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LittleTiger
Casual Contributor

Hello everyone

Hi there. My name is Little Tiger and I joined Sane today because I need help, guidance and support. I used to use a mental health forum many years ago and it got me through some of the hardest times of my life and unfortunately, I think I’m there again. I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression for over a year now, survived an attempted suicide and left my husband because of it all. I feel like I’m ruining my own life and I don’t know what to do. 
I’m not quite sure how this works and what else I’m supposed to say here, to be honest.

I’ve been in love with someone for over a year now and I think this is where my depression took roots. I’ve never loved anyone like that before and I’ve never felt this loved by anyone else. That’s probably the reason why I left my husband - I learned what real love and connection feels like and I made a step towards that freedom. However, the person I’ve been seeing is in an unhappy relationship also. I constantly live in hope that he will make a choice one day soon and it’ll be in my favour, I hate myself for praying for it every day because I’m praying for someone to have their heart shattered. It makes me feel like a horrible person but now I’m separated and I want to spend all my free time with him.. he’s not available for me. 
I have awful thoughts of slipping a note to his partner and telling her everything but I know it’s only going to make things worse, I’m not that person. I want him to choose me, love me, be with me but I can’t say it.. I’m dead inside and I don’t know what I’m living for anymore

8 REPLIES 8

Re: Hello everyone

Welcome @LittleTiger ,

 

I couldn't help but respond to your honest and sincere post. Thank you for taking the time to share some of what's happening for you with the community.

 

It sounds like such a difficult place to sit in. Knowing what your heart wants, but also knowing it is not entirely in reach. 

 

I'm curious to know how the person you are in love with feels about things and what they want to do, moving forward.

 

I hope to hear from you.

 

Please take care.

 

Feel free to tag me into your posts by typing "@" in front of my name e.g. @tyme 

Re: Hello everyone

Hi @LittleTiger

 

It sounds really hard for you to feel the strong love that you do, but know they are not available at the moment. Know that you are worthy of love and happiness, regardless of whether the person you love chooses to show his love for you, or stays with his partner. Your value is not determined by what someone else thinks of you, but as what is inside you. You know you are a good person who doesn't want to ruin someone else's relationship. Whatever happens you can show yourself that you deserve to be loved by looking after your physical and emotional health as best you are able. Don't wait for someone else to show their love for you - allow yourself to see your own good points and praise yourself like a lover would. Give yourself gifts, take yourself on dates that you enjoy. Doing this doesn't say that you want to be alone - but rather that you are valuable whether you are with a paryner or not.

 

Apart from seeking help on a forum, what else helped you get through hard times in the past? Are there any strategies you have found useful to utilise when things are hard? Can you try some self care or grounding ideas? Do you have any friends or professionals you could contact for support? Could you distract yourself with a hobby or other pleasant things while you work through your relationship challenges?

Re: Hello everyone

@CrazyChick thank you for your support. 
The love I feel is so strong and pure it hurts, platonically and romantically. I often wish that I never met him..

Yeah, I used to be very content and genuinely “love myself” the way you described when I was in a relationship and we were, in a way, evenly unavailable for each other. But it somehow got buried deep deep inside me now and I don’t seem to have the strength to bring it back up anymore. I used to enjoy yoga and meditation as a grounding mechanism but as the depression progressed I lost interest in my most favourite things in the world and I no longer have courage to get back into it. I wake up with the thoughts that “I should start doing it again” but never do. I procrastinate, drink too much alcohol at home by myself, don’t want to socialise with friends and just watch TV shows and drink. It feels like a safe and happy space, although I know it’s not a healthy one. I can’t just get up and do it, “snap out of it” like my husband used to say. 
I feel like I might have to seek professional help again but at this point it seems like admitting to this problem is a weakness, not a strength and I’m trying to avoid it. 

Re: Hello everyone

@tyme thank you very much for your kind words.
It’s not easy and I know it’s not the end of the world but it sure feels like it sometimes.

We never talked about him leaving her, I never bring it up. His constant point in response to me moments of weakness is that we should be enjoying the present, appreciating what we have now rather than reminiscing over what it can be in the future. And it’s a good but but sure a frustrating one.
I can only be present when we are together, all the other time I’m daydreaMing about the future and making plans or coming up with solutions. It’s like I intentionally entrap my own mind and go in circles until I see him again and relieve my mind for a short while.
Over and over and over again. It’s infuriating
Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Hello everyone

Hi @LittleTiger 

@CrazyChick and @tyme  have shared great ideas.

You also seem aware.

I do not thjnk a letter to your friends wife/partner will help anyone.

I hope you can approach your friend and ask him what his intentions are.

Are other things in your life working?

Is drinking under control?

Re: Hello everyone

Hi @Former-Member
Thank you for the insight.
You won’t be surprised to know that I really want to approach him and ask about his intentions but I’m afraid that I’ll be hit with “let’s not talk about the future, let’s enjoy what we have in the moment” argument. It’s an argument that I can’t top which means I can’t win in that conversation. And I’m not sure I’ll be okay if I lose this battle.

My other things in life are okay. I have a stable job and I’m trying to distract myself from this at all cost. It’s just a constant stress lingering over me and distressing my peace.

Drinking I think is under control. It’s bothering me that I use it as a form of escape and relaxation but it’s not affecting any part of my life. I’ve considered AA meetings but I’m not sure I’m ready to take such a big step. If it means I’m a functioning alcoholic I’m fine with it for now, until I get more content, maybe
Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Hello everyone

Hi @LittleTiger @tyme @CrazyChick 

You will decide when the time is right.

You will decide how long you accept his answers.

Sometjmes the partner has no idea.

You sound wise enough to know if he is serious.

Sometimes when we really like or love someone, we have reality blinkers on.

I am glad your drinking is under control.

I heard great reviews about AA if you do that in the future

Re: Hello everyone

@LittleTiger

 

Having your relationship being the only thing that makes you happy is putting a lot of pressure on you to get it working. But there are other parts of your life that are important too. Think of it like a gardener nurturing only the flowers on a rose bush, but when the leaves go yellow and the roots rot with fungal infections the flowers also suffer. So nuture all parts of you using strategies that you know have helped you in the past to thrive.

 

When we feel really depressed even doing small things can seem impossible. So start with a small goal - perhaps just try one short meditation before you watch TV; or look up a professional who used to help you to see if they are still available; or touch base with a friend by sending them a fun photo or meme they might enjoy. Or if you are feeling more able start a weekend morning with a yoga video;  phone or meet with a friend; or look up AA groups in your area or strategies to help you with your drinking. Challenge yourself to do one small thing a day, and if things seem too hard break them down into smaller, more achievable parts. Feel proud of each thing you achieve, however small.

 

Seeking help is a sign of strength. Seeking help demonstrates your courage to work towards any changes you would like to make. Friends and professionals can help you as you battle your depression and anxiety.

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