Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Futurefears]

Hi everyone,

I have gotten into a new relationship with a really wonderful person.

The first three months of our relationship were the best times I'd ever had with another person, he is really special to me and I hope to have a long term relationship with him.

The past month however, has been very difficult.

He very suddenly had what has been diagnosed as manic episode with psychotic features at the start of October and was very recently hospitalized.

He is responding well to the medication and the support of the mental health ward team.

Although his recovery is already looking optimistic, I can't help but feel anxious.

The professionals who have observed him believe he has BPD and bipolar 1 and/or maybe even schizophrenia. 

The representation of people with these conditions is so grim, with constant mentioning of risks of poverty, unemployment, isolation, suicide, substance abuse, and homelessness.

I know that every person experiences these conditions differently and there's a multitude of factors which determines a person's outcomes.

However, I can't help but worry if we stay together I'll have to eventually give up my life and career to become his full time carer and we'll live a life of poverty, stress, isolation and resentment.

I realise I am probably catastrophising (I struggle with severe anxiety myself) but I would really appreciate some reassurance that contradicts the very clinical and dire representations of people who live with psychosis, bipolar 1 or schizophrenia.

Thank you all for letting me vent.

My friends and family don't have any understanding of these conditions so I don't feel comfortable talking to them about it as I feel they would only fuel my fears.

[SJT63]

@Futurefears 

Hi and welcome. I'm sure many will disagree. I wouldn't have taken the same advice when the EXACT same thing happened to me nearly 4 years ago.

WALK AWAY NOW  BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

The first three months were heaven, then came the first episode of our relationship. Naively I thought it wouldn't happen all that often and that the things that had definitely triggered it were one offs.

I thought that he deserved to be loved and cared for as much as anyone without a mental illness so I put my money where my mouth was and I stayed - against all advice and against my better judgement I stayed.

It turns out that he is  very easily triggered by a LOT of things - being on the spectrum as well there are minute details that I don't even notice that will trigger him. He cannot or will not let go of anything.

Now he, his young adult children and his very elderly parents are all so dependant on me that I have no choice but to stay even though it is exausting, sometimes frightening, often humiliating and I will never have any independence or stability in my life ever again.

Not all days are bad. Some times we'll get several days in a row where he is good and I do love him, but if I'd seen a video of what my life would become I would have left after those first few months. If I'd known how often and how severe his episodes were going to be I would never have started.

I know it's not true, but he often behaves as if he wants drama and unpleasantness, and I now can't go anywhere or do anything because it always ends so badly. The only place we go is to visit his own family and it still goes bad, but at least they don't judge me. I have no social life.

 a life of poverty, stress, isolation and resentment.... yeah, kinda sorta, we met when my own self esteem was pretty low, and if I'd been on top of my game I probably never would have gone out with him in the first place. Not poverty yet because I'm still working, although at my age I probably wouldn't have had to keep a full time job if I were still on my own.

Stress and Isolation definitely, resentment - not every day. Some days he brings joy and fulfillment into my life. Some days I feel like I can't face another moment. 

If you already struggle with anxiety then a relationship with this man will take that to a whole new level. 

Good luck with whatever you decide, and my ear is always here for venting if you need me.

S x

[Former-Member]

Hi @Futurefears ,

Welcome to the forums community! I'm glad you've reached out 💐

You're right, there's not a lot of positive representation out there of people living with particular mental health diagnoses, so it can be hard to imagine a positive future in light of that. It doesn't mean that recovery and an overall valuable quality of life isn't possible though- that's why I love coming across people who do openly share how they live overall positive lives with diagnoses like schizophrenia (e.g. Sandy, Simon Champ).

I think that ultimately everyone's different, and no particular outcome or future could be predicted with any certainty; it is ultimately unknown.

I'm glad to hear that you've only had positive experiences with this releationship before this became a concern  To have hoped for a long-term relationship with him suggests that it's a valuable one.

One thing to potentially consider might be your partner's attitude and values towards recovery- e.g. how does he view his mental health; what does he want for his life; what does recovery mean for him? His thoughts on this could be reassuring to you? 😊

All the best 🌻

[Futurefears]

Hi S,

Thank you so much for your very honest and raw response with your experiences.

I'm so sorry to hear of your struggle and self-sacrifice, I hope the people you support show you appreciation and care when they can.

I also hope you can find the courage to put yourself first one day, but I recognise that it must be so difficult bearing the weight of your partner, his children, and his parents on your shoulders. 

