Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Adge]

Excellent - I like your toolbox strategies @Daphne

I do some of them -

like responding less urgently

Listening well

Trying to think of how to meet my needs - largely unmet.

Turning phone off occasionally

I have to work on finding & enjoying fun (de-stressing) things - I currently don't have any really.

Adge

[Fracturedlight]

I'm speaking from the other side of this...my loved ones seem to be giving up on me. I think it's also me not being able to communicate what I exactly need which is the hardest part. No one is a mind reader. However I'm extremely confused because I've been given like an ultimatum from my family and now I'm scared to still feel how I'm feeling and want to disconnect rather than reach out. It's bloody hard. And I can only imagine what it's like to watch someone you care about loose all hope yet not know how to help. It's hard feeling like you being here is hurting them all more

[Adge]

I find it extremely hard to enlist the support of others @Shaz51

Even when I do, they often do not respond amicably - or as needed.

Adge

[Daphne]

@Shaz51 no need to apologise, I'm glad you like some ideas. I'm clear that you are all experts of your own situation and know what works and what doesn't.

[Shaz51]

yes it is me that does it @Adge , @Lauz , @Daphne 

and even get "what I should do " from family members

[Daphne]

@Adge I think it's difficult to trust that others can fathom or understand the challenges of your situation and it might feel like they can't give you what you need. 

[outlander]

loving the ideas for the toolbox so far

[Adge]

I get "what I should do" from family members too @Shaz51

At my own Dad's Funeral - I had flown to NSW on the midnight flight, had no sleep.

I was exhaused, the trip took 10 hours (5 hours in plane, 5 hours getting out from airport to suburbs).

I was in shock & grief - yet several of my cousins told me to "comfort your Mum", "Your Mum is distressed".

No one offered me any comfort, I was essentially left to deal with it on my own.

Adge

[Daphne]

@Fracturedlight It's good to hear your perspective. I really like what you said about it being so difficult to express what your needs are. Asking for what you need and having the courage to verbalise that takes you to a really vulnerable place. I think we can all feel that. I think it's important that to try and reframe a carer or family members frustration. It's easy to feel uneasy about how you might think you're impacting others, but remind yourself that people are coming from a place of love and wanting you to be in a better place.

[Lauz]

Those are some wonderful tools that were shared for the toolbox. I'll try to list a summary of them at the end too as a reminder! Really like @Daphne's too around the way we respond and monitoring the urgency in our voice.

So the next question: When a loved one doesn’t want our help we can be faced with many fears. A big one can be what we can and can’t control and what we feel responsible for. Do others relate to these fears? What kind of strategies do you use to help this?