Lived Experience Forum

[NikNik]

Welcome @Mazarita!

[Aonaran]

Hi @Mazarita,

Difficult to know what to say without knowing a few more details, but don't want to sound like I'm prying.  I guess the first question that comes to mind is:  is it okay with you that the relationship is unconventional?  Does it meet your sense of self?

[Jacques]

Hi @Lindsay, since i left highschool i have pushed everyone away, friends family & aquantances, all i have left is my mother, my family do not understand why i can't/don't talk to them, i can even be in the same room as them, mum has made excuses for me not being able to see them when they come to the house. 

Because of this my mother has not seen much of her family because they feel uncomfortable about my situation and the fact i can't speak to them.

How do i tell all those people past friends and family why i pushed them all away. i don't want contact with them, just to let them know it is not their fault i can't speak to them?

[Lindsay]

@Mazarita - thanks for being so honest. You're 100% right. Relationships are bloody hard work! They can get easier with time and experience... Has this been you're experience @Mazarita?

[Mazarita]

Hi @Aonaran. I think my current relationship is basically okay in so many ways though I always tend to feel insecure. I have previously been in a long open relationship, which was probably fairly traumatic for both of us in the long run. This is not the case with the current relationship which has been going on (in monogamy) for almost 13 years now. It's stable but we don't sleep in the same bed, haven't for years. This was due to my snoring and there are also some sexual issues. But I'm 53 now and I'm not sure what is down to getting a bit older together too. It's a big subject and hard to know what details to pick out and mention and what not to bother with. I don't really feel I have a big problem with anything but just generally interested in the subject. Oh, and there's also mental health issues with both of us so I think in lots of ways we are doing great.

[Aonaran]

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@Lindsay wrote:

I'm keen to know from you all how important do you think relationships are? What have your experiences been? Are they something that helps you or hinders you on your journey towards recovery?

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Hi @Lindsay,

Relationships are one of the failure points of my life.  I've never been in one, not a real one, because I've never encountered anyone who was interested enough in me.  Or have I?  It gets to the point where you can't tell, caught between being unsure of signals (or were they just being generous/charitable/taking pity?) and not wanting to face humiliation or open ridicule again.  Certainly no-one's ever made a particular effort to have me in their life, and that sends a message, particularly over time.  After a while, it's hard not to have your self-image defined by other people's displayed lack of seeing any value in you.

[Lindsay]

@Jacques it sounds like a very difficult situation! Firstly I’m curious to know, how would you like your relationship with these people to be, ideally?

[Mazarita]

@Lindsay. Yes, it has been my experience, that gathering experience over time can help with so many things.

[Jacques]

Really i would like for family to be able to see mum and not feel uncomfortable i am in another room alone, i wish they would forget i exist and focus on mum, they all want to see me for some reason her friends too, i just want them to focus on her and not me, i often go out to the shed and lock myself in their so they don't feel so uncomfortable about me being in the house.

[Lindsay]

@Mazarita – I think you’re right there is no such thing as a typical “relationship” just the one that works best for you. Oh and by the way I also don’t sleep in the same bed as my partner (which works really well for us!).
@Aonaran – You’ve hit the nail on the head! I think so much of how we see ourselves is determined by how we understand that others perceive us. Although this doesn’t have to be an intimate relationship, it could be colleagues, friends, @Jacques this could be your mother (?). Therefore I think it is really important that these relationships are fulfilling and rewarding!