Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Spacemum]

I'm looking for information on how to  help my daughter  she has Bipolar 2, she carrys all hurts with her from when she was a child to a married woman, and brings it up in any conversation and then she say  the nasty stuff and then deny saying them , How can I help her heal from Hurts that she truly thinks are so bad , and she blames me for them , one was having to many visitors  in my house when she was growing up ( my visitors were family members) I don't  want to snap at her I need help to be able to help her all advice would be appreciated thank you 

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Spacemum,

Welcome to the Forums. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers at SANE. It is nice to have you with us.

You situation resonates a little with me as a close family member has bipolar I. They also have a lot of issues and hurts from their childhood. I think the one thing I always tell my kids is that a person's perception is their truth. Even if we may not agree with what someone says, if a person really believes what they are saying and perceived it a certain way then that is the truth for them.

My family member's truth is that they have been deeply hurt and a lot of things were bad for them in childhood. I can only speak from my experience with my family member but I don't think my family member is looking for anyone to challenge what they say happened when they were young. I think they just want to feel heard, validated around their truth, and understood. It can be very difficult (I know) because the way I may remember what happened could be different to theirs but our memories are founded by so many things that can differ widely from others. For example, I have three children and whilst I believe I parent them all the same they all have different experiences around growing up due to friends, school, whether they were introverted or extroverted, even position in the family can influence how a person perceives their experiences, etc.

In my case it's not that I go back in time and discuss what may or may not have happened for my family member, I try more to meet them were they are today and validate that experience and support them with how they want to move forward.

I hope this makes sense. I wish you well, and understand the position you are in.

Warm wishes, 

FloatingFeather 

[PolarOpposite]

@Spacemum 

I personally suffer from BPII and there’s a few things I’d recommend to think about.

I know things must be tough for you as a parent when you feel like the attacks and blame is coming your way. The best defence is to build your own knowledge and to be an understanding parent, rather than being uneducated about what your daughter might be experiencing both mentally and biologically.

1st, just because someone has bipolar it doesn’t mean that everything they do / think is related to or should be blamed on the disorder. It is easy to make someone’s mental illness the scapegoat, rather than addressing the underlying issue. To say “oh, my daughter is angry/depressed about her childhood because of bipolar” makes very little sense to me, because it just isn’t how the disorder works.

2nd, if you believe that your daughter is in the depressed (down) or hypomanic (elevated, irritable) phase of bipolar when she’s saying these things, I wonder whether she is taking medication? If her outbursts are a reflection of her symptoms, medication is the best way (IMO) to blunt the ups and downs, and therefore puts you in a position to have a more rational conversation about things. However, because she is married it isn’t your place to go and tell her she needs medication. Again, that’s insensitive and it’s better to take a family approach from a place of respect and caring.

3rd, take an interest in her and her disorder to avoid being insensitive when speaking to her. There is a great book called “The Bipolar Survival Guide” by David Miklowitz which you should read before having a conversation with your daughter about anything to do with her bipolar. There is also a great YouTuber psychiatrist, Dr Tracey Marks, who has great content on bipolar.

I hope you can see the theme here - treat your daughter with respect by acknowledging that her issues may not be surfacing because of bipolar. If you haven’t already, educate yourself on bipolar properly by studying it to ensure that you are a good support for her, and to show her (and the disorder) the respect is deserves.

I hope that helps, and I’m sure with love and care you’ll be breaking through with your daughter in no time.