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Historylover
Senior Contributor

May I speak of unpleasant things?

Hello everyone. I need to know if I am able to talk about suicidality here, among friends I have come to know, and, if so, to be assured I cannot be traced. I really need to talk. 

27 REPLIES 27

Re: May I speak of unpleasant things?

I’ll listen @Historylover 

Re: May I speak of unpleasant things?

Thank you @Eve7. Those who know me know that my ex-psychiatrist promised that we would meet socially, isolated me from the world and I waited 20 years for him to honour his promise – then he threw me under the bus. He did more injury to me than just that – that was only one trauma he put me through at that time. I was rendered suicidal. Those who also know me will know that he and I have a telepathic connection. I'm sure many will think I am 'hearing voices'. Nothing of the sort. At that time he telepathized to me that, no matter how hard it gets, just keep going. I asked was that so that he could prolong my agony. Every time I think suicide he messages me with a stern 'Don't', and the idea goes. That he has complete control over me is a given. No-one but psychiatrists, I expect, would acknowledge that truth. One even stated it with glee in his eye.

I am suicidal daily and as he has left me unable to relate to people any more, and I have no family, I am completely alone with this. Please don't tell me to keep trying, it won't work and will just prolong my agony. Please don't tell me to try another therapist. Once I tell them my story they change sides and not to mine. And he just keeps me going. 

I need to know that I will not be traced by Sane, Lifeline or Police before continuing. I won't proof read but will wait for confirmation that I will not be traced.

Re: May I speak of unpleasant things?

I am sorry you have been treated this way @Historylover and that you continue to be controlled by this person. It must be very difficult for you Feeling you have no choice with your life.

 

Yesterday my si was very high so I went to the hairdresser instead. It didn’t “fix” me but for a moment in time I was safe.

 

Thinking of you 💙

Re: May I speak of unpleasant things?

Hi @Historylover,

 

I am so sorry to hear what you have been through with your psychiatrist. When we are let down by the services and supports that are meant to be caring for us, it can leave a big impact. I'm hearing that the pain this psychiatrist caused has been ongoing for you, and I am so sorry to hear that. You are deserving of support in a trusting space. 

 

You've asked a great question about talking about suicide, and I am hearing that you would like more information about SANE before proceeding. I really value that you set that boundary and sought more information. I am happy to provide some more information so you can make an informed decision Heart 

 

Here on the SANE Forums, talking about thoughts of suicide can be an important point for peer support and recovery for many people. We are going to be making a How To Guide soon to help ensure that it is clear for everyone how to talk about suicide on the forums safely, and what SANE's Duty of Care is. 

 

Now to answer your question. The SANE Forums aren't a crisis service, which means we can't offer crisis support. If a post or communication with us indicates that someone is imminent at risk of harm to themselves or others and are currently unsafe, there are times as mandatory reporters that we are required by law to get emergent help to the person. This is why we offer referrals to crisis services when there are conversations about suicide to help you get options for the support available to you, because you deserve to have supports to sit alongside and help you when you are thinking about suicide. 

 

For more information, you can read about our Duty of Care in the Safety section of the guidelines. We also have a privacy policy if you would like to know more about privacy. 

 

That being said, conversations about suicide where you are currently safe at the moment are okay on the forums and don't lead to any reporting- just let the community know if you are safe and what support you are seeking. This helps ensure that others are also able to offer support, which I am hearing is what you might be looking for at the moment. 

 

I hope this helps to clarify any questions you might have, and also help you make an informed decision moving forward. If you do have any questions, or want to talk about our Duty of Care further, you are more than welcome to reach out to the SANE team at team@saneforums.org 

Re: May I speak of unpleasant things?

Sorry things are shitty for you @Historylover  sometimes it's really hard to be safe when the darkness of our thoughts are overwhelming. 

crisis services can trace you through you IP address, including sane. I know from experience unfortunately. 

hope your ok 💕

Re: May I speak of unpleasant things?

Can we talk @Eve7 or is your situation too difficult? I'm sorry you're burdened with this too.