I'm sure as it was for you back then, but the fact that this is also his first episode is exactly what makes this so tricky - I have no idea what to expect afterwards as we are currently in the thick of it.

He may recover brilliantly, he may have a few episodes here and there, or this may be a constant on-going struggle. 

I also can relate a lot to the poor self-esteem.

I struggle with this due to a history of emotionally abusive familial and intimate relationships, therefore it can be hard for me to make good judgements about relationships, knowing when to set boundaries, and knowing when to walk away.

Reading your response has made me reflect upon what would be the deal-breaker.

I think if our relationship began to negatively impact my friendships I would have to call it quits.

Unfortunately, I am not close with my family and therefore really value and rely upon the friendships that I have.

I really need to be able to socialise and connect with others above anything to have a good quality of life for myself.

He is a brilliant person and we are so compatible when he is well, but the past month has been so confusing for me. 

I really hope that he can recover and we can pick up where we left off, but it's all so uncertain right now which is what is giving me anxiety.

Thanks for being open to listening, I really appreciate it x

[Futurefears]

Hi Girasole,

Thank you for the warm welcome!

And thank you for sharing the profiles of Sandy and Simon, they sound like incredible adovcates and I will have to look further into their work 🙂

Yes, prior to the episode we had a very happy and healthy relationship, I value it a lot which is what makes this situation so difficult.

I am hopeful things will be happy and healthy again between us if he recovers, but I am also fearful that I might hold on to that hope at the cost of my own wellbeing if he doesn't recover.

You raise a really good point about taking his attitudes towards recovery into consideration.

At this stage he recognises he is unwell and is committed to make some serious lifestyle changes to become well again.

Recovery for him means starting to take medication, abstaining from alcohol and marijuana, and finding a new job path (he previously worked around alcohol).

My last relationship was with an emotionally abusive person who was addicted to a substance and they always promised to quit/reduce/seek help for their addiction but they never did and they treated me terribly every time they were high.

I guess a part of me is anxious that my current partner is just saying they will give up alcohol, take medication, and seek support without meaning it to make me stay.

But I recognise I am probably looking at this through the lens of the trauma inflicted by my ex rather than making conclusions based on things my current partner has actually said or done.

Ultimately, you're right - nothing can be predicted.

I guess all I can do is learn to set boundaries and take action when these are crossed.

Thank you so much for your reassurance and good reflective points, I really appreciate it!

[Anastasia]

Hello @Futurefears 

Welcome.

You do have some decisions to make, ones that I don't envy you with making at all. 

I think in any new relationship there comes a point, a fork, that we ask ourselves do we continue or move on...at least I have always.

As a parent and carer I hope that one day my son will have recovered enough to manage his symptoms and find someone that will support and love him enough to stand by him through thick and thin, and vice versa.

My greatest fear is for me to leave this Earth before that happens.

💝

[Futurefears]

Hi Corny,

I think you have mistaken some of my details for that of the other poster.

To clarify, my partner and I are in our 20s.

We also don't have a lot of money, he lives with his family and I live independently in a rental. 

However, he does often stay over at my place.

I also do not care for him, but another patient in the hospital told him to try and get on the DSP and make me his carer... I talked him out of that idea as he is unlikely to qualify for the DSP and I don't want to be his carer. 

Although that suggestion probably came about because he is not able to think as critically at the moment and is not wanting to work right now whilst he recovers, it did spook me a bit.

That's where the carer anxiety for me comes in, but you do make a good point that if he did push this and want me to serve him that it would be an issue with him as a person.

I agree with the change aspect too.

If he does not take active steps to change to stay well such as avoiding substance abuse, people will fall away from him, including me. 

Hopefully as he is young, change is possible.

I am know I am catastrophising because of a traumatic experience with my ex-partner who had substance abuse issues and refused to address them or acknowledge them.

But I realise I am looking at this through a lens of trauma, not necessarily reality.

Doing my own research to try and think about this realistically made me more anxious due to all the grim information about people living with conditions such as psychosis, bipolar, BPD or schizophrenia (drs aren't 100% sure which one it is, but these are diagnoses being suggested at this stage).

This is why I came here to talk it out and seek reassurance.

Thank you for taking the time to give me such an honest response.

[Corny]

Oh I apologise @Futurefears (there's lots of Fffffffs in your names isn't there, they make you dizzy if your lips get stuck together and Fffffffff just keeps on going. Breathe from your centre).

