Lived Experience Forum

[Serenity1]

I just want to die- I do not want to live anymore-

i am letting my daughter down & she has nobody but me- 

i wont be commuting suicide or hurting anyone -

but

I. Just. Want. To. Not. Exist. Anymore. 

[SleepyPanda]

Hi @Serenity1 

I'm sorry to read that you are going through a difficult time. It is very upsetting when we feel that we let down our children. Please continue seeking support here and if you need further support:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

Samaritans: 135 247

If in immediate danger: 000

Take Care

SleepyPanda

[Hope4me]

Hey @Serenity1 

What's happening? Please write it out if you can. I'm here for you...

Those intense feelings are so difficult to deal with hun, I'm no stranger to it I can assure you. There were times where living minute by minute was the only way to get through my day. However...I learned that the hard way.

Looking back in hindsight, I should've asked for help and been hospitalised. I wasn't on the right med's due to my GP not being a MH advocate, so trusting her as I did could've ended my world AND my son's!

When you hit the skids like you're feeling now, you really need to seek professional support. If there's no improvement, get a 2nd opinion...please.

If you're worried about leaving your daughter, ask for help from a social worker. The hospital can arrange that along with being assessed by the mental health team.

In my opinion, from what you've written, getting your mind right is first and foremost so looking after your daughter can then be your priority. She needs you ok. That's a given, but you can't be at your best with this situation going on in your head.

Please get to a hospital as soon as you can.

I truly care...

Hope xo 

[CheerBear]

Hey @Serenity1. I don't have many words to offer but I wanted to say that it's such a hard place to be and I hear you.

Lots of ❤ to you

[Serenity1]

Thanks- @Hope4me I am too scared to go to hospital - I have a psychologist app. Teus. I will show her what I have written above I geuss-I have to hold on / struggle till then. Of course it is a long weekend this weekend.
I don't think this situation has been helped by a lady from St. Pats who came with me as support (first time meeting)-to my lawyer meeting Friday & she said to me to call or txt her anytime I need support. So yesterday I txt her I was really not coping & she did not respond. I felt let down.
She however responded this morning at 7:30am saying she was free till 9:45 am to talk on phone or txt- I told her lets txt since my daughter was sleeping next to me & I proceded to tell her how I was having physical waves of guilt & shame go through my body & ruminating negative thoughts & how I was really really struggling -
Her reply was " it's a great sunny day outside try & enjoy it- try & be present & "happy" for your daughter & feel free to reach out to me however & whenever you like"- so I kept the conversation going, about how I was really struggling-as she said she could talk for another 2hours- she did not respond to me again-
I felt really let down, confused & like it was my fault- she had also implied that she could possibly be a substitute for Indi as a grandmother on our first meeting which had really got my hopes up - now I see it as a major RED FLAG
So I think this lady & her offers of support & grandmother substitute for my child & not following through on what she has offered to me in distress has finally pushed me over the edge!

[Serenity1]

Thankyou @CheerBear I really appreciate your support. 💖

[Serenity1]

Thankyou @Hope4me so much for caring- it really makes me feel so much better 💖

[Serenity1]

@SleepyPanda Thankyou - I did use the lines you provided 💖

[Serenity1]

@Hope4me hello- IV woken up today & I still feel like I want to die - I just don't know what to do- if I go to hospital will my daughter be put in care?- she will not handle that- she has separation anxiety when she goes to school & wont let me go - she has separation anxiety when she has to sleep in her own bed & wont sleep in mine. I don't know how I'm going to get thru this day till my psyc appt. tomorrow. She us telling me she is not going to school teus cos she doesn't want to leave me because it's been a three day weekend she wants to continue staying with me. And what will happen to my dogs? I don't know what to do -I need help, have been asking for help for months , now feel like IV broken

[Lauz]

Hi @Serenity1 ,

Sorry to read that you are still struggling with those tough feelings. I saw that @SleepyPanda shared some helplines with you earlier. I wonder if calling one of them to discuss your fears around going to hospital might help? Safety is really important and if you feel like hospital will help you be safe then it might be a good idea. The helplines may have some advice or insight into how you can manage possibly going to hospital and your daughters care?

Sending you an email to check in.