Lived Experience Forum

[PT14]

Soooooo..... isn't this an especially effed up time to have a mental illness??
I have never posted on anything like this before, and truth be told I'm quite anxious about it.

But although all my friends and family tell me to reach out and that they are here for me, I can't escape knowing that whilst yes, everyone is struggling with lockdowns and all this crap, they don't understand how difficult this actually is for me. If every day, in my best times I have to fight the demons just to get up or get through work or not just sob for no reason, then this is just ......beyond.

Those things which bring me joy and balance me out (apart from the meds lol) have been taken away and in my job, (which I love, am great at and am very, very fortunate to be able to do in such a time) I am emotionally and professionally responsible for keeping 250 people motivated and going at this tough time so I... just have nothing left. 
I am really struggling. 

My fiancé is wonderful, but I feel so disconnected to everyone because their experience is so different to mine. I know everyone is finding this so hard and I feel myself just saying I’m fine because I don’t feel I should be carrying on about it. But I need to talk to people who can actually understand truely what this is like- someone who has a mental illness on top of the COVID crap.

I guess I just reached out to see if I could did someone who gets it to talk to. Not sure what will happen, but no harm trying hey?

[Former-Member]

Hello @PT14 

I am new to this forum also and like yourself , l was told to reach out for advise , assistance and help with OMG my MENTAL ILLNESS !!!!!!!!

Because l am not normal and because l am suffering l need to talk to people to get me to understand my mood swings , my really short temper and all the craziness running wild in my head.

And YES what a better time than Covid lockdown to flip yourself upside down...

Truth be told many people , including friends and family dont want to deal with what they dont understand and when you try to explain its all in your head and you are making more of things than you should. I should know and l dont bother so much anymore , isolation is really lonely when you have many around you.

So maybe you and l can find some understandings to what we feel and validate that those feelings are in fact real.

I struggle everyday , l also get so bad that l sorry to say self harm because of it. Nothing to be proud of , its my coping and l know its wrong but when nothing makes sense , logic is thrown out the window.

I am also on meds but all they do is calm me , while keeping the psychotic cat run wild inside my head. 

You're right there is no harm in trying !!!

[NatureLover]

Hi and welcome, @PT14 ! It's good you've joined.

I think you'll find a lot of people understand you, here. Even having to try to find somewhere to have a Zoom appt with their therapist. Can I ask if you have a therapist to talk to? You mentioned that you're really struggling.

A handy forum tip is if you type @ then click on a name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification, and won't miss your reply. 

[PT14]

@Former-Member 
Hi! Firstly, you are normal 🙂
There are many different kinds of normal, and we all fit along the spectrum!
Our feelings are real, and you’re right- people often shy away from that which they don’t understand.
I hope you are travelling ok today- one day at a time. The sun is shining today 🙂

[SJT63]

@PT14  we are lucky enough to live in a part of the country where lockdowns are short and sharp these days, but last year was a nightmare for my bipolar partner.

He doesn't work, and rarely leaves the house, but the stress of knowing his family were at risk going about their business, feeling powerless to help them, took it's toll. 

Also, with me working from home neither of us had any "space". He enjoys the alone time with the run of the house while I'm at work, and I get 8 hours a day away from his frequent explosions. The mania which normally lasts about 6 weeks at a time went for 6 months. It nearly broke us.

For the moment we are lucky here but I know it will happen again.

@Former-Member I totally second what PT14 said about "normal". There is no normal, only perhaps typical and atypical but the idea of normal is a construct I don't subscribe to either.

[periwinklepixie]

heyyy @PT14 

Firstly welcome to the Forums! I really hope you find a sense of community here and people who are really going through similar things. 🙂 

Your post made me laugh. I love the sense of humour you are bringing to such difficult times. As they saying goes 'if you don't laugh, you might cry' haha 

Something I've found interesting about the whole Pandemic 'thing' is how the media and politicians have talked a lot about mental health but in the context of the general population becoming anxious,depressed and isolated. But there has been very little mention of how people with pre-exisiting conditions, particularly of a complex nature, have been effected. Which irks me a bit. Just my two cents! 😛 

Right alongside you in this!
- periwinklepixie

[Former-Member]

Morning @PT14 ,

Thank you , yes the sun is shining today !!

Hopefully we can both find those who understand us the most without judgement but care.

For someone who has battled this alone in isolation for a long time l know how hard it can be. 

You too take care and dont be a stranger , l am always open to discussing my not normals anytime..

[frog]

Welcome @PT14 @Former-Member hope you find support and solidarity here. I live with Bipolar 1 and anxiety, and in my experience now is a particularly hard time to be struggling with mental health trouble. Well said @periwinklepixie : 'there has been very little mention of how people with pre-exisiting conditions, particularly of a complex nature, have been effected.' It adds a whole new layer of complexity I think. The sustained pressure over the past 18+ months - fires, covid, lockdowns - is really hard to take.

Hi @SJT63 @NatureLover hope all's well, or at least ok!

[PT14]

@NatureLover 
Hiya,

I do have a counsellor through work but I have done so much CBT (before being medicated) that I am all out of talking about it to be honest. I think I came on here to find like souls and talk through feelings without someone who hasn't experienced it trying to fix it. 🤷‍♀️
Unfortunately the things I rely on to help me stay balanced I can't do at the moment so that's where the lost feeling lies. I am quite high functioning but I rely on structures and opportunities that I don't have now. It's just like my black cat is stuck sitting on my head and I can't shift him! 

[PT14]

Hi @periwinklepixie 

Yes, I totally agree. All the talk about mental health discusses how neurotypical people are struggling. There is no talk about how this is on top of a lived experience of mental illness.

I wonder if others also share my frustration about the current "mental health" media focus...... I feel quite frustrated with the messaging that mental health - ie the normal ups and downs of a persons health - is being talked about almost synonymously with chronic mental illness.

To me I feel my story is put in the same place as someone who is stressed at work..... and I don't think that represents me. I am ALSO stressed at work!! Both need to be talked about and stigmas removed but they are not the same.