are many suitors and my wife would not be single long - I fear that a new person in her life will also replace me in his. 

Let me be 100% clear, I am not suicidal, but how do people survive this? I dont know if I can.

[cloudcore]

Hi @Deej ,

Welcome to the forums 

I'm so sorry to hear of the stress, grief and pain you're experiencing, I can hear the love you have for your wife and the fear around losing her. Those feelings of helplessness are completely understandable, it's overwhelming thinking about the changes that may come. 

You mentioned attending formal counselling with your wife, however I am wondering if you have counselling arranged just for yourself? When I was managing grief and heartbreak it was so important that I had a space to speak openly and ask those questions you've posted here. Our relationships are important, but so is our wellbeing.

Here with you,

cloudcore 

[Deej]

Morning.

Thank you for reaching out.

I have been seeing a psychologist on a fortnightly basis, however have not been able to see them for the past month due to availability and now the COVID outbreak here.

In addition to that, I also have some services available via work - but these are limited in availability.

[Carlo]

Very tough situation.  But we cannot create love where it is no longer.

I'm in the same situation, although I have been married for many more years.  Time doesn't necessarily create a better environment for love!

Does your wife have a plan or new arrangement in mind?  Have you discussed how she sees the arrangements working in the near term or medium term?
Perhaps if you discuss tangible arrangements, it will help you come to terms with the new reality.

[Appleblossom]

 @Deej 

Sad, but important to develop your sense of fatherhood without crushing yourself for fear of being wrong.

I wonder if unrealistic Hollywood ideas of love have tarnished relationships for many people.

Romantic notions of love are very far from what most people experience after a decade of parenting, it may not be something wrong with you at all.  it may be her immaturity and expectation. I believe in deeper meanings of love ...

Dont internalise it as all you, as the truth is nobody is perfect, not your wife or even your son. Young people seem to over use the word perfect and rob it of its meaning. I am not in favour of easy divorce, or blame the man, although after 16 years I did leave my marriage.  I also left my husband in the house and made my own way.  

[Jo-anneJoy]

@Deej 

Is there a men's group you can connect with online?  I note that you are expressing fears that mutual colleagues and friends will think the worst of you and you have fast-forwarded and placed your wife in a new relationship, in which your connection to your son has been disrupted.  Keep the catastrophizing dialed back and deal with what is in front of you, day by day.

Love is not enough for the long-haul, especially when you have a child, who is in the first years of primary school.  Is there respect?  Is there empathy?  How about shared values and are you on the same page with moving forward in the future in a different relationship?  There are relationship counsellors who can guide you to revision your relationship and being together apart (divorced/not divorced) is a model that doesn't need to be full of animosity or marked by smear compaigns.  Emotional maturity is key; only you and your wife matter.  You can't control how family will think or say "blood is thicker than water" tends to be the old rule.

Marriage and domestic co-habitation is over-rated and the picture-perfect messages we get from the movies really sets some folks up for huge disillusionment.

If your wife has left the marital bed and has initiated a separation, you do need to get legal advice of your own and take charge of your own situation and safeguard an equitable transition.  Do keep in mind that your son will pick up on the vibes so keep lines of appropriate communication open with the child, so he doesn't blame himself or believe that if he was more perfect, mum and dad would be happy and stay together.

Don't rule yourself out of being regarded as attractive to another female.  Look both ways.

[AussieRecharger]

@Deej 

What was it about you that she fell in love within the first place?  Are they the same needs she still has?  Are you still the same person she fell in love with or has being an adult been prioritised?  

The best advice I can give you is to prioritise listening and learning how to indicate to your wife that you are listening. 

What do you need in your wife, and why did you fall in love with her?

[Shaz51]

hello @Deej 

checking in to see how you are going 

hope you are going ok