Lived Experience Forum

[EvergreenPeace]

Hay everyone,

Ive just started to see a psychologist after nearly 13 years of putting it off 3-4 months ago, because I thought I could deal with my trauma on my own, which has opened up a whole 'nother can of worms.

They pointed me to the SANE website through some recent episodes ive been having due to dissassociation after finally hitting what I feel like is rock-bottom and Ive decided to join up and share my story/feelings and experiences.

Ive been using alcohol as a coping mechanisim for a number of years to deal with my sexual/personal trauma that occured while I was a child into my late teenage years. Its affected me so much that I didnt even realise, anxiety around relationships, affecting what I would call normal sleep patterns, keeping me from forming meaningful relationships with everyone I've ever met, except a few that I can only really name on one hand. Choosing to keep most people I've encountered at arms length because of my deeply seeded trust issues with people as I tend to feel like theyre going to hurt me, or I'm going to hurt them.

But finally, after acknowledging I cant keep this mindset up because I genuinely care and love everyone and dont want to see my own pain and coping mechanisims spill over onto them, I went and saw help with some encouragement. Its helping me figure out who I am as a person which I felt like for most of my life I didnt really know. I know the road will be long, I know I will have to face some potentially uncombfortable and life changing parts of my mind and personality, but Im hopeful for my own future for the first time in my life.

Change has always been a good thing for me, and its about time I dealt with this part of my life so I can finally live a life without fear of myself and others.

Outside of this journey that I'm on I enjoy video games, new and varied activities and cooking food (I always find this the best part of my day when im motivated.) I also love tattoos and alternative forms of art and I enjoy listening to a variety of different music; I grew up on Metal/Rock and Death Metal but ive expanded to things like Hip-hop, R&B, Indie Rock, Rap, Lo-fi, Reggae and Drum and Bass.

Thanks for reading everyone.

[NatureLover]

Hi, @EvergreenPeace , welcome to the forums. I hope you find it a supportive place 🙂

I'm sorry to read you suffered childhood trauma and abuse 😞 There are unfortunately many people here who understand and can empathise.

Well done on seeing a psychologist...I'm glad it's giving you some hope for the future. 

[wellwellwellnez]

Hey @EvergreenPeace . Welcome to recovery. I was thinking how you were showing some really good signs. Being self-reflective, making earnest connections, then I re-read you're I think magical comment.

"Change has always been a good thing for me"

That comment is simply remarkable. So refreshing to hear that from a human being. Change is largely good but to recogise it the way you have, I think is really special. It challenges the "reptilian" parts of my brain.

[EvergreenPeace]

Its taken me a long time to reach this point, took me losing someone I felt I was finally becoming emotionally close with which was the massive kick in the face for me realising this part of me. Definitely something thats shooting me down the rabbit hole of finally trusting my psychologist and opening myself up to people, opening up communication and finally learning the correlations between my behavious and my trauma.

Change is probably why I havnt stayed in one place for more than a year at most, but its finally time to look at myself rather than my surroundings. My "reptillian" brain fires off when it shouldnt which is something im still disscussing as openly as I can.

Its a scary place to be in without support, but I hope that the people I've met across my life will be able to support me when I finally learn the things i'm trying to learn about myself.

Thank you very much 🙂