......you're just a baby, your life is just starting, you're too young for this.........sorry but now is not the time for a relationship. Do it gently and considerately but now is not the time to be with this man, you need to end the relationship so he can focus on recovery and he also needs to prove that he is capable of having some element of independence & to build his strength and confidence.You also need to be able to determine the difference between MI and his innate personality and compatibility with you. 

You can't build an expectation in him that you will always be there to pick up the pieces. What if down the track you realise that you are not compatible in other ways, and the relationship has come to its natural end.....if he relapses and you aren't there like you were last time, it could be disastrous. 

I can't imagine being that unwell and wanting a girlfriend. If the cubs in my life were that sick and they had a love interest, I would have to swoop in and be the mean aunt, "I'd say look we're really sorry, but they are really unwell, we, as a family have lived this for generations. He has to create his own supports outside of all relationships, because people die/get sick themselves or leave due to a natural relationship breakdown, sorry to be morbid, but they need to create infrastructure to fall back on in case of the unexpected, maybe somewhere down the track it will work out, but its a case of bad timing". Maybe some people will think this a bit harsh but I have a PhD in MI from The University of Life @Futurefears .......maybe its bad timing, maybe its a personality clash. Only time will tell. 

Another thing which could just be me FF..... but if anyone dares put on a morning tea for the 'likes of me & my illness' at their work - the relationship is over. 

Good luck, slow it way way down. Why the rush, its not worth rushing into things, Corny. 

[SJT63]

@Corny 

 you have choices and you can't blame other people for your choices.

I do not. I was pointing out that after several years one becomes so entangled in a situation that leaving is much much harder than if severing ties after a few short months.

they will fall away very very fast and you will all be friendless. 

I have learnt not to discuss my home life with anyone so that they do not suffer compassion fatigue. Here is where I'm supposed to be safe to talk about my life.

If you want to give it a go, don't cohabit. You're both probably cashed up boomers why live together when you could save the relationship by having some independence. 

I don't know why you are always so critical and nasty to me - this is not the first time... obviously there is something about me and my situation that resonates for you. I'm sorry if I resemble or put you in mind of someone who has hurt you.

Cashed up? Making assumptions about my financial status.. and implying that being comfortably off is some sort of sin?

No, I work full time and will have to for at least another ten years to reach the point where my pitiful amount of superannuation becomes enough to pay off what is left of my mortgage so I don't find myself homeless once I'm thrown on the scrapheap.

My marriage of 26 years broke down when our youngest started high school and I did the next 10 years on my own with all the expenses that come with two teenagers. My children are now 30 ish and live overseas.

My second partner died. I had invested some of my own money (and 3 years of my time) into helping him build a house for "us" to retire to and he upped and died. His children sold our house. We hadn't lived together, like you suggest, so I had no status. I had to drive myself to his funeral and sit up the back while their mother sat in the front pew (Divorced 20 years previous) and they sold our house.

The current Mr moved in with me at the start of the first lockdown in March 2020 to make it easier to be in lockdown. He never left. In May of 2020 something happend at his townhouse which now makes it impossible for him to ever return. It wasn't a bad something in my opinion, but to him it has been devastating and fills him with rage whenever he's reminded. His pdocs advise that he shouldn't go back there. Mr hasn't worked since 2008 - the year of his divorce - 10 years before I met him.

No I'm not a cashed up boomer with a Audi and a beach house, I live paycheque to paycheque just like hundreds of thousands of other middle-class Aussies. If I'm not very careful, or if an unforseen disaster happens (like illness or injury), I could so easily join the statistics of homeless women over 60. I worry about my financial future constantly.

[Paperdaisy]

Hi Everyone,

It sounds like there’s a lot going on here for all of you and I agree this should be a safe and nonjudgmental place for everyone to share. It’s important to remember when we are communicating with each other to remember our community guidelines  and to be respectful. @SJT63  @Corny I hope this will not discourage you from posting and we can all feel supported here on the forums. 🙏 💝

@Futurefears Everyone’s experience is unique and there are lots of great stories of recovery. It’s really great you have mentioned your partner is on board with treatment and support as often the first step is the hardest and it looks like your partner has taken that first step.

When entering into a new relationship sometimes it’s hard to break away from old patterns and let go of previous trauma. FF, wondering do you have any professional support in place that you can talk to?

Paperdaisy💝