Lived Experience Forum

[Hellhammer14]

Hi everyone. 

min just reaching out in hopes I can get some advice. A little background. My fiancé is 50-I am 29.. but I know who I want. 
I suffer from GAD, BPD, MDD, seizures, PTSD, major anger and sadness swings. 

my fiancé (I think still?) was diagnosed with early stage prostate cancer last month. I wish I could take it away but I can't. He has not statemrtrd treatment yet. However his mental health is suffering. And as a factor so is mine. Badly. Am I selfish? I do everything. Literally. Everything. I text him just to see how he is. I ask daily how he's feeling. And what I get in response is being talked down AT. Not TO. AT. 
but I still cook. Clean. And help anyone and everyone who's been into our home while trying to battle my own issues. 

with hun. It's almost a contest. I can't say how I'm feeling. Cause "he doesn't need this cause I stress him out". By breathing? By cooking him dinner every night. AND cleaning afterward. But nothing is ever good enough.

I get fed up and get exasperated and it comes out in my tone which is his EXACT way of speaking to me daily. And he turns and hates me and calls me every name under the sun. 

im finding I'm turning to self medicating. Before anyone says. I KNOW it's bad. 
I take my tablets  with alcohol to try at least sleep. I've gone 4 days not sleeping due to just getting out of bed every hour to just poke my head in and check on him. 

im breaking so badly but I need to be the strong one. (He had narrsisictic type personality before all this)

he's only decent when I can be of use to him. Otherwise I'm ordered around. 

am I selfish? Am I weak? Or pathetic? 
he lies and lies and lies. And I find them out yet I'm scared to confront him because it's always turned back on me. How I stress him out. 
it's like he's not satisfied unless I'm alone and crying myself to sleep which is almost nightly. 

if anyone takes the time to read this. Thankyou. 

[SmilingGecko]

@Hellhammer14 I would check out of that relationship if I were you.  I am around your fiance`s age and simply would not put up with it.  You don't deserve being lied to and being exploited.  When you enter a relationship its wise that you discuss your expectations otherwise once you're in a relationship its very difficult to renegotiate who is expected to do what.  He has no sympathy for you yet expects you to feel sorry for him. A word of warning. The older narcissists get the worse their behaviour becomes.  They are very difficult people to live with as they get older.  I have had experience with narcissists in my family and they play all kinds of mind games and abuse people.  I have noticed their behaviour worsening over time. Just get out while you can. You owe him nothing. He can't even be honest to your face.  Get out now while you can.

[AussieRecharger]

Hey @Hellhammer14 

How would you describe his love for you? How does he make you feel loved and how does he make you feel validated as his partner? 

Life is full of situations that bring us adversity. How we choose to deal with those situations is what brings us dignity and pride.  I get the feeling he is treating this issue with fear of losing control first and dignity and pride last and I would be extremely careful when a relationship becomes fear-based.  Men who can't stand not having control are very dangerous. 

Good luck to you and your partner. 

[cloudcore]

Hi @Hellhammer14,

I can hear how stressful and isolating this situation has been for you. It must be awful trying to support and care for someone doesn't appreciate it, and even actively tears you down, whilst desperately needing that support yourself. You deserve to be heard and recieve just as much kindness and compassion as you extend to others.

I've learnt through my own experiences though that those in your fiance's position often aren't ready or prepared to consider anyone else's wellbeing and needs, which can be a really hard thing to accept. Do you have other supports you can lean on and speak openly with during this time?

Here with you.

from cloudcore