Lived Experience Forum

[suzanne]

Hi @SwearyCyn, I'm completely with you.  Christmas is for children in my book and I too had wonderful times as a kid.  Once my daughter is old enough I'm planning to stage a fight back and reclaim at least some of it for my pims, movie and chocolate loving self.  But you've given me pause for thought.  Are you saying that the pressure is never off to don a santa hat and pretend to enjoy yourself? 

[Kate09]

What a relief to hear others just want to ignore Christmas!! The pressure to have the best Christmas decorations, be the happiest, buy the best presents, cook the best food, have to catch up with family who really don't like me - the pressure is enormous! And I am just too tired!.... Too tired to shop for gifts because someone else will buy me one. Too tired to write Christmas cards with the happy newsy letter pretending it's been a great year - it hasn't! I want to be real - but no one else does. And why - I am religious but this expensive, pressure filled day with high expectations is not about any thing I can relate to. Thankyou for letting me vent - I have never admitted that to anyone.

[greenspace]

@YogaBear That's a good question. You don't want to say "you're not the only one who finds Christmas a tough time", because that can sound like you're saying what they feel matters less because lots of people feel that way. Or, they could feel distressed thinking about all the other people suffering through Xmas.

Maybe, depending on what particularly stresses them about Christmas - loneliness, having to spend time with family who they don't get in with, grief, money problems - maybe you could ask if there's anyone else they know who is in a similar situation who they could buddy with, and send each other supportive text messsges? (That would work better if organised in advance - sorry, just thinking this through as I type...)

[suzanne]

Hi @BlueBay, sorry to hear you're doing it so tough right now. It sounds like you have great kids though if they understand the value of getting together over a meal rather than being indulged financially.  One of your posts about Christmas a while back made me think.  You mentioned going down to the beach and I got this image of you taking a little bit of time out while you're down there to grieve for your parents and the Christmases of your past.  Sitting on the sand, feet buried, looking out at the sea, giving yourself permission to really feel the loss.  But then, when you're ready, getting up and paddling through the ocean back to your family to join the present. 

Not sure if that resonates for you but I think it's important to honour our wounds without letting them colour our whole experience.  The ocean can be so grounding and cleansing.  I wondering if you can work some version of that into your day and whether that might help?

[Former-Member]

You know the one thing that seems quite obvious, and I am making a sweeping generalisation, but it seems the pressure is on mothers to 'make' Christmas special for everyone else. That's how I'm feeling again but this year my mum has added the pressure on me to do it for them too. Seriously a bottle of wine under a big shady tree sounds like a nice day in my book. Last year the pressure had me land in hospital 4 days before Christmas and home Christmas Eve to chaos. Not planning of a repeat of that. 

[SwearyCyn]

@suzanne I've only been with my partner for four years, and he's getting the picture that I just, really don't, like it. I think he found it hard to believe that anyone hates it for itself or for the pressure. While the direct pressure is off a little more each year, there is still the guilt trips and the moody silences that I more and more won't come to the party. At least this year he's not suggested we have his father over for lunch! But I know that he resents me for sucking the joy out of xmas for him too. Mind you, he's free to go off and do what he likes, but then there's the "it's not the same without you" routine, and doesn't get that it really does not bother me. I'm happy for him to go off and do that, but he's not great at listening. He's an assumer, you know.

I had the xmas you dream of once, when I was a single mum. My kids and I stayed home all day, no visitors, no visiting anyone else, ate chocolate and played video games all day. It was so brilliant. When that day comes, it will be precious, trust me 🙂

[YogaBear]

Yes, it will be a very testing time. Navigating with self-care can be very important... Unfortunately, not everyone has those skills.

[suzanne]

You're amongst friends @Kate09 🙂  Yes, the competitive under-current of Christmas doesn't help - comparing plans and experiences.  I've opted out of all but the very essential - no cards and even no presents except for my daughter, nephew and nieces.  Even then, pressure abounds and tiredness is never far off.  Sigh.

[greenspace]

@suzanne Oh, I wish I could ignore Christmas! Specially since my food sensitivities mean that I don't eat Xmax food (no problems with gluten or dairy, it's salicylate - whuch rules out most fruit, all spices, most nuts, and most salad vegetables).
So it's a normal day, with me eating the same food, other people eating Xmas food, and us giving each other more stuff that we don't need.
When I'm well enough, and can afford it, I plan to go overseas, preferably to a country that isn't big on Christmas, and ignore it to my heart's content!

[YogaBear]

Yes, I think buddying will be a good idea. I am actually doing that myself. I have decided to finally withdraw from my ex-husband who triggers me and enjoy my day - I'm actually feeling liberated and looking forward to doing whatever makes me happy 🙂