Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

hi all,

im at the point where i can feel myself falling apart and the only thing stopping me from just letting it all go is my will not to be unavailible to my son. i dont know how much longer i can last though it seems everytime i fix something or feel like im going to be stressfree atleast for a little bit something else happens and i dont know how to cope anymore all my life ive been seen as the one with my life together in my family, im studying, have a good partner and wonderful child and we have stable place my family turns to me when they need help but i need it and noone sees that my mother is a drugaddict who still has my younger autistic brother in her care but bearly takes care of herself anymore. my sister is in a relationship where they love eachother have two beautiful children but cant finance properly their wants come before needs my youngest sis is just about to go year 12 but doesnt even know if she will be able to stay at the same school as she keeps either being passed on to another family member or decides she doesnt like living with them she wants to live with me but i live with inlaws that dont like my family so she cant i have a brother who is graduating on the 18th and cant wait cuz then he can spend even more time on the xbox another brother who works and is also in a relationship with 2 children and is having a hard time as his partner goes from being ocd to lets party to what is wrong with because of her bipolar and they all turn to me for help i dont know how to keep it up my mother hates the fact none of them go to her but considering im the one to raise them when we werent in foster care i understand their issue with her but when does it end when do they realize in need help to and it breaking me up to keep on being their go to person i suffer from generlized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, mild social anxitey and PTSD all this comes from my childhood from a variety of things like sexual abuse, physical abuse, watch my mother almost die from overdosing, being struck by a police officer when i didnt let him in the house and a few other things but they are the main ones my own mother doesnt even know about half of them things and i feel the need to shield my siblings from those things so i have never told them but the past few weeks i feel like ive gone backwards in so many ways depite the progress my dr and psychologist said i have made i have hours missing all over the place i cant remeber what i was doing who i was with or where i went i have still not told anyone this though i feel that i may have to it is starting to get to me last time this happened i was 12 and was told it was a coping mechinism my brain uses but it scares me that its back im at the point where i write important stuff down to make sure i dont forget i dont know whats going on but i just want it all to stop

[NikNik]

Hi @Former-Member

You are being incredibly strong managing everyone elses problems, while still being a great parent and partner - your family is very lucky to have you.

We often see carers suffer from burn out, compassion fatigue and putting their needs last. Sometimes it's not intentional, it just happens that so much is going on, they forget about themselves.

It's excellent that you're linked into a Dr and psychologist. Just by what you have described to me - you have come a long way! However, that doesn't mean you're not able to have your low points still. 

It sounds like you are being everthing for everyone - it must be exhausting.

Do other members have any tips for aj1 on self care? @Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope ?

[Shaz51]

Good morning @Former-Member xx

Hello @NikNikxx

Hi @Former-Member

I would like to say welcome to the forum , you have a lot on your plate

I agrree with all what our friend @NikNik said

even though my story might be different but we are the same in many ways

My mum always said that I put always put  everyones needs before my own and as carers we do forget about ourselves , I am still learning and it is taken me a long time to do "Me Time "

Do you find time to do things you like , sometimes it is good to take a step back and refocus , I find doing little Me times are good for me like sitting under the trees with a cuppa

sending you hugs for today

and keep writting , you are not alone my friend

love to talk more , will be back after , and take care

[Appleblossom]

 @Former-Member That is a lot of responsibility on your shoulders.  I had some similarities in my life, but my mother wasnt a drug addict. You really do need to recognise how much you have achieved and hang on to that when needy people or negative self esteem crowd in.  It is incredible how you have managed to work out priorities and have family and a good relationship.

If being here for our children is what we have to tell ourselves to keep going .. just keep reminding yourself.  

Sibling responsibility is very different to that of parents.  You no longer have responsibility for them.  If yourger sisters cant see you are stretched and have your own needs during the critical period of establishing a young family, protect yourself with a mantra that you have already given enough .. or something like that.  

I am hoping to learn more about boundaries on Tuesday .. assert your own needs and create boundaries .. you can give them your affection when you see them, but dont need to provide practical care.  Keeping yourself well for your own family ... but also for your OWN SAKE is very fair.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Former-Member

It's clear from your posts that you have been parenting your siblings, even though you are not their mother, and doing a fantastic job by the sounds of it.

Something s parent has to do as their kids grow into adulthood is to change the dynamic from dependent to independent. You are going to have to slowly chsngs your approach and the language you use to make them shoulder more responsibility for themselves progressively eg

What are you thinking of doing about that ?

Where can we find some more support for you because I am not going to be able to take on everybody's issues ?

Have you talked to your doctor about that ?

Just little by little nudge them into thinking about how to make their own decisions and take on a bit more personal responsibility, before you break down under the strain.

Take care, and look after you as much as you want to look after everyone else.

🌷💜. F&H