Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[HenryX]

@Lisa2 

Hello "Lisa"

Your feelings are very normal. My Mum passed away 18 months ago. Mum had lived with me for quite a while before her passing. Mum was very independent. During the last months, when she was in residential care, I visited her each day. Although I had not imagined that Mum would be happy with anyone reading anything with/to her, it was a comfort for me and, I believe for her, for me to read from a book, by an author, whose work we both enjoyed. In the last 3 days, I recall sitting in a chair in her room reading from a book by that author. It gave me a feeling of continuity and closeness with my Mum in that last stage. I can tell you that as I type this message, I have tears in my eyes. Just be there with your Mum, you really do not have to do anything else and you need do nothing else. For my part, I extend to you support and comfort in your time with your Mum.

With My Very Sincere Wishes of Care, Support and Comfort,

HenryX

[AussieRecharger]

Hey @Lisa2 

Just wanted to check back and see how you were doing?

[Lisa2]

Sorry for the late reply. Thankyou for checking in. Mum passed away Friday morning in the hospice. My sister was asleep on the hospital bed and the nurse went off to get my Mum more morphine as her breathing seemed heavy. While she was gone her breathing slowed and I watched her take her final breathes before passing away. I've never seen someone die before, let alone my own mother.

[HenryX]

@Lisa2 @AussieRecharger @MIFANTCARER @BPDSurvivor @missmavy 

@Jupiter

Hello Lisa,

My Sympathy and Condolences for You, Your Sister and Your Families, on the recent passing of your Mother.

I hope that you will feel comfortable talking with us in the forums if there are any issues that you think we may be able to assist with, or thoughts you would like to share.

With Most Sincere Thoughts of Sympathy and Compassion,

HenryX

[AussieRecharger]

Hey @Lisa2 

Sorry to hear about your mum and i hope all the good times come flooding back as you all start to celebrate her life in all its glory. 

How are you holding up?  Do you have someone that you are able to talk with and grieve with if you need company?

[Lisa2]

Thank you again everyone. I appreciate it.

The only family I really have left are my sister and dad. My sister is struggling so I feel like I can't talk to her and my dad doesn't really know what to do or say.

I'm struggling because I'm alone in the house we used to live in and it's just hit me lately that she's never going to come home.

It was hard as well because my 28th was five days after she passed. I'm just feeling really lost atm

[HappyCastle]

@Lisa2 I'm sorry to hear you're feeling lost - it's a really hard place to be. I'm glad you are here able to get support on the forums and speaking about the way you are feeling and what you are going through at the moment.

Sending you care,

HappyCastle

[Appleblossom]

@Lisa2 

Sorry about your mother passing. Sometimes it can help to look online and learn how others deal with grieving.  It is such a unique journey.  I am glad people were able to give support.  Not fun for a birthday either.  I believe that sense of realisation is an important part of the process, and tears or sadness.  I found choosing photos and framing them helpful, it keeps some kind of psychic connection alive .... Occasionally I even talk to the photo ... wry laugh ...

Littel steps.

Apple

[HenryX]

@Lisa2 

Hello Lisa

Thank you for your note of appreciation.

Many of the members on the forum can, I believe, understand the feelings and thoughts that are associated with your circumstances at the present time. They, having been in similar circumstances to what you are experiencing, themselves.

It seems, from what you have said in your note today, that you are feeling rather alone, combined with a sense of loneliness at the moment. In some ways, I believe, that is our self defence mechanism operating in a way that protects us from sudden additional shocks, to which we may be more vulnerable and reactive.

Your sister and Dad are struggling to cope with their grief, as, no doubt, are you. Being alone, in the home where you have lived with your family, makes the feelings even more keenly and sharply felt. And your birthday anniversary, so close in time, adds another dimension to those feelings.

Someone said to me, reflecting on his own experience, following my mother's passing, that it was as though the world was continuing on in the usual way. We wonder, at times like these, why everything does not stop. He had actually said very much what I was thinking at that time. I believe that we do stop, or at least slowdown, in a sense. And after we have 'processed our feelings', at least partially, and come to terms with the changes in our life, we can gradually return to our life and then 'catch up' with everyone else. Often we actually seem to experience a feeling as though time has slowed down. I know that is the way it seemed for me.

There were times when I seemed to be 'okay' and then, for seemingly no reason at all, those feelings would come flooding back into my mind. At times like these, I would have to, if I could, excuse myself from the activity, stop what I was doing and allow myself the time to deal with how I was feeling at the moment. Sometimes the timing is awkward, but it is, I think, a good idea to come to an agreement with ourselves, to set those feelings aside for the moment, and return to them at a time when we are free to acknowledge them. I do believe it is very important to make such an arrangement with ourselves, at such times, so that we are not simply suppressing our feelings, and thus leaving ourselves with unrequited feelings that just boil up underneath.

When something as significant as the passing of a close and dear relative or friend occurs, there are always going to be other events of significance nearby. They feel as though they are marked on the page with bold letters, in italics & underlined which makes any other such associated events have so much more impact because of their proximity in time. It is, I think, in the same category as the feelings and thoughts, “What if ….”, “Why didn't....”, “I'm so sorry that....”, “Why now....”. We go through these questions, not till they are ever answered, because often they can't be, or there is no real answer. But we still go over and over them. I know that's how it was for me. Some of those feelings still come up for me from time to time, but I am gradually 'coming to terms' with those feelings and thoughts. I am also recalling the special times Mum and I shared, and the good moments and other shared experiences. As you may recall from my previous posts, my Mum passed away nearly two years ago.

It is possible that the lost feeling is also a reaction that protects you, by isolating you in a sense, so that you have time to deal with the thoughts and feelings that you naturally have following the passing of your Mum.

What I believe I am saying is that all the thoughts, feelings, events that you have described, are what most people would experience. And, dare I say it, “it all sounds very normal”. That begs the question; “What is normal?” Normal, to me, is what most people would experience, feel and think under similar circumstances. Those thoughts, feelings and experiences are shaped by our upbringing, school and parental influences, our faith, social structure, ethnic background, etc. – so many variables. But I believe that we have to have some gauge by which we can 'measure' our processes and be able to say

“My feelings, thoughts and experiences are consistent with those that others in my sphere of influence are likely to have – and Yes, I feel topsy-turvey, but I am OK”.

However, If your experience of the circumstances that you are in is not like what I have described, then maybe it is me who is topsy-turvey and you're still OK.

I hope that what I have written has meaning and value for you Lisa, and if it does, I hope we can “speak” with each other again.

With My Very Best Wishes,

HenryX

C.C. to other members with whom you have had contact:      @Appleblossom @HappyCastle @AussieRecharger @MIFANTCARER

[AussieRecharger]

hey @Lisa2 ..

Just remember there is no time limit for you to grieve. 

We are here if you need us.. whatever random thoughts you have, you are welcome to type them up and throw them in here, we won't judge you and we will be here to support you during this time as best we can. 

Look after yourself and remember your whole family is hurting and you don't need to solve the hurting, just being with each other is enough. Time will do the rest. 

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.