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MichMichelle
Contributor

Feeling guilty about regressing

I've got PTSD and depression with anxiety.  After years of hard work I've gone backwards.  My Go took me off my antidepressants and thought that we'd try using this new drug ( which after a week of nothing started me on half a tablet today!).  Less than the minimum dose.

I'm tired and in pain and can't be bothered with anything and to make matters worse I'm in the psychological science and counseling area. I cannot even use positive card's,  meditation not a thing is working for me I just can't take anything in. I've had to take time off until the end of May so that I can go into hospital and have TMS treatment hopefully they'll have a bed next week. I'm exhausted I'm getting flashbacks and nightmares and feel so guilty I should know better than this.  I wish that I could go to sleep and wind down. I am past my past and yet I'm having nightmares and flashbacks.  I don't know if this makes a lot of sense or if it just sounds like a blur of incoherent nonsense but I'm feeling guilty for being unwell after all this time. I'm not looking for sympathy just wondering if you have gone through this at some point 

19 REPLIES 19

Re: Feeling guilty about regressing

Hi @MichMichelle so sorry you are going through this. Our inner critics can be harsh at times of high distress, creating more grief about something that may be out of our control. I often find too that the tools I have to help myself with emotions help at most moderately and regularly not at all. I believe there is a cumulative benefit to keeping on with these things when possible but they may far less effective in a crisis. Really hoping the TMS gives you good relief and that it happens very soon, and that there is more rest in sleep for you.

Re: Feeling guilty about regressing

Thank you so much for warm words

Re: Feeling guilty about regressing

Hey there @MichMichelle ,

I am so sorry you are going through that, it is exhausting living with depression alone, but anxiety and PTSD add to the exhaustion as well. Life becomes exhausting. I am also very sorry for the cause of your PTSD; I too get flashbacks and nightmares and there is nothing quite like it; it leaves you feeling very vulnerable and afraid.

 

Changing medications is ridiculously difficult and takes a toll on the mind, and occasionally body.

 

Do not be hard on yourself for needing time to adjust, it is out of your control.

 

Everyone regresses from time to time, often through no fault of their own; as is the situation for you. I myself have recently regressed and in my desperation I came back to this website and found support and kind words. I thought I had been coming out of my regression but it seems we both still have some to go.

 

I guess we both have be a little easier on ourselves.

 

I hope the TMS treatment gives you relief and helps.

 

Take care and all the best.

Re: Feeling guilty about regressing

Your response made me cry , your understanding of PTSD and flashbacks made me feel like I was not suffering alone. Whether PTSD is caused by childhood trauma or because of service with the defense department the flashbacks are horrific.
Thanks again for your help and support Mich

Re: Feeling guilty about regressing

@MichMichelle I am sorry for making you cry, but I am glad you have realised that you are not alone, it really does feel like that some days.

 

Our minds are so very complex and can so easily distort the truth, depression loves to convince us we are alone, anxiety makes us think that no one likes us, PTSD makes us relive those traumatic experiences or creates new nightmares.

 

One day I hope that they find a cure, I know that it is not like a virus but if they could cure mental illnesses and disorders they would alleviate so much anguish and loneliness. It would just be nice if we did not have to live with these parasites.

 

Take care 🙂 I hope that you have a good day and that we keep in touch on here.

Re: Feeling guilty about regressing

Hi @MichMichelle 

 

I'd like to take this chance to welcome you to the forum - I am sure you will find support here - we are happy to give it when we can

 

I read your post earlier this morning - I am sorry you feel as if you have slipped back and yes - you feel guilty about it - we can be so hard on ouselves at time - I can assure you there is no need to feel guilty but you do. Hopefully you can put that aside and concentrate on clearing the mental clutter to sort it all out and get back to what was more comfortable

 

Actually I have read and think it's true that although we seem to slip backwards at times we never really go back to where we were at the beginning of our journey. We are always learning something during the hard-work times and the easier times and these thoughts and lessons come to us when we hit the all again - again or again. It does happens

 

I have had PTSD, depression and anxiety in the past - circumstances in my life changed and although I don't think I will find myself there again - I might. Getting older does have some good points and one of them is sorting out our values, the things that happened in the past are superceded by the things that happened since and there is just more life behind us

 

I wish you the best - and try and relax as much as possible through this bout - time passing is a great stress-relievor - and I am glad you have shared with us. I have seen you around the forum in the last day or two and think you will do well and have a lot to offer

 

Dec

Re: Feeling guilty about regressing

Thank you so much for your support
Mich

Re: Feeling guilty about regressing

Hi @MichMichelle  I can relate to a lot of what you shared. We are our own worst enemy and critics. 

I went through an incredibly difficult few years 10+yrs ago. Was in and out of hospital, all sorts of meds and ECT. I eventually with a lot of support, got myself better and off all meds. I had about 10really good years. But here I am again. Battling with si and sh, medication and struggling to find a reason to keep living. Life happens eh. Some people are more susceptible to depression and when life gets hard we tend to take a hit. That's been the case for me anyhow. 
I understand the PTSD and flashbacks, something that I am constantly having at the moment. They are horrendous and can leave you feeling fragile and ruin the rest of the day. I'm slowly learning ways to cope, learning my triggers and really trying to take good care of myself. 

please be gentle with yourself. I hope your hospital stay in helpful for you and you are able to get on top of everything and back to work. 

Re: Feeling guilty about regressing

Hi @Bow 

I hope that you too are gentle with yourself.

 

I am sorry for the experiences and traumas you have been through. I hope that you are able to find your feet again.

 

All the best.

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