Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[misunderstood]

hi I don't know if this is the right place so please correct me if Im wrong. We feel very much alone not knowing where we stand with our daughter who tells us she has been diagnosed with BPD among other things. Although we are being told thing about her (not by her but from others) we don't know what to do or even how to act. We are not suposed to know anything of her problems and she acts as if there is nothing wrong when she speaks to us. We have watched our child from afar since we decided to let her have her space in the family home while we went away at the same time giving her the trust we believed she needed from us. This was some years ago and the situation is pretty much the same today. Just when we think we are making head way with our relationship with her it seems to come undone for no apparat reason. we can only tell by what others are telling us. but when the information dosent come throught we feel totally in the dark and all we have is our faith in God and faith in our daughter. she has never let us down. we love her very much and in our eyes she has done nothing wrong. no doors have been closed but then again  no progress has been made either. we are simply just here waiting for her to come around and then we start all over again. 

[LAmour]

I wouldn't watch Split on principle. Our families and friends deserve better

[Rosie4]

Hi @Waterlily

I can relate to what you are asking by trying to balance care and reliance on us. For me with my loved one, we spoke honestly about this and we came up with more of a plan together. Including her "buy in" or ownership in becoming more independent and less reliant helped us both to keep on track with this easier. We started small with giving some times that she couldn't call me or I could answer and quickly say that I would call her at a certain time. She was able to manage until then and this helped her to rely less on me solving it...

What do you think? What about others?

Rosie4

[Rockpool]

The second question is "is getting a definitive diagnosis important". I feel as though I sit on the fence with this question somewhat. I do believe a diagnosis is important in order for individuals to receive the approproiate treatment. For this reason it is incredibly important that a throughough assessment is conducted and all issues that are presenting for the person are discussed. This way all possibillities can be explored and the focus of treatment can be determined. It can be common for people with BPD to be misdiagnosed with things such as depression, anxiety or substance use if the clinican does not ask the appropraite questions. Sometimes with BPD, clinicians will say a person has BPD "traits" when they dont met the criteria for a diagnosis of BPD and this is ok too. It still provides a base from which clinicans can formulate a treatment plan with the person so that the best outcomes can be achieved. Another important reason for a diagnosis is that is allows for easier communication among professionals, as it easily describes the symptoms that a person is experiencing.

I think as long as there is consensus around what the treatment goals are and they are working for the person, then the diagosis itself does not matter as much. Sometimes having a diagnosis can be a relief for some as they finally understand why they have been feeling or behaving in a certain way, while others find having a 'label' used to describe them upsetting. Everyone reacts to this differently but the important thing is that having a diagnosis does not define the person...people with a diagnosis of BPD are not their illness and there is much more to them as a person then the diagnosis.

What does everyone else think about this concept of diagnosis? Has it been helpful?

[Natty967]

My husband was glad to finally get the correct diagnosis at 48 years of age. At least then we could work out what we were dealing witrh and learn how to manage together and on our own.  I started working on myself first I got a psychologist experienced with BPD and DBT and I started learning DBT myself and changing my behaviour and this then inspired my hubby to start learning about DBT. So hang in there. If your loved one isnt ready to acknowledge and change then don't give up help. The only person you can control is you and your actions and reactions, so learn all you can to understand BPD and ways in which you can communicate with your loved one. 

[olly53]

I am currently experiencing this with my 36 year old daughter to the point where we are not speaking at the moment due to her constant put downs and abuse. I do have some good memories to call on though and that was when she was getting the RIGHT help. We were able to communicate about the issues that were bothering her without the blame. She has been gambling excessively and sought some counselling for this but has come away from this more angry with me than ever. Her usual physchologist has an understanding of her condition and runs therapy groups which my daughter was attending and coming along well but she is now in denial that she has a problem at all. I am sometimes at a loss to know how to work with her illness.

[LAmour]

I think this is one of the most difficult parts of supporting someone with mental illness. 

We had no success with recovery until there was acceptance and the end of denial. It had to be a case of everything being too hard before there was the desire to accept help.

Even when progress has been made, sometimes the sufferer thinks they don't need help anymore. It's a rollercoaster ride

[Natty967]

Diagnosis was important for my husband, as it gave a recovery path to follow.  DBT has been a god send, its been really effective for both him and I. He spent years and years in therapy doing CBT but it didnt quite help him, whereas he has responded well to DBT

[Determined]

Hi @Rockpool, looking forward to the discussion tonight.

My wife (18 years) suffers from BPD and Major depression.

The biggest problem I have had is myself setting and constantly maintaining boundaries. I always fold when things are tough for my darling as I feel mean resisting some behaviours. Also boundaries are often perceived as controlling when I do this 😞

I have also experienced the "I don't have a problem, you have a problem" attitude often and been frustrated by a perceived lack of effort in following through with therapy. My darling it seems would line to go and sit in front oft the doc saying everything is fine and have it all magically fixed. (I don't want to sound negative or vindictive here, I understand life is hard for my darling, this is just the negative thoughts that i struggle with).

I don't really have any answers (hoping to maby get some inspiration tonight) as I still make it up as we go along. The main thing I try to do is to just be here for when my darling is ready and constantly remind her that I will always be here no matter hard it sometimes is.

[Natty967]

For anyone with a BPD Partner, the BEST most helpful book I have found is "High Conflict Couples" by Alan Fruzzetti. It is a DBT based self help book for couples. You can read it together and do the exercises, or if your partner isnt ready you can do it on your own it still helps. This book is a life changer