 

I'll just add this: he trained me not to make a move unless I ran it passed him first. I tried not doing so several times in the early days and it didn't work out well. I learned to do exactly as he said even if it went against my better judgement. He is just leading me on. He is, not 'a voice'.

 

When I made out my Will he sniggered. When I rode the bus near his home and wistfully remembered the time when my 'best friend' lived just 'down there', he nastily telepathized that that was as close as I was going to get. He telepathized that he loved his wife. What was he implying? I have been trying to restore my family for 36 years. Did his ego think he was my goal? He offered me friendship. I would never have asked for it. I was happy to accept friendship with such a friend. I had rapport with him like I have never had before, but it seems that he was not only just playing me for a fool, that he made it last into his retirement. I agreed as, as you can see, we have a unique connection.

 

P.S. Jung and Freud, native tribes and the ancients and many others are fully aware of telepathy's reality. I can't disconnect. He has control and where would I be if I did? Even more alone? He just experimented with me while playing the kindly psychiatrist. Old reliable.

 

Anyway, this isn't my current issue. I really need to talk about my suicidality situation and need to continue with my reason for posting. And with no-one else to turn to, I am just being led on by his narcissism and sadism. I know this is difficult for anyone to understand. He took me into this realm and I just don't know what to do. 

Re: May I speak of unpleasant things?

Thank you to my respondents all @Bow@Daisydreamer,@Eve7

 

I don't know what to do and he knows it. He knows the bind he has put me in. He artfully worked to achieve this outcome. If I am traced I will no longer have the life I have now and will be at the mercy of people who think they know what they are doing, when they haven't a hope of helping me or have a clue what they are doing. Many psychologists and others are still wet behind the ears, others are indifferent to the outcome of their 'expertise'. They are all experimenting, thinking they know it all. I could be medicated, hospitalized and worse. My life will not be worth living and everyone will know about it.

 

I am not in immediate risk, have never planned to harm others and have no idea how to save myself.

 

I have seen two psychiatrists since he put me through this unspeakable trauma, each twice. One couldn't hide his delight when I said that he had trained me to endure the unendurable to achieve my objective, and that I had endured the unendurable...and he finished for me 'and you've achieved nothing'. He couldn't hide his delight. The second showed he was part of the boys' club after two consultations. I e-mailed him back asking if he could save me. He effectively told me to take medication and he wasn't talking as per a prescription. I won't find anyone able to help me. I truly believe my ex-psychiatrist has seen to that. Every day is hell. And I can't get help anywhere. I don't know what to do. He could be reading this. I told him I was posting here and he knows my style, but he doesn't even need to read my posts. He made sure he was unaccountable. Clever lot.

Re: May I speak of unpleasant things?

I can't read all of that @Daisydreamer, I can't digest anything but replies at the moment. I am already distressed and have to ask – Sane has my address?

 

How can I get a 'therapist' when they know the 'job' that has been done on me. They can see that I am beyond help. He has meticulously seen to it. Psychiatrists think it is funny and psychologists are out of their depth. It would cost me a fortune, will leave a bank record showing where I have been spending my money when my records are perused by my """loved ones""". They will be able to say "See, she is still getting treatment" even though I have been Depression free for decades and had not seen a psychiatrist for decades either.

 

Mental health wise, I am exceedingly well. I function without fault. I just need friends and loved ones to work with – not help me. I don't need 'help'. I need trusted allies in the real world. I need human interaction in the real world.

 

Several days ago I was rung by one of the men in that organization I recently left. He wanted to say everyone misses me. He not only knows I am not going back, he knows through a mutual contact who spread the 'news' through the other organization, like wildfire, that I have been suicidal and he was curious to see how I am – or if I was no longer here. What a creep. What a ghoul. Needless to say I have blocked him. 

 

I have no-where to turn and no-one except here, and you advise that is very limited. What do people do? 

Re: May I speak of unpleasant things?

Thank you, @Bow. I'm limping on. Hope you're doing fine. Heart Sending best wishes.